I talk to my kids. I talk to the HH. I talk to Lucy. I even talk to my plants. But people? Ummmm.
This post is for all those awkward peeps out there {including me} who struggle with making meaningless chit chat with acquaintances. This time of year with all the Christmas parties and gatherings, I always find myself in a situation where conversation is required. That’s a tough one for me. It’s not a talent of mine. But I’ve been doing some research and I think it can be learned. Here are some tips I’m going to follow:
Comment on your environment to break the ice: Are you at a BBQ with perfect weather? Start there. Comment on the temperature. Maybe a party where the host has made the most delicious dessert? Comment on that chocolate cake. Since the person you are speaking to is in your environment, comments like that immediately link you and give you a shared commonality.
Make a connection: Once the ice has been broken, try to build on what you just said. If you were talking about how great the weather is, you could say something that relates, like: “My husband and I were hoping for good weather because we’re headed to the lake this weekend,” or “This weather has been great for running, which is awesome because I just started training for a race.” Something that relates but is also personal, so they know you are making an effort to open up.
Ask questions: People love to talk about themselves, plain and simple. It’s so much easier to move a conversation forward when you pass the baton and let them speak. Try asking open ended questions that a yes, or no answer won’t work for. Gets people talking every time. Plus, when you ask questions, they feel you are genuinely interested in them and you can often find out some facts that could open up more common ground.
If it goes wrong, pause to give yourself a pep talk: If you are terrible at small talk, you’re going to bomb a few conversations and have awkward interactions a time or two until you slowly improve. And I think that just takes practice. So if you have a conversation that makes you cringe, pause and give yourself a little pep talk. Tell yourself you can do it, go over some tips, and remind yourself that you are awesome have interesting and valuable things to contribute to a conversation. You can do it!
Still need some additional small talk help? Check out The Fine Art of Small Talk.
Leanna says
Good advice. I always try and ask them something about themselves like what their job is or where their kids go to school. Sometimes there are people that just don’t keep up their end of the conversation. It is hard if you feel like you are pulling teeth to just talk to them.
Sue R. says
Something that has helped me in those kinds of party situations is to try and have a real conversation with one or two people instead of chit-chatting with lots of people. Usually there is someone else who doesn’t like to circulate making small talk…stick with that person (without being obnoxious!) and really talk. Look for someone else who seems uncomfortable 🙂
Pam says
My daughter and I consider ourselves “socially awkward”. It is really hard for us to start and maintain conversations with people. I think people sometimes (always?) think we’ re not friendly which is not the case. Your tips are good tips but, as you probably know, easier said than done.
Linda Sand says
My new trick is to think in advance who will likely be there and what I know about them. I made one man’s day when I asked how his new retirement was going and I was off the hook for quite a bit.
Patrice says
I like to ask people where they are from – originally – and what brought them here. Also, I like to ask how they met their spouse/partner. I ask questions and let everyone else do the talking.
Natalie says
Small talks used to be dull to me because I asked questions that generated answers I really wasn’t that interested in learning about.
To make these conversations fun, I determined four topics (pets/animals, hobbies/free time pursuits, films/books/sports, travel) I am actually interested in hearing from others, with one or two corresponding questions to ask. Write/type down these questions on paper/phone and keep them in your wallet/phone. Review them prior to meeting others so they are fresh on your mind.
Being prepared and proactive has made gatherings far more enjoyable for myself. Hope this tip helps someone too!
Sara says
As a huge extrovert this has never been my issue, but I always make a point of looking for the person who looks left out in the crowd & try to include them. If you do this, you will usually make a friend! The art of it is getting past how you feel (awkward) to look for others who might feel awkward themselves!
Mavis Butterfield says
I LOVE that tip Sara!
Karin says
I’m also one of those people who doesn’t know how to make conversation with strangers or acquaintances. I’ve read books with tips like the ones you list but when I’m actually in a social situation I’m so anxious that my mind goes blank and I can’t remember any of the tips.
Janet says
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