Yesterday morning I got up at the crack of dawn so I could get a little {okay, a lot} of work done on the blog before throwing an informal luncheon together for 20 people. I am not a whiner, but when hobbies {like this blog} suddenly turn into a full time jobs and all the sudden find yourself working 60 hours a week, you realize something’s gotta give and that you need to prioritize because you simply cannot do it all.
So when I remembered the night before that I had committed to this luncheon, I knew I was going to have to get up early and miss a brief ceremony at the school the next day {which my daughter was included in} to pull off this luncheon. Driving to the school, waiting around, chatting and then driving home would have eaten up an hour of my time.
So I asked The Girl if it was important to her that I go. She said “No Mom, you come to EVERYTHING, it’s okay if you don’t go.” And that was all I needed to hear. So I stayed home.
Don’t get me wrong, I was HAPPY to do the luncheon. In fact I’ve signed up to do it {and bake 600 cupcakes for a different event} for the past 4 years because I’d rather serve my time for this committee cooking, than sitting in a room once a month for a two hour meeting {and then getting sucked into other projects that I honestly don’t have time for}.
Volunteering is RAD.
But let’s fast forward top this super fantastic text message I got yesterday morning from a parent who was at the school ceremony {you know, the one that I missed because I am a horrible parent}.
Her: Where were you loser? {The Girl’s picture attached to the text message}
Mavis: Thanks. Get a better picture for me please if you can.
Her: No problem!
Her: That’s as good as my camera phone gets!!!
Mavis: You chopped off her head.
Her: So. Just to make you feel bad. The Girl was the only one without a parent. Hahaha.
Nice, huh?
Dear Mavis, you suck. You are a crappy parent because you missed this one event {out of like 500 million}.
She didn’t say that but that’s what it sounded like to me.
What do YOU think? Am I overreacting? I think that the comment was supposed to be funny? BUT, I have always worked really hard at prioritizing being there for my kids, so I am super sensitive to being called out on it…ever. I started thinking about how I get to make my own schedule because of this blog that you guys are cool enough to keep reading every day.
If being called a loser for missing one school event makes me a bad parent, then I feel bad for all the people who actually have to get up everyday and GO TO WORK and who barely get the chance to go to their kids event/award/fill in the blank …Shouldn’t we all be kinder to each other and understand that parenting is tough business and that occasionally life happens?
I think we all need a little support from each other, no matter what our circumstances, because let’s face it, sometimes, no matter who you are, life is hard work.
~Mavis
UPDATE
The HH called to tell me he thought I shouldn’t have written this post {I guess he reads the blog now ;)}. And in hindsight maybe I shouldn’t have. After reading the gazillion comments I even thought about deleting this story because some of your comments are just plain mean {even though I know you were just sticking up for me}.
But then, I realized, we are all human. We all make mistakes, we all say things that are careless sometimes and even though we didn’t set out to hurt someones feelings, we do. We have all been guilty of that at one time or another I’m sure.
So where does that leave this post?
I don’t know. Lost in translation maybe?
All I do know is, we need to be nicer. To everyone. No matter what.
Cheryl Pickford says
Let it go, Mavis. She is young. Probably thought she was being funny.
Rachel says
Mavis,
I am a mom like you. I work full time, plus everything else and I make it to everything for my kids. I missed a soccer game a few weeks ago because I was in the ER and was mocked (in jest apparently) by a parent on the team because I wasn’t there. It killed me. The comment actually was, “Wow, neither you NOR your husband could show up at the game?” This was the first time in 11 years of playing soccer that this had ever happened. I was devastated and the offending parent thought they were funny. I think lately, it’s more important to be snarky than polite, even in jest. ((HUGS))
Rita Kerr says
Rachel, I’ve found over the years that people that make comments like that to me were usually envious of my devotion as a parent. That person only wishes they were more like you. People who feel they have to make comments like that, even if they want it to come across as being “funny” are feeling inferior compared to you. They are just grasping at anything they can to make you look bad. Hope things are better for you, after your trip to the ER. Be blessed. Rita
Dawn says
I agree with Rita. This is an issue of jealousy. It is obvious, by readying your blog, that you are a superhero and this other woman just can’t measure up. Here is a question for the “snarky” parent, Just how much attention from the snarky parent was directed to her child at the event if she was too busy counting parents, spending time taking photos of people’s children, and also had time to send a text a message to boot??? If snarky parent is pointing the finger at someone, she’ll find there’s always three fingers pointing back at her 🙂
Mavis Butterfield says
Hi hope you are doing better now Rachel. 🙁 ((HUGS))
Sarah says
Oh my Rachel, that’s disgusting that some one would dare say that! I agree with Rita. That woman was acting like a jealous middle schooler not a grown parent. We have 5 children, 3 of which play soccer all different age ranges so bouncing between 3 fields at the games is laughable. And bless my hubby when he takes over for me! Hope your doing well also! Kuddos to all the busy moms that juggle life and live it to the fullest lovin their babies everyday!
Kathy says
That parent was out of line! Should have asked what’s up or why you were absent. We may have never met but I got your back on this one. I’m angry now…where’s a wall I can smack? Something similar hapened when my kids were in school and when I got “picked on” for not being there, all I said was until you know the situation, its my right to call you a snobbish idiot if you think its yoir right to call me a loser for not being at (insert event here). My kid was fine I wasn’t there and has not grown up to be a thug. He’s made deans list the last 3 semester’s in college.
Chefbna says
I REALLY hope that mom reads your blog, Mavis. So she can see in black and white, and glossy photographs what a royal snot she was to you. That was really mean. I am a busy working mom, too, and have gone to every school event with the exception of some far away ball games over the years. My kids have always been grateful that I was there, but would totally understand if I couldn’t, like your daughter. If one of my “friends’ ever texted me and called me a loser because of it, I think they would still be looking for the pieces of said friend. Don’t beat yourself up. you appear to be a great parent (heck you even buy two different kinds of milk so Monkey Boy grows up big and strong). Volunteering is a GOOD thing. Why anyone would chastise you because of it is beyond me.
Alicia says
People are suck jerks. I swear. I have a friend who is a single mom who recently had a woman ask her, to her face, why she had a child just to take it to daycare and let someone else raise it. Seriously. Had no clue as to her circumstances. Just being cruel and rude. I’m like you and work for myself and make my own schedule, so I try to go to everything. There are times though when things overlap and the kids have to choose what is most important to them or I have keep a commitment that I previously made. It sucks to miss things and you feel badly enough without someone rubbing it in. I don’t get why we don’t support each other and help out, because it sure would have gone a lot further if she had sent a picture so you could see and said she clapped extra loud for your daughter for you. :/
Rita Kerr says
You have an amazing relationship with your daughter. You are not overreacting to this rude person’s comment. She only wishes she had what you and your daughter have. Let it go. People like that are not worth your time. By the way, your set-up for the banquet looks great. Wish I had been there for some of those goodies. Good job! Be blessed, my friend. Rita
Aurora says
I have never missed one of my kid’s school events (important award ceremony/graduation things, not goofy afterschool stuff) and am happy about that but it’s only because I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. My husband on the other hand has missed almost all of them because of deployments and work related stuff. Many of them were avoidable which ticks me off, BUT what I’ve learned is that my kids don’t seem bothered by it, so I shouldn’t be. If your daughter was upset by you not being there, then maybe you should feel bad, but clearly she was not and THAT is what matters!
As for that snarky comment and lady, I would so eloquently quote “Legends of the Fall” when the father, all strokey and barely able to talk, throws up his middle finger and yells (the best he can) “SCREW ‘EM!” And in the future I wouldn’t answer her texts because, well, she sucks.
BarbaraP says
So I’m sitting here chuckling about the kind of LOSER who would text a snarky/rude/offensive message to a woman who has such a widely read blog!!!! She should be thanking you for not outing her name (right after she apologizes profusely for her incredible rudeness!)!!! I’d have been hurt too. But the important people–your daughter, your family, your friends, even your readers–know where your heart lies and they are they ones who matter in the end! (Bet you anything this woman secretly admires/envies you!!!)
suzanne hissung says
I think you read it wrong. This person has your number, knows how close you and the girl are and was being ironic. Maybe your transferring your guilt into the message. You would have to be superwoman (you are) to attend the function and provide the food too.
KAte says
The problem with trying to be ironic (that word doesn’t mean what everyone seems to think it means, I think maybe sarcastic is a better word to use here) over text message is that your tone of voice doesn’t come through, Any time you are using printed word instead of verbal communication you should avoid insults.
I can see maybe the use of ‘loser’ being an attempt at a joke, but pointing out that The Girl was the only one without a parent accomplishes nothing. What could she have been meaning to convey with that other than to hurt feelings or inflict guilt? IF that part was a joke, it’s not a very nice one.
Kathy says
I’m in a similar situation where I work from home, thus I am able to attend events at school. However, due to my physical health, I am not able to participate in the all-day-walking-all-over-Washington-DC field trips that my boys often take with their school. And yes, sometime it makes me feel like a bad mom…but I think that it’s good for our kids to be independent from us and to be able to feel proud of themselves without us being there to pat their backs. Your kids know you are proud and that you love them, and that you are there for them when it comes to the big stuff. Mavis, don’t beat yourself up on this one. Plus it’s not like you were busy getting your nails done at the spa! For goodness sake! :p
Cecily says
I’m sorry this parent had the poor manners to call you a loser and hurt your feelings. Definitely uncalled for. Now you have a choice to make. Let it go or confront. If you can’t get over this then (kindly) let the person know that they hurt you. Take comfort in the fact that you do everything you can to be there for your children, your readers and your community, and that your efforts are appreciated by the majority. Please don’t let one person’s thoughtless comments make you feel like you are a bad parent, the fact that you have good kids is concrete evidence that you are not. Like you said, prioritize. Slow down, enjoy your children, your husband, your garden and say no once in awhile to things you’d rather not do (and don’t feel bad about it).
Sending you lots of hugs,
Cecily
Lee Ann says
Perfect words Cecily. Those of us with caring and warm hearts are easily hurt. Being snarky is just not in our lifestyle behavior. And we don’t understand it when it is targeted at us, mainly because we strive to not be that way. For some folks it’s just their normal way of living, it’s like they are not happy until they have made someone feel bad. I don’t understand that kind of satisfaction at all. So I try to think like you do Cecily and not let that persons thoughtlessness make me feel bad. I think it is very important to know that when you’ve done nothing wrong, the problem is not yours… the problem lies with the person with the selfish and bad attitude. I always tell myself to be like a duck in the rain… quack quack and let all of the bad stuff roll off your back. It’s just not worth your time to let it bring you down. And if this person was your friend, then you know them a little better now don’t you. It’s good to forgive but you don’t have to forget and let your guard down in the future. Cecily is right that your children are proof of your good parenting. No one is 100% perfect and sometimes things just can’t be avoided. Most of us just try to do our best. And Mavis I think you are awesome!! You are a great inspiration to so many.
Cheri says
I agree with Cecily, too. It was incredibly rude, even in jest. Nobody has the right to even questions parents on those decisions, other than, “I didn’t see you at such-and-such. Everything okay?” I agree, too, that it would not be wrong to confront this person kindly and talk about it–or else just let it roll off your back without another thought. I personally don’t think parents should feel guilty if they can’t make it to everything their kids do. That’s just not realistic for a lot of people. My mom was a single mom who was a teacher, and she missed every single thing I did inside of her work hours. I missed her and wished things were different, but I never thought any less about her for it. My dad couldn’t make it to everything, either, and just last week I had to miss my 4th grader’s music program because another one of my children had something she had to be at on the other side of town. My husband did one event, and I did the other, and that was that. I felt badly, because I wanted to be there–but not guilty. There is a big difference between the two.
Erin says
Mavis, you didn’t mention your relationship with this person. A real friend would have sent you a message like, “Mavis, I noticed you couldn’t make the ceremony so I took this picture of your Girl for you. Call me if you need anything. (and included a nice, smiling pic for you showing friend and daughter were thinking of you)” A friend with bad manners would have sent the snarky comment. A non-friend would have not sent a message but made the snarky comment to others. If this is someone you want to maintain contact with, set them straight, “I am sure you were trying to be funny, but the chiding way you sent that message hurt my feelings. You should know by now that if I am missing a school event it is for a good reason, the last thing I needed was to be made to feel bad by a friend.”. If they do not apologize or react appropriately, you know you have a toxic person on your hands and avoid them in the future. You are too busy to waste your time and energy investing in them, there are worthier things for you to spend your time on and plenty of people who DO value you.
Madam Chow says
My parents did not go to anything when I was in school. Well, I remember that my mom came to one ballet recital, and opening night on the plays I worked on in stage crew in high school. That’s about 5 events in my entire childhood. You know what? I didn’t care. I did not feel deprived, abandoned, unloved. I think the pressure on parents these days not only to sign up their kids for a zillion things but to actively participate in all of them, in addition to their adult responsibilities, is ridiculous. Do not feel guilty, Mavis. The Girl is almost 18, if she isn’t already, and headed off to college. She is not 5. Believe her when she said that she didn’t mind your not coming – she is the person you should listen to on this, not that other person.
Sandy says
This. Right here. Your daughter’s opinion matters most!
Randi says
Mavis this made me think of a framed quote I have on my wall in my office (working mom that does not get to everything)
“Keep away from people who try to belitle your abmitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”- Mark Twain
Dena says
If your daughter had wanted you there (& she knows you), then you would have been there. Your family knows all that you do & outsiders’ opinions are not important. Carry on & keep calm! Love your blog, read it every day, have learned tons, tried lots, viewed things in a new light. Strawberries in gutters rock, as does lettuce in pallets! Sometimes our dinner has come from one of your postings that day. Wish I had your energy, but you are surrounded by the love of your family (including Lucy), & are enriching your life & those of others. Don’t let the dregs drag you down to their level. Best wishes. Now go have a cup of tea.
Elizabeth says
Mavis, The comments above have said it all but I thought I’d add here that my vote is with you. You are a Super Mom, but that doesn’t mean you are superhuman. All that matters is that your daughter understands and appreciates that. (Which is really the proof that you are the first!)
Vicki says
Mavis, I agree with Erin. A good friend would have asked if you needed anything. Try not to let her remarks bother you. I read your blog every day and you are a wonderful mother. I don’t know what’s wrong with people anymore they seem to say whatever they want and not think if it might upset someone. I still believe in if you haven’t got something nice to say don’t say it. So don’t let anything negative anyone says towards you bother you.
Jen L A says
In your story, you call this other woman “parent” not friend. So I don’t think she had the right to try to get away with that type of sarcastic comment. Now I have a handful of friends who would say that to me, and I would KNOW it was in good faith. An “outsider” from my inner circle, I would take it the wrong way too. That being said, I agree on the let it go thing. Seems to me you rock at motherhood and the Girl knows it. That’s what’s important. Also a good lesson for the Girl…….Moms are superheroes but can sometimes only be in one place at a time and NOT leap from skyscraper to skyscraper!
Desi says
Well said Mavis! You are not a loser! I’m sure “The Girl” knows you are a rockstar of a mom!
Diana says
Mavis-
first let me start off by saying.. I’m personally glad you took time to start and commit to write such an entertaining blog.. To me you are perfect.. just you and Lucy, HH, Monkey Boy and The Girl Who Thinks She’s a Bird.. and of course the awesome garden..
Regarding the insensitive comment.. people think they’re being funny and they’re not.. this one stung and you should be brave enough to say that to her.. bottom line if you volunteer like you keep your garden and all the other cool fun stuff you write about .. YOU ARE A ROCK STAR PARENT..
Suzanne P. says
That parent was lame! One teasing comment is fine among friends but that last comment about being the only parent not there was a cheap shot.
Laurie says
To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feeI inferior without your permission. I would have texted back to her, I’m saving the world right now…get a life!
Mavis Butterfield says
I decided I didn’t want to have to justify my reason for not being there to her, so I didn’t. I think in the end, we do the best that we can, and I can’t even tell you how many times I have taken pictures for other parents {without them asking} and sent them the photos {printed or digital} because I knew they would appreciate the photo. Never in a million years would I ever make fun of someone for not showing up to an event for their kid. Eleanor was pretty awesome. 🙂
Laurie says
That is one of my favorite quotes. I was being rather tongue in cheek. Very often the best choice is leaving what is floating through your brain unsaid. Good for you for taking the high road.
Allison says
Mavis, I think you did your showed your daughter that commitments are important and must be upheld, even when something we would rather do comes up. This is a good life lesson. I work full-time and don’t get to attend everything my children do (most, but not all). If it is really important to the child, I will make arrangements to go, as I am sure you would have if your daughter had said she wanted you there.
Betty AD says
Mavis like most others….Your a very super great mom and the family is blessed because of that. So many parents or people are so rude now days over anything/everything. Peoples feeling dont seem to matter…so the saying that some people get there kicks from doing this type behavior to others…I believe. So Mavis continue to be the wonderful person you are…you sure impress me a lot. ….Thanks for all you do…with the blog etc.
Becky says
I really do not know how you get everything done that you do, You are a great parent! She is not a great friend and certainly not a photographer. : ) the food for your luncheon looked marvelous and the pictures looked divine! So glad you did not chop off the head of the blueberry crisp……just saying : )
Katie says
What a bummer that she chose to write that message. Tone doesn’t always come across, do you think she was trying to be funny? Thank you for recognizing that there are a lot of parents who would like to be there too but can’t. I remember in my full-time working days at a Fortune 20 company, a day sitting in another mom’s office near tears because a meeting was scheduled the same time as the mother’s day celebration at my kid’s preschool, and I couldn’t miss the meeting. My colleague said that she told each of her 4 kids to pick 2 things at school per year that she needed to be at for them. That was it, her work schedule wouldn’t allow any more, and it killed her. Your kids have been so fortunate to have you on the sidelines all of those other times, don’t let this other parent diminish that gift.
Sherry T says
I think some of the moms here need to lighten up or be less sensitive. I treasure my friends who will joke around with me. I don’t know the relationship between them, but I read good natured ribbing in the text messages instead of snarky comments. It is quite okay to miss a kid’s school event once in a while, and its okay to have a friend rib you when you miss 1 out of 500 events. How silly to feel guilty for missing the one event, and turning humor into an accusation. It makes what could be a happy day (a school event, a luncheon, and a friend sending you some funny text) into an unhappy memory. I would have sent her a funny text back with a picture of me eating that delicious looking blueberry dish.
Linda says
Everyone above said it all…. Your the best and your daughter knows it, that’s what really counts! Send her some leftover blueberry crisp and make her feel really bad… Hugs, we all love you too!
Helen in Meridian says
Wow, you supplied all the dishes and silver too? Are those baked potatoes in the slow cookers? Do your children attend private school or public?
We all know and love what a Super Mom and Super Woman you are every day. Every single day, you are in as tho it is your last. I remember mentioning to my dad that he had missed my piano recital that day. He said I didn’t remember when he had driven 5 hours to get home for one of my recitals. I still feel guilty about saying that to him 53 years later. Give us her email or cell phone and we will all get even for you.
The next 4 weeks for the Girl and all her friends will be so joyful and busy for you. Please don’t worry about us. Replay some of your great overachiever topics from the past. I know you are very private, but please share a joyful moment or two, heads missing if necessary, of all the fun involved with her final month. We are all applauding her achievements with you. We all LOVE YOU. Helen
Mavis Butterfield says
Yes, real plates and silverware. 🙂 Cobb Salad, Chicken Caesar Salad, Baked potatoes {and sweet ones too} Lentil soup with sweet potatoes, blueberry crisp and some chocolate brownies. I promise to share a joyful moment or two Helen, just for you. 🙂
Bren says
It was rude and she should of thought of how painful her words would be. Sometimes people don’t intentionally mean to hurt and say things without thinking about how they will come out or understanding that they are hitting a sensitive spot. If she didnt mean to hurt you she will tell you that she didnt know it would be so hurtful and apologize. Agreed that what she did was very hurtful. You are not over reacting. I think though that since you seem like super woman she enjoyed seeing herself there and not you. It was funny to her to put you down because she probably is jealous of you. She may have not thought it through and was joking but indeed it was mean of her especially if she meant it to hurt you.
Cheryl says
I don’t get to go to many of my kids school functions. I have 5 kids under the age of 8 plus I babysit others. I do however send my grown daughter or my husband if it happens before he has to be at work. We are however skipping Kindergarten graduation this year. One I think its stupid to have a graduation for Kindergarten and two because I am not going to fight an expected crowd of 300+ people alone with my 5 kids for a 3 hour event. Yes, 3 hours. They want parents to supply food for a dinner so we can all 300+ eat together. That screams nightmare to me. Instead I have told my kids we will have our own fun and go get an ice cream cone. If my husband didn’t work nights and could be there to help we would probably do it.
Madam Chow says
Amen, sister!
SusieQ says
Sometimes what sounds funny in our heads, isn’t so funny in print. And at the same time we tend to beat ourselves up over any little criticism, implied or not. Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I am an amazing woman – and I won’t forget it!” Then, even though it will be hard, take a minute to think about all the good things you’ve done with “THE GIRL”. Because you ARE amazing!!
Leanna says
Read this:
http://flowersinhisgarden.blogspot.com/2014/04/mama-encouragement.html
You are a AWESOME mom!!!
I do not go to everything that my children are in – partly because I want them to have some independence (they are quite clingy) and because we help to care for my MIL.
Mavis Butterfield says
I love Camille. She is the best. 🙂
Kristina says
Mavis, i’m sorry that happened to you! That made me a little mad when i read it. Tell her to leave you alone!! lol. Thank you for creating such a great blog too, I love all the gardening help!! Have a great day and blessings!!
Kristina
Christine says
Mavis, please don’t let one insensitive comment make you question worth as a mother. I think we all question whether we are “enough” and a flip comment – whether intended lightheartedly or not – can really cut right where you’re most vulnerable. You’re an awesome mom from what I can tell and I love your blog. I’m not even really into gardening and your upbeat, interesting posts keep me coming back every day (sometimes more than once a day)!
renee says
Hey Mavis, read this:
http://yourteenmag.com/2014/04/perfect-parenting/
And for the record, I admire and adore you. All the way from Minneapolis.
We’re all Wonder Women
xoxo
Renee
Jeanie says
I am commenting although I have never commented here. Stuff like this rubs me wrong. I have two kids, one graduating college and one graduating from high school. I have been as involved as I can be every step of the way although I own a magazine and work basically 24/7. I am at most of their activities including travel for club sports, concerts, etc. My children have never had an issue with anything I have missed. It is ALWAYS other parents who have called me out. I just think that is mean. I have no time for people like that.
On a side note, the salads look incredible! Truly like something from a gourmet market and the blueberry crisp (cobbler?) looks divine.
Beth says
Mavis, I am sorry she was mean to you- “mean girls” aren’t just teenagers. I have a lot of really crummy stuff going on in my life right now and I am actively trying to be nicer and more polite than usual because whomever crosses my path doesn’t know or probably care that my life is pretty awful right now. Unfortunately, many people don’t take that approach- they take their frustrations out on the world and that might be what she was doing. Whatever her motive, she was wrong and like one of my favorite bumper stickers says “Mean People Suck”! Your food looks amazing by the way!
Mavis Butterfield says
Hang in there Beth. 🙂
Cecily says
Sorry life isn’t the greatest for you right now Beth. Just remember, “You are strong, you are beautiful, you are important”! 🙂
Beth says
Thank you….this too shall pass…
Roxanne says
I think the comments were rude and offensive regardless to how close (or not) the friendship is between them. It really sounds like passive aggressive behavior, in my opinion. Mavis, I am sorry this upset you so much. It would offend me as well. However, never allow someone’s comments to ruin your day. Your daughter was fine with it, and that is all that matters.
jadell says
Wow. That’s all I have to say. Some people amaze me.(and not in a god way.)
You, however, amaze me in a good way. 🙂
Have a happy day!
debbie says
I laughed at the text and assumed it was from a friend who knew you well and was being a playful pain in your ass – I didn’t read it as an insult. I agree with whoever wrote in an earlier comment that you interpretation of the text may have been colored by your own feelings of guilt. But to keep it in perspective — you checked in with your daughter and made a mutual decision that was right for both of you — and that’s all that matters. Humor thru text can be tricky — and if you and the sender don’t share a similar sense of humor that can make it even trickier. If a comment truly upsets me – it’s usually because I think there is some truth to it.
Rhonda says
Mavis, you are no “loser”, you are Super Woman! I would love to have half your ambition and great attitude!
Rhonda says
P.s. I love your website, I read it almost daily!
Christine says
My kids are in high school. I never go to anything except IEP appointments. No parent/teacher conferences, no booster club fundraisers, etc. Unless my kids ask me to an event I don’t go. I don’t even feel bad.
Mandy says
Don’t be upset Mavis! She was just trying to be funny.
ChrisM says
The only thing that matters is what is right for YOUR family. None of us can make it to EVERYTHING! Some of us have jobs, other family members who need us. Sometimes we get sick. Sometimes our car breaks down! We just CAN’T do everything.
YOU ARE NOT a bad mom!
Cenith says
Mavis, I am a 62 year old woman who found your blog about four months ago. You amaze me. I look forward to reading your blog every day. Through you I remember those days of being a young Mother with more than a full plate. You are a remarkable woman! I have learned so much from you. Your children are blessed to have such a role model. I have enjoyed your travels and travails. ( those teeth will work out!) Always remember there will always be someone out there who will try to steal your joy. Don’t let them. BTW My daughter is 30. She left last Saturday to start work in San Francisco. I thought when she moved three hours away for graduate school I would never leave my bed. But now she across the country from me. Lots of tears but we keep going because we know we did an excellent job. Stay strong and most importantly stay Mavis.
Cecily says
Well said Cenith! And may I say, beautiful name.
Marcia says
yes and yes.
On one hand, you were probably being too sensitive. Sounded like she was joking.
On the other hand, it was really an insensitive thing to do. But since you never miss anything, she was probably yanking your chain?
I work full time. I miss almost everything. Make it to maybe 5 things a year. I used to feel bad when my neighbor asked if I was going to X or Y because I didn’t even REGISTER it. But I’m over it.
Jen J says
I can’t echo enough what the others are saying. You are a wonderful Mom and your kids know how much you love and do for them. And moms who are not at every single event are no less loving and wonderful. We all have our unique situations and do the best we can. Sadly, someone’s always there to judge, whether they realize that’s what they are doing at the time or not. I know I’ve been on the receiving end of those types of comments and I’ve made them too (and later felt awful about it and was too ashamed/ embarrassed to apologize later like I should have). I agree that we all need to consciously try to be more kind and understanding to each other but it remains a work in progress.
corrinna says
Don’t feel bad, but I know just how angry you feel. Recently I had a friend tell me that I am the reason my very spirited daughter misbehaves. I was floored. I have always felt like I was doing a good job balancing rules and fun. I spent a good week over criticizing my every word and action.
Lynn says
The only person’s thoughts that matter are your daughter’s…..and she already let you know what she thought. ; )
As for those who open their mouths without thinking……wow…..
If it had been me, I would of text’d back: “Thanks for the picture. I will be there as soon as I can. Have to get the doctor’s signed approval to leave hospital first.” HA! How does she know that you aren’t tied up with something else just as equally as important, and not just sitting on your butt with “nothing else to do”. As if. Some people.
Debbie Hussey says
I don’t think you are a bad Mother or Person….Sometimes we have to miss out on thing that have to do with our kids or Family. I think that this person is just being very mean and spiteful…You do so much for everyone that you probably have no time for yourself….I think that you should take a Spa day for you and maybe your Daughter…Bet this woman will think that was a little nasty with what she posted and maybe look at herself before she Judges some one else in the future…:)
mc says
Let it go. I agree with Rita way above. The other parent was trying to make herself feel better at your expense. You know where you stand with your daughter. That is all that is important. Love your blog.
MT says
She was a total B** for that. She was meanspirited, spiteful and condescending.
Aleesha says
SERIOUSLY doesn’t it just hurt inside when someone is unkind, whether intentional or not? The other day at the grocery store I had some people in the line behind me criticize me openly for choosing to go through the 20 or under line, when I obviously had way more than 20 items. I actually had exactly 19 – and everything in me wanted to snap at them that very fact! I had every right to be where I was, and they had no right to be rude. But why continue a negative cycle, right? So I just smiled at them and went out (fuming and hurting inside) I steamed and imagined all the hurtful things I could have said, but ecentually I realized I was only hurting myself- so I let it go. It sounds like you’ve been able to do the same thing- and that’s awesome! Don’t let someone else’s negativity keep you sad and unhappy, while they go about their lives unknowing. Move on, and be proud of all you accomplish!
Kathy says
I read this at work and had to wait until I got home to reply. Let me tell you, it was a long wait. I don’t have enough information about what type of person this is, what her personality is like, her values, etc., to determine if she made a very poor attempt at humor, is really cruel and uncaring, or is operating with a lot of deficits.
Please consider sending her the link to this section with all the comments as nothing more than an attempt to show her how her hurtful comments came across to educate her. Think what her child must put up with.
You’re the best.
Sarah says
Sounds like y’all have a friendly type of relationship bc y’all have each other’s phone #s and text and all so I doubt she was trying to be mean spirited. However being super mom who does EVERYthing is a touchy subject and my framily knows to tread lightly when I’ve got too much going on. Help is appreciated but otherwise I’m not tryna hear it. Gimme a helping hand why don’t ya I’m not the complaint department lol. You can never please everybody. We have 5 children and lemme tell ya, trying to get to all those school functions?! Sometimes we’re both left in tears lol but I just do the best I can and sounds like The Girl knows you do the best too and she was cool with it.
Jan Kuester says
Sometimes people say the darndest things. Sounds like your friend was having either an off day and had an unintentional foot in mouth attack or she needs to reexamine her thoughts and priorities. Either way, it is understandable that you are trying to be all things to all people in your family and personal sphere and just haven’t found that darn clone, yet. (good luck finding her). I was a very focused Mom, wife and Naval officer for 20 years. I had major guilt attacks when I would miss a school event, but my sweet husband was always there for our sons. Our youngest son sat me down the night before his wedding and said “Mom, I know you always wonder if you were a good Mom. Well you weren’t…you were a GREAT Mom. Thank you for all you did, for all your love, for all you taught me and for all the excitement.Someday you are going to be an awesome Nana!” Hang in there, Mavis. Do your best, do it with love, and continue being the great mother, wife, friend, example and woman that you are.
Rosaleen says
Mavis-
Make like a duck and let the comment roll off your back like water! There is an old song (Ricky Nelson, I think) with the lyrics, “You can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.” Once “The Girl” absolved you of the need to present yourself at her function, you were SO off of that hook! Your family knows what they need and that they can count on you. I hope one of your friends did take a decent picture for you. The “mean girls,” as another reader put it, can go fly kites.
Angel says
I think people say things jokingly that aren’t funny sometimes and I don’t even think half the time they are kidding….I think a lot of it is passive aggressive posturing. I hardly ever go to anything at my children’s school….I want to but I can’t usually due to work…..I support them in other ways….if other parents judge me for it….judge on….nobody lives your life or knows what responsibilities you have…..but you…..and your family….that’s who gets a vote:)
Heather says
a) Let it go (for your health and you can’t change her), but b) I agree that people would rather be mean than ask what is up. I worked full-time while the daughter was in school and did everything I could to be at the ‘big’ events. But, of course husband and I had a required trip the day she did the college signing (she and a few others got large scholarships). Luckily, I asked a friend and she went in my place and took photos for me. I will probably always feel guilty for not being there, but at least I was there for most of them.
Holli says
I do not know what that person’s intent was when they sent the text. I only know that texting can cause a lot of miscommunication because human beings distort, delete, and generalize information.
For myself, part of the comments come across as bullying communication.
P.S. I’m living my life according to my own standards and free from the good opinions of other people.
Vicki says
I think she is jealous…jealous of all you do PLUS still managing to attend the school functions. This was her one opportunity to make herself feel like she was “one upping” you. The tacky tart! 🙂
Robin says
You are such a great mom, even though I don’t know you personally, you can tell what a great relationship you have with your daughter and how much you love her and she loves you. I have the same relationship with my Mom. And it only gets better with age. With so many people talking about how their parents did or didn’t come to their school events, I have to tell a quick funny story. I was playing softball at the time, and my parents showed up late to a game. Before the end of the game, someone asked ” do you know whose mom that is? I said “yeah, that’s my mom. And this girl said “Really, she looks just like the woman who killed everybody in the movie Friday the 13th.” I couldn’t believe it, until I saw the movie, and she did!!!!! Wow, that was a long time ago, but it still makes me chuckle that my Mom looked like a killer because she is the sweetest, most generous person I know. I say, remember the good and let rude comments like that roll off your back.
Cecily says
Hahahaha! That is so funny!
Mavis Butterfield says
Oh wow!!! Gosh I remember watching all those movies too!. 🙂 Moms are cool.
Paula says
I think your daughter being a senior is playing into it for you emotionally too. It’s the end of a season but you have given your daughter a great foundation – she was able to tell you that it was OK for you to miss this event. It’s between you two, not that other lady. She’s a busy body.
Randy says
I’ve just started following your blog and enjoy it so much. Forget the comment–from what I have heard in the last couple months you’re a great mom. I was so incredibly impressed with all the food you prepared–I think you are amazing. Thanks for letting us share a bit of your life.
Gracey says
Sometimes people don’t know to be kind anymore which is very disappointing, they don’t realize that when it comes to our children, we would always want to be there for them, but sometimes life really just happens and you cant, sometimes you won’t be able to attend an event in their school because there’s a big meeting in your office that you can’t miss or re schedule, some people don’t understand that in times like that you really feel crappy enough for your self and that you don’t need them to point it out to you, why couldn’t they just sympathize being a parent themselves thinking how bad they will feel if they were that parent that couldn’t come.. 🙁
Fionnuala Mechau says
Mavis honey, that luncheon looks amazing! You could start a catering business and should – when you have some free time! How many mothers run races with their daughter and have the daughter willingly travel the world with their mother? You are a kick ass mom and do not forget that. I love checking in on your blog and reading all your recipes, tips, deals and I live vicariously through you and your garden.
So were there any leftovers from the luncheon? I bet not…
NancieG says
Mavis all the food at your luncheon looked spectacular! I can’t imagine how many hours it took you. What a snarky ***! How dare she make herself the parent sheriff and rub your nose in it. Life IS hard but worth it. I bet she never raises her hand to volunteer. Being one of those moms that worked outside the home full time, was a soccer/band/swim mom and then still tried to have a life, I don’t know how YOU do it!
Thank you for the light, laughter, and just great info you share…makes my day.
Stacey says
Is this mother one who tends to over-tease? I know one person at work who does not know how to joke around. She says the worst things at the worst times. I think she just has poor social skills, probably because she is wrapped up in her own problems instead of seeing that other people have them, too. Hopefully this was truly just joking, but even if it wasn’t, understand that many, many people would envy your relationship with your daughter. Anyone else’s opinion simply DOES NOT MATTER!
LoraC says
She’s saying much more about herself than she is saying about you. She sounds sad or discouraged. Be happy you have a lovely family and home. Enjoy.
yas says
If she’d sent the bad photo and a snarky comment, and followed it up with a nice photo and some sort of supportive ‘hope you’re having a good time’ kind of comment, then yeah, I’d buy the whole “joking” thing. But to just be making snarky comments and to send purposefully ruined pics? Not cool. And definitely not the sort of person who would make it onto my invite list. That is just plain old bad behaviour and poor manners.
Mavis Butterfield says
She did send along another photo and I was grateful for that. But the comment still stings. I didn’t find it funny then, and I still don’t now.
Peggy Stenglein says
I would let it go too, it sounds as though she was kidding, but you took it to heart because you did have conflict over missing your daughter’s school thing. It happens, even Superman and Wonder Woman take of their capes now and then. Don’t sweat it, and have a nice day. 🙂
Debi says
As I was always taught, “you can’t please everyone all of the time”. What in the hell would she had thought if you came there ill and gave everyone the germs? She doesn’t know your circumstances and she didn’t need to bash you or make you feel incompetent. Sometimes in life we need to do something for ourselves and you did give your daughter the opportunity to choose if you needed to be there or not. So what I’m saying is “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. Have a great day and weekend.
Cat says
I’m sorry to hear you were thinking about taking this down. My mom worked full time and while she made it to the most important events, there were times she just couldn’t make it. And, there were occasionally the folks who made her feel bad about it. One of the things she sacrificed to make time for her children was time with her friends, so I think she often felt a little isolated and uncertain when situations like this came up. She would appreciate seeing the outpouring of support you have here. This is your blog and your community. You have the right to ask for support when you need it. I thought you framed the situation in a very fair and professional way, making it about your feelings, not her failings. You are clearly a wonderful parent. I appreciated the reminder that being a good parent doesn’t require perfection. 🙂
Rosario says
“Sarcasm is anger’s ugly cousin.”-Anger Management
I quote movie lines to express myself often. This line gets the point across without it getting uncomfortable. I’ve used it plenty of times.
🙂
Jen says
A few years back I had a co-worker who’s daughter was raising money for Saint Judes. In an effort to help out I came home after a 9 hour shift, cooked home made chicken and noodles (with made from scratch noodles), mashed potatoes, corn and dinner rolls to sell at work the next day at a cost of $3 a plate with 100% being donated even after the cost I paid for the food. Anyhow, I made enough to feed 80 people and after my work shift when I went to clean up the mess I saw an employee (that ATE 2 plates of food) take her $3 back out of the donation box. She was an older woman to put nice, and her response to me was she didn’t enjoy the “potatoes” because I didn’t use “real butter”. Needless to say we still raised almost $300 and Karma took care of the rest. You are totally right for being upset for that comment!
Mavis Butterfield says
Taking $3 back? That is just plain rotten. 🙁 I’m glad to hear you were willing and able to help raise some money for St. Jude’s. Way to go!
janet says
Hi mavis, I am so sorry you had your feelings hurt. Let it go and remember what a great mom you are and the great relationship you have with the girl. That is the most important thing.
Hugs!!
Shell says
HH didn’t get the text or have to deal with this imbecile. You did. You have every right to post, say or do as you please. You are an individual. If this is not a close friend, ditch her. She has obviously become a frenemy. Someone operating under the guise of being a friend, so she can say she “was just joking, when she makes tasteless jokes.”(If it even was a joke) Looks like just an opportunity to judge, to me. She’s trying to tell you what you should be doing with some aspect of your life. Not her business. I think, from reading your post for some time , now, that you do a wonderful job with your children. You are far nicer than I would be. In my family, I am afraid we are brutally honest. Saves a lot of time and keeps things from festering and being much bigger,later. We are also kind, generous and supportive for those deserving and in need. I have learned 5 little words that people don’t like, but it weeds out the not so true friends. Mind your business,not mine.
Lisa says
No idea what was behind that person’s actions or what she’s like “at large”, but that was not very nice. A good friend would have noticed you weren’t there, taken a good photo, and sent it to you without being a butt. Unfortunately, a lot of women aren’t raised this way as little girls and have no idea how to be a good friend when they’re all grown up. It’s a shame. Bummer. Her problem, not yours.
Marcela says
Dear Mavis,
You are the BEST mum in the whole wide world!!!!
When you asked your daughter whether it was important to her that you went and she said “No Mom, you come to EVERYTHING, it’s okay if you don’t go.”, a great thing happened: She told you ” I know you love me and I think you are great , but most importantly, YOU shared with her something precious to save for her own journey.
It is ok to say no, It is okay to ask for help. We are not supergirls we are not supermums and we do not have to be!!!!!
Big hugs
p.s BTW, looking at all you do, I think you are already a REAL supermum !!!!
Preppy Pink Crocodile says
I suspect she was trying to be funny. And it’s hard to know the intent over email and text (you know- it’s a blessing and a curse at the same time).
Here’s the thing- YOUR kid had no issues with you missing the event. And that’s the only person who matters. I was raised primarily by my single father, who worked full time including tons of international travel. He was only able to come to things on weekends and after work hours. Not even a fraction of what friend who had stay at home moms had. But I never begrudged him for working hard and coming when he was able to come. I knew he wanted to be there, supported me, and cared. I promise there are kids who were like me and rarely had a parent able to show up in every school. And guess what…I’m alive and well to tell the tale.
I’d say let it go but I suck at letting stuff go, so instead I advise to focus on something else. The luncheon looks beautiful!!
KK @ Preppy Pink Crocodile
Janet says
I think that people, especially moms are too judgmental of one another. We work so hard to do the best that we can and others out there still want to criticize, or think that it is their job to. My mom was a single parent and wasn’t even able to put me in activities or sports, yet in my opinion she was the best mom in the world. No matter what other people think, or think they know, you will always have room for improvement in their eyes. They are either jealous, too close to you, or maybe just mean. Sometimes as a woman, let a lone a mom, it is hard for us to let stuff go. I personally would have to ask her if she was being mean or if it was a joke and tell her how I feel. Because if she read this and didn’t know you felt this way, may be writing her own blog about how her friend acted…but all in all, you’re surpassing most other moms by growing your own food, let alone catering a function or blogging with thousands/millions of fans. So go you! I wish I had the motivation to achieve the things that you seem to on your blog. I’m truly inspired by a lot of your posts.