Empty Nest Syndrome — Are any of you out there facing an empty nest in the near future? It’s so weird. You’ve spent countless years as Mom and Dad, and now, it’s just the two of you–like the beginning, only you’re older, wiser…and maybe a wee bit more crotchety?
Aline from facebook shared an article from the New York Times about life after raising children. The author talks about facing her new identity. For 30 years, her primary association with herself was as a mother…now, as she faces her last child transitioning into adulthood, she wonders what it means for her.
In the end, she puts a positive light on the whole subject, offering empty nest-ism as a chance to redefine yourself in a completely new light, unrestricted by dependents. I could totally identify with her sentiments, though. Having been a “mom” for so long, having to find new ways to occupy my time was hard!
In case you’re finding yourself in the same boat, here are a couple of tips to combat the downsides of empty nest syndrome:
Renew or make new friendships.
Plain and simple, this is a time to find deep, noncompetitive friendships that will sustain you through your quiet days. Plan a weekly meet-up for coffee–like your own personal playdate.
Dive into new hobbies or spend more time on old ones.
Travel has ALWAYS been important to me, and I plan on continuing to make it my focus.
Date your spouse.
Raising kids is nutso sometimes, and that person you agreed to go through life with sometimes doesn’t get the attention they deserve. Now you’re really in together, though, in a quiet house with the rearing complete. Get to know each other again. Go to the movies, go out to dinner, go for walks in the evening…whatever.
Let guilt go.
When the days are quiet and the stresses are gone, it’s easy to obsess about all of the things you could have done differently…or more of, but what’s done is done. Worrying about it simply won’t change it. Let it go, my friends, let it go.
Go back to school.
Maybe you never finished your degree, or you would like to make a career change and couldn’t because of the kids. Now you can. On the upside, you are already really good at buying school supplies and checking homework :).
Establish new traditions with your adult children.
They maybe gone and living life, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still a piece of them. Host monthly Sunday dinners if they are close, visit them often, or plan a weekly phone call/email session.
Embrace the silence.
I bet you a million bucks that no less than once a week when the kids were home you wished for silence. Now you have it. Don’t feel bad. You’ve earned it. You’ve done your time. Incorporate R&R into the day.
Exercise.
Exercise is a pretty solid suggestion to whatever you’re facing as long as you are able. It releases those feel-good hormones.
Make new goals.
This is not the end. It’s the beginning–and with us all living waaay longer, we hopefully still all have several decades of quality living. Sit down with your spouse and decide what your goals together will be…retire in the Florida Keys, travel, buy a cabin?
Still a couple of years away from an empty nest? Plan now.
Make the most of the final years your kids are at home. Spend quality time. Send them off knowing them fully. Make plans for when they do leave–you’re not wishing them gone, you are preparing.
Any empty-nesters out there? I know you have tips…make sure to leave them in the comments.
Good luck, fellow empty-nesters.
~Mavis
Jen Y says
I looked forward to the empty nest with anticipation. I did my best to cherish my days of raising my son & I wanted to do the same after he left home. ……Oh my, it is so much harder than I expected it to be. :o( My son graduated in 2011, moved out in June 2013 & got married in Oct. 2013 so in a few short months I went from the empty nest to being a mother-in-law! My solution – get a dog. ;o)
Seriously, I started working on #’s 1 & 2 when my son was still in high school. Renewing old friendships & making new ones have been the best thing for me. I was unprepared for how much I would miss my son. Having a daughter-in-law & needing to consider another whole family has made making new traditions a little difficult but it’s also something we’re working on.
This is such a good thing to talk about early on. I have a few friends whose lives totally fell apart when this happened. It’s ok to admit how hard it is, how much you miss your kids but we need to remember that we always love our kids more than we love our parents & so will they. You truely do have to choose to step back, let go of them, let go of things & turn to other people & things to fill your time….if you want your children to have healthy relationships as they move into adulthood themselves.
My favorite thing about the empty nest – dating my husband again! We eat what we want, spend our money only on us, vacation where & how we want, sleep in or go to bed early with no worries. There is a lot to appreciate about slowing down & being alone again.
Jenny says
There is always volunteerism. There are always places looking for skills no matter what. For example, we live in a rural area and all our local parks are maintained by volunteers. The flowers and planting beds are taken care of by our garden society. Our foster care system is looking for people to teach basic parenting classes. Like how to give a bath to a baby, how to deal with toddlers and the like. My husband works for a Healthcare Facility and they have a man that comes and gives popcorn out Thursday afternoons. The residents line up for Popcorn with Bob. They get a bag of popcorn and he sits and listens to them tell their stories.
Kate in NY says
My eldest just left for college 2 weeks ago and I am seriously bereft. Even though I still have 3 at home and the youngest is in the 6th grade, I know those years will fly and I am grieving the days of being a young mom with a full nest. I know I am happiest when I have goals for myself (one of the reasons I love this blog so much) – so I am trying to get all gung-ho about them. But I am also giving myself time to just be a little sad and contemplative. Since one of our 4 is adopted (from Ethiopia), I have had the good fortune over the years to get to know many families who decided they loved raising kids so much that they were going to put off the empty nest as long as possible by adopting children. I am going to let myself sit with my feelings for a while, but my husband and I agree that if we find that we truly are happier when the house is noisy and bustling (it’s been that way for so long that we can’t imagine anything else), then we will just – – – start again (not with babies, but with younger children – maybe siblings). That is comforting to me.
Vicki says
Mavis, I know you will miss your daughter. Keep busy. More so than usual! Find new interests.Spend more time with the HH. Some of my friends empty nest syndrome didn’t last long.A lot of my friends are in their 40”s and I’m 56. We all have older parents, some of their parents have moved in with them. The kids moved out parents moved in. In some cases retirement communities were too expensive, Mom or Dad can’t live on their own because of money,but is still active! When Hubby’s Mom needed to move closer the house across the street came on the market so we bought it. Mom feels independent and she’s close! My parents are 5 minutes away. My son even though he’s in his 30’s is always in and out. My husband has a big family, we have lots of family get togethers. Even though we have an empty nest it feels full! We enjoy it!
Robin says
My only 2 children have BOTH finished school (one high school and the other college) on the SAME day. My oldest has been living with us throughout college, so reality kind of hit us hard. To know they are both about to leave, one for college and the other “because I’m a big boy now” is leaving me with a feeling of impending doom I really don’t know how to handle all of these “wonderful times” having this all happen at one time. Feeling lost
Mavis Butterfield says
Oh Robin… that is going to be hard. 🙁
Kellie says
I got busy. Work, pets and a few new farmstead projects keep me very active. No time for loneliness. I see my children as often as I can.
Tracey says
My goodness, all these memories come rushing right back — three kids gone from their bedrooms- but now, let me tell you that it gets easier! It’s a shift in communication is all. We were never big on telephoning but texting is so worth embracing. Don’t rail against technology, don’t take a stand about how they should be calling you and not the other way around. How lucky are we to be able to chat all day long ( and with video too! if you can stand seeing your own wrinkly neck in the corner of the screen. )
Nancy says
I got a dog that felt like my pet soulmate! I had the empty nest blues after college graduation too. The college years were fun…visits there, visits home, hearing about classes, jobs, friends, activities. After college, a weekend visit is as long as it gets, and they are more independent and busy with work. Definitely bittersweet!
Laura says
Thank you, Mavis and commenters! ❤️
Annette says
Nothing personal against Lucy but . . . When we dropped off our youngest at Tulane, the Dean told us not to adopt a dog because it ties you down.
Hawaii Planner says
I’m about to enter this phase (junior & a senior in high school) & my sister (best friend) is going to go from two at home to zero at home in a few weeks. So, this is very top of mind for me. I know I’ll want to travel more. I’d also like to pick up a social sport (pickleball or tennis) & volunteer a lot more. I’m excited to have more time with my husband as well.
I think about increasing my writing a lot (maybe writing a book, or just journaling). I miss my senior already!
NCjill says
I homeschooled our four from preschool through high school graduation. The older three are all married and live across the country and our 19 year old still lives at home but not for long.
My husband and I embrace the empty nest as a celebration of the Lord’s success in raising God loving and fearing, productive and contributing members of society. We have been married for 31 years and still like each other. I now work 3 part time jobs that I love, am involved with Bible study in my community, meet with friends for lunch and volunteer at church. We host friends for visits and are trying to rent out our downstairs to traveling nurses.
Life happily moves on and although we adore our children, we have prepared them and fan their wings of exploration, loving their spouse and (hopefully)raising the next generation.
Linda Sand says
Our only child left home at age 18 so we hit this early in life. We got involved in the local and national model railroading community and Dave is still active in it 25 years later.
At retirement we moved into a motorhome and traveled around the USA seeing its beauty and history and visiting model railroad friends around the country for several years.
Now I am content to participate in online communities for a few hours every day and spend most of the rest of my time reading all the books.
Sue S. says
And then there are those of us who, having been an empty nester for a few years are now raising the next generation. I have to say it’s tiring when you are a septuagenerian but the alternative was too frightening to think about, and totally not a consideration. And it’s so rewarding; we’re both so blessed.
Lisa says
This was my first week of an empty nest. My youngest of 3 started college in another state. I spent 2 days cleaning the heck out of my house. Today, I barely did a thing. Contemplating a career change. Now I just feel out of routine and discombobulated.
Kristen says
Our youngest moved out last week. I’d been mentally preparing myself for this and thinking of how I wanted to show up for this season in life. What I hadn’t planned for was my husband working out of town (now gone Sun night- Thurs night), having to put our 4yo dog down the week before our daughter left, my parents moving away (they’d lived next door for 16 years), and our couples friend group dissolving. I’m busy with work and hobbies (and purging ) but some days the quiet is overwhelming.
Joely says
I am so sorry. That is a lot to handle all at once. Sending warm thoughts for a brighter future.
S says
I’m so sorry, Kristen. All of those experiences sound really hard on their own, but especially together.
Bonnie says
Kristen, I have lived a life that has left me by myself. My 2 children are on there own and very busy. I hardly get to see them. If i don’t call or text them, they don’t usually talk to me. My parents have passed away and I am divorced, The Lord is my comfort and my best friend! If you call on Him, He will gladly help you. He is there for anyone who will let Him in their door.
(Revelations 3:20)
Joely says
My 18 year old only child left for college last week. I am taking solace in my garden, reading and regular texts to keep in touch. I have been dreading it for a while. I think that the anticipation of the nest becoming empty, that time in limbo, was the absolute worst. Now that the transition is here I can move on to the next phase. Cleaning and throwing things out has been oddly liberating. Hopefully it will get easier with time.
sandyf says
Oh don’t worry-they always come back around at some point. Their “stuff” will always have a safe spot in the garage, whatever life brings them, they know they have a safe spot to land until they get back up ready for the next phase of life. Kids-we are lucky that way aren’t we? Nothing better than being a Mum.
Joely says
Nothing better! Thanks.