How to Walk a Marathon In 23 Easy Steps

Step #1. Lose your keys and walk aimlessly around town looking for them. Then after 12 miles decide what the heck, I bet I could walk a marathon.

Step #2 Send out an email to your friends asking if anyone wants to walk a marathon with you. Although I did have one person say they would walk it with me, after a month or so they couldn’t fit time in for longer walks thus in the end it was just me on my own not knowing anyone in a crowd of 14k people trying to walk it all by myself.

Step # 3 Set a goal, like if I can finish this thing before they open the course to traffic (7hours) I will go to Panera for dinner. Because Panera is my favorite place in the world to eat even though I’ve only eaten there 5 times. However, if you know anyone who can arrange duel citizenship for me I’d like to move to Scotland because that truly is my favorite place in the whole world or Ireland I wouldn’t mind living there either.

Step #4 Using free hotel points, stay in a hotel just minutes from the starting line. Be sure and pack something for breakfast 1). That you like and 2). That will fill you up. I read online that you are supposed to eat at least 2 hours before you start a marathon. So I woke up at 4:45 and ate a peanut butter sandwich.

Step #5 Because you have nowhere to go for another 2 hours, pack your coat pockets with things you will need for the marathon walk. Like an extra pair of socks (that you won’t need) and cheap $1 gloves to keep your hands warm.

Step #6 Because you are super smart you will have laid out all possible clothing options the night before. I had 1 outfit in case of rain and another outfit: a track suit that makes me look like a dork.

Step #8 Get dressed and pose for super cheesy photo.

Step #9 Do you like bananas? If so eat a free banana. If you’re not in the mood for a banana then listen to your handsome husband tell you like 12 times that you really should eat a banana because “Have you ever seen the Tour De France? They are always eating bananas while riding their bikes. You REALLY SHOULD eat a banana.”

Step #10 Get to the starting line and have a stranger take your photo.

Step #12 Start walking…

Step #14 Word of advice: if you ever find yourself in a dark tunnel do not use the toilet in the dark tunnel. Because I did. And when I thought I was reaching for the toilet paper, instead I reached out my hand and it ended up in the urinal. Which I didn’t quite grasp the fact that it was a urinal until my hand was all wet. Oh and FYI the toilets/port a potties that they use at the Seattle marathon don’t come with hand sanitizer, but they do come with soap. Not the quiet the same. Oh and another thing no matter how many cups of water you use to pour over your hands you will not be able to get rid of the image that your hand is covered in pee. Ever.

Step #15 But hey you might see somebody famous like Elvis. He was in 5th place on the full marathon run when he passed me. Everybody was cheering for him. I loved that!

Step #16 The great thing about walking a marathon is that there is always something to see. Around mile 19 or so I passed thru a really cool neighborhood with old/amazing homes.

Step #17 You can get some great landscaping ideas when walking a marathon, like how to grow wisteria over the entire front of your house.

Step #18 Around mile 22 or so, when a guy with a blow horn yells your time, yell “Holy Crackers… are you kidding me?” and be sure and take a picture of your disbelief.

Step #20 Have your handsome husband take your picture next to a rusty old dumpster. I mean because really why would you want him to take one of you crossing the finish line when you can have this picture instead?

Step #21 Have your parents take you (and the rest of your family) out to your favorite restaurant for dinner. Then have your handsome husband pry you from the chair and carry you to the car because you cannot move/ walk/bend your legs.

Step #22 Go home and write about it so you don’t forget what an awesome day you had. 1). You just walked 26.2 miles (plus another mile to the car after the race) 2). You never once during the whole race had any negative emotions. Well except for at mile 21 when you had to walk up a very steep hill and you said to the guy next to you, “I think this is the part that sucks,” and he replied “The whole thing sucks.” Which made you laugh and gave you more energy to keep going.

Step #23 Be grateful for the positive experience and that you finished in 5hrs 25min. And say to your mother as you are leaving the race, “Next year I think I’m gonna try to run it.”