Yesterday One Hundred Dollars a Month reader Jennifer left a comment on the blog and to cut to the chase … She needs our help. We ALL go through rough patches, times in our lives when we are just sort of wandering around in a fog and simply getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. We’ve all been there. And somehow, we got through it. So this is where I need YOU to come in.
I’d like you to read the quote Jennifer is referring to and then the comment Jennifer left below. Hopefully we can all offer up some little bits of advice to help her get through this tough time she is having right now.
Because honestly, we are all in this together.
~Mavis
“When you start to do the things that you truly love, it wouldn’t matter whether it is Monday or Friday; you would be so excited to wake up each morning to work on your passions.” ~ Edmond Mbiaka
***************
“I read the daily quote and I have this question for you and your readers. What do you do when you don’t have a passion or life has gotten so hard that you lose it? I am going through an extremely difficult time in my life, I’m 49 and have absolutely nothing to get excited about or look forward to. I know I’m not the only one like this, so any advice or guidance would be appreciated.”
“I am looking for something that makes me look forward to getting up in the morning and going. I just read so many women talk about something that excites them and they can’t wait to do and I want that. With life being really tough right now, I need something positive to do and look forward to.”
~Jennifer
Becca says
Try googling “Hobby List” to see if something in the lists of hobbies sparks your interest. Then give it a try. Investing in others is probably better advice…
Mavis Butterfield says
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_hobbies
I’m going to pass on herping. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herping
Cathy harrell says
Jumbo Word Search
Joanna says
My daughter is getting her degree in Biology, with a concentration in Ecology and Conservation. She LOVES herping. 😀
Mavis Butterfield says
AWESOME. 🙂
Mavis Butterfield says
Sometimes when I am in a funk, just acknowledging it and being okay with the sad/depressed/miserable feelings I’m having is therapy in itself. Believing that things will get better, eventually, and to just take it one day at a time until it does, can be helpful too.
But for me, the best way to re-charge my batteries is going on long walks. I know it sounds totally cheesy but it’s true.
Katie says
This is wonderful advice. Sometimes, you just need to accept that’s where you’re at right now. Like everything in life, where you’re at now won’t be where you stay. And, exercise is such good therapy and a stress reliever. If you’re not physically able to exercise, try meditation. When I’m stuck, I try to imagine where I want to be (in life) and then think “What steps did I take to get there.” I work backwards and try to find solutions to my predicament.
Nanci says
Mavis, I love your suggestion to go for a walk. A few years ago I was going through a really tough time with an adult son who wouldn’t fly from the nest. I walked everyday for an hour during my lunch period and boy did I solve the world’s problems during that time. To this day, walking is my favorite form of exercise….and the best part is you get to see things you normally miss while driving 🙂 I fell in love with a fenced in porch that I would walk by everyday and when I told my husband about it, he built it! Win-Win!!!
Jennifer, you are in my prayers. I know it doesn’t feel like it but this too will pass. Be blessed 🙂
~ Nanci
Brian Johnson says
Jennifer,
I think what works for me is to remember the simple things that excited me as a kid. Yes it sounds silly, yes it sounds juvenile, but honestly when I’m in a rut – nothing pulls me out of it than playing with Play-doh or finger painting. Life is hard, we get so caught up in bills and responsibilities. Meanwhile, social media tells us that “Today I am done adulting” without a roadmap for what that means.
Start small. Ask yourself, “What makes me smile?”
Linda Sand says
This! I remembered how much I enjoyed building with Lego blocks when our daughter was young so at age 70 I’m buying Lego kits again.
ronda says
I love this, it is a question I got asked by a career coach is something they enjoyed when they were young and didn’t feel the pressure about getting paid for it. Sometimes just remembering those things helps you find something you love again.
As someone who has been there before I’m going to agree with the walking/getting exercise because sometimes when our bodies feel better are brain follows suit and to get involved with others in some way as thinking outside yourself sometimes leads to our greatest enjoyment in life. Also, find a therapist in your area, be it a career coach/or a traditional therapist who can help you discover more about yourself and it there for you to have someone to talk to as well.
Leanna says
I’ve just completed six years of hard times helping to care for my mother in law. My sister in law had the majority of the burden. I read a lot of ebooks over the past six years to escape the trying times. I continued to attend my church and serve in the nursery once a month. My husband and I did little dates together “ice cream at Dairy Queen, frosty at Wendy’s, a walk on a trail“ something to get out of the house and refresh us. You may need to see a doctor and go on anti depressants for a little while to get you “over the hump”. You are not alone and if you’re like me you are wondering what is next. Persevere and for me, pray, opportunities will present themselves.
Brianna says
I’ve been doing a gratitude practice this month, where I try to think of at least one thing each day I’m grateful for. It may seem silly, but it’s really helped me.
Maybe brainstorm things that used to bring you joy? Such as things from your childhood even? Then pick one thing to try doing again.
Also, for some free support, go to http://www.7cups.com.
Karen L Andersen says
Time spent thinking of the least little, and perhaps silliest, or even annoying, thing for which you are grateful might be helpful. Whatever that thing is today it might be joined by something better tomorrow.
Jaclyn says
Honestly I got chickens. They depend on us to take care of them they’re happy to see us(even if it’s just for food). I have cats that love me unconditionally more so when its cold in the house but ill take it. I love being in nature, looking for little things. I almost always find naturally occurring hearts, or faces, even Fibonacci sequences. Truly hope you rise above this period of despair.
eva says
Jaclyn! I see hearts, faces and number sequences all the time as well!! I thought I was the only one!
Ida says
I got chickens too! 2017 was a really rough year for numerous reasons, but primarily because I lost two close relatives. I was really down and then my husband arranged for three little baby chicks. It was the best! Chickens are just such fun little creatures, you can’t help smile when you’re around them. And if you can’t get chickens, perhaps a little parakeet would help? Something to care for and perhaps teach a few words. I think the important thing here is to create something that gives ones day a purpose – and if that’s just getting up to collect eggs and scoop some poop, well it’s better than nothing!
Beth Brownberry says
yes, animals that need to be tended can be a real life saver. When my husband passed I would have stayed in bed and moped all day for months but the horses dogs and chickens had to be fed and watered ( at a minimum). They mad me feel needed and useful.
That is almost 25 years ago now and the animals in my life are still very important to my mantal and physical well being.
Hope you find something soon and even a pup ot kitten will make a difference.
Margo Miller says
Welcome to the wonderful world of “seekers”. You are not alone. Sometimes I have had to recognize that I’m in a season of my life, somewhere where things may not be too exciting, I’m seeking or learning, or just waiting and I’m OK with that. Sometimes I’ll find something that charges me up and at other times I’ve just had to go try different things. Someone told me once to just pick something, a class, learn a craft, just something. Even if it’s not what you think you want, it can lead to other things. I joined a church, which I didn’t think would lead to so many other opportunities to be with others, to grow, to have fun, but it did. And if you really want to move into something new, and you aren’t already doing so, find a place where you can serve others in some way. It will really change your outlook
Cecile Hoare says
Ugg Jennifer I know what you are going through! My husband and I have been dealing with a situation now for 3 years which is coming to a head very soon-maybe event tonight! On top of that for the last 3 months we have been living with the cloud of losing his job without knowing the end date due to staggered lay-offs. We do know the plant will close the end of this year but since he is in maintenance he may remain into the beginning of next year. But with not knowing when, planning for our future is difficult. We are both too young to retire, too old to try something drastically new but willing to move, which is a good thing even though the extended family isn’t happy about it! That all being said here is what I’ve done so far; I started journaling-it helps but I often find I have to keep myself from looking at the negative and think towards the positive! I’ve set goals for myself, mini goals that only I know about to challenge myself. One based on Mavis’ donating of last year. My goal is to donate one thing for every day of the month and one bag of clothes per month. This will help if or when we move. Secondly, stay healthy! I started doing yoga on a regular basis at home, I think too often we let ourselves go, not only our body but our brain. I have always said, if we don’t take care of ourselves how can we stay healthy to take care of others? So my thought is by journaling I can write down ‘garbage’ to take the garbage to the curb and out of my mind to be able to allow more positive and productive thoughts space to multiply! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a yoga guru or spiritual guide by any meaning of the words! lol This body does not do have the moves required for yoga poses but I do what I can with what I have. Often just to clear my thinking. Another thing is, find you! I think as we age we tend to give ourselves to others losing ourselves in the meantime. Take back some of your time and do something you use to do that made you happy. Mine is painting, I got back into it with a gift for my birthday last year from my daughter for two paint nites and have not looked back. So what ever it is, schedule a specific amount of time in your schedule per day to do what ever it is you want to do. If you don’t schedule it, you won’t do it! Many of the other things I started doing revolve around a new beginning; if we move I have a 10×10 bedroom full -I mean full to the ceiling on two walls, of craft stuff along with one full wall 12′ wide by 5’high in our basement that needs to be pared down before we have to pack. How will I manage this? Well this year for Christmas no one is getting anything store bought! We shop for 10 kids, and 7 adults and all their gifts will some how come out of my craft storage. Sweaters for some of the kids, hand made toys for the wee ones, painted silk scarves for the Grands, and possibly socks and other assorted things for our own kids. I know this may all be too much info but I needed a cause to feel passionate about and low and behold that cause was Hubs and I! Putting ourselves first for a change and letting everyone step back and watch! lol I do hope all works out well for you and you find that spark to ignite your passion once again! All the best! C
Beth says
There is an ongoing social hobby around here that seems to be fun. It is called Rox and the practice is to find rocks (or buy them) and paint them with pictures, sayings, anything, really and then they are hidden around the area near places people can find them to give them a little smile. Then a picture of the rock is posted on the Facebook site for our city. It is something that can be done and shared with as much or little time as one wants. Look it up. It may be for you.
Lorraine says
I was going to say the same thing Beth did. I discovered rock painting and it has been a joy in my life that I never knew before. Many many people have found it therapeutic including some artists at https://rockstreet-art.com/blogs/whats-new. Look and see if there is a rock painting facebook group in your area.
Kari says
Look for a way to volunteer, whether it be a soup kitchen, your church, an animal shelter, food bank, etc. I’m not sure if it is the “seeing how good you really have it” part, or simply the joy that comes from serving humanity and all of God’s creation. However it works, it really does do the trick. Maybe through serving you will stumble upon your true passion.
Veronica says
I agree, there is much purpose to be found in serving others, whether in our families or not.
Karen says
I totally agree that volunteering makes you focus on others and away from yourself! Google volunteer opportunities in your area. You might find joy in the smiles of others. Soon your challenges won’t seem so important.
Tracie b says
I’m with you Jennifer. This year has been terrible. I started a potting bench for my kids raffle. Went back to bed thinking of buying one. I just know that Hods got me and you too. One day at a time. Some days are better than others. Your about my age. Prob wouldn’t hurt to get your hormones checked. Together with God we can do this!
Robyn says
Jennifer-Don’t be afraid of trying antidepressants. They can be a useful tool. I used them during a difficult time in my life and they allowed me to view my situation in a different light. I agree with Mavis that walking can be very therapeutic too. Take each day one step at a time and look for small pleasures and spend time with people who will listen and care.
Sheila says
Thank you, Robyn for sharing this. I have had great success with antidepressants. It is hard to take that first step to even begin thinking about what brings us joy when you can’t even get out of bed in the morning. Antidepressants helped with this. They removed the fog that kept me from moving so I could see where I was going!
Renee says
Since I went from working full time, to moving to a different city and working part time, I too get into these funks and understand how Jennifer is feeling. Sometimes it’s as simple as talking a walk in the sunshine to set everything right again. Sometimes it takes a little more effort, and those days you need to reach within and start with little things that make you happy. Whether it’s as basic as having a clean sink, or going out and joining a class, (for me it was yoga and paper crafts), and it will get better. It always does. Good luck.
Cathy says
When I was going through a rough time I started a diary that i could only write what I am thankful for. Some days it was that I got though the day or that I got a cup of coffee down with no interruptions. But gradually you find a lot of things and you do see the end of the tunnel. You can’t climb out if you can’t count your blessings even if they may be small right now.
Christine says
What a great topic, Mavis and Jennifer! I can completely relate. Short term, I think it helps me to accomplish something, Small or big (usually small-clean the bathroom, make a freezer meal, rake the back yard) . Also fulfilling is helping others- volunteer at the food bank or surprise someone at the coffee shop with a ‘pay it forward ‘ coffee or take some cookies to the elderly neighbor. (Also valid to consider therapy and/or antidepressants-I am not a mental health professional, nor do I play one on TV!)
Laura Z says
For me, volunteering and helping others seems to do the trick. It makes me feel grateful, engaged, necessary. Besides helping you to build social connections with both the people you help you will meet like minded fellow volunteers. Libraries,schools, community gardens, refugee programs, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and nursing homes almost always need volunteers and will put you to work right away. Many zoos and museums also accept volunteers. Finding something you really care about and then spending your free time doing that rather than, say, vegging out in front of a screen, always makes me more content. Hang in there! You are not alone!!
Mary says
I get a lot of joy by helping others in my own small way.I buy baby clothes every Saturday at Goodwill when they have 75% sale.I donate to a Mothers Home.I buy food staples when on sale with coupons to donate to local food pantry.You can volunteer at food pantry.You can volunteer at a Senior Center.You can drive people to doctors appt,you can read to kids at school or library.You can volunteer at Spca and walk dogs.You can volunteer at church.I don’t know how much free time you have but there is always someone that could use your helping and time and it doesn’t need to cost a lot of money.The library has a bulletin board with info on volunteer opportunities as well as free group activities such as book clubs or other activities.Best wishes in your search
Susan Webster says
I’ve been through this and it nearly whipped my butt…sleeping all day while the kids were at school then hiding it. The Dr wanted me to be on antidepressants and sometimes that is what is needed. Only YOU will know what is right for you. But for me…this is how I crawled out of the hole. I prayed and asked God to help me then I had this thought. I know it came from Him. Every day I had to do something unexpected and kind for someone else (not family) and every day I had to record what they we’re. Because I wasn’t leaving the house this wasn’t easy. I would send a text or an email to a long lost friend or wave to a neighbor I saw at the mail box. They we’re baby steps but eventually I left the house. I would hold the door open for a stranger and see a smile then see them hold the door someone else. I would let someone with few items get in front of me in the check out line…baby steps. I would ask God to give me opportunities to be what this world needed and He did. He always does. Every night I would write down my three people and thank God for that opportunity. I saw healing begin. Even today, when I feel a funk coming on I go do something for somebody else. My Mother used to say…by ourselves, we make a small package…Hugs and prayers to you and anyone else this may help. Difficulties are but a season then joy comes in the morning!
Sheila says
This is so beautiful!
TD says
Jennifer sweetheart,
I know from what you speak. In 2000 my husband of 25 years told me out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore. My life as a wife was over and I had 2 teens at home to take care of. I was working full time and had to keep going for my children. EVERYDAY was insurmountable. I crawled out of bed only to sit on the edge and cry. I told myself: Go take a shower, you can do that can’t you? then it was get dressed, get the kids off to school. Each thing was NOT automatic anymore. I truly felt like I had nothing to live for. When I got home from work I would lie on the floor of my closet in total darkness because I couldn’t stand the stimulation of light. I stayed there until my girls got home. Some days all three of us were in the closet in the dark.
My best advice to get through whatever it is: Get some counseling. The best thing I ever did for myself and children was to talk to a therapist. I saw a wonderful woman for about 3 years. I don’t remember a lot of my living from those days but I knew I had support from a person that was not judgmental and gave me wonderful advice and techniques that I still use today. Back then it was one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Share with you friends as much as you feel comfortable with, get out of the house. Sit in the library, go to the movies, hit a thrift store. You don’t have to shop but being around other people (even strangers) always helped me. I wish you the very best through your troubled times.
Susan Webster says
Sorry for the typos!
Laura says
Surprised this hasn’t been mentioned yet, but I am happy to add this idea to the mix. Start a gratitude journal and look for three things you are grateful for each day. I am currently helping my dad with my mom who is dying of cancer while dealing with debilitating dementia. We haven’t told her what is happening because she can’t really process it so I carry that knowledge with me daily and it is hard. The little things I am grateful for are truly little, but I am SO grateful for them. Each day is really a gift if you are able to see it that way.
I am a little older than you and I do think that your hormonal situation may need a professional look, so I would also see a doctor to rule out menopausal symptoms. You may have natural fluctuations that may take the pressure off of you for feeling the way you do.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for direction and healing.
Faith says
Jennifer, please know that you are not alone and that we are all routing for you! I struggle daily with finding the good in life, contentment, and happiness. Sometimes our struggles set examples for others that need uplifting. If they see our strength in the hard times, it gives them encouragement to go through their own struggles. My husband has PTSD, OCD, and anxiety disorder, and has been without a job since last May, causing financial issues in our household. Some days I feel like I can’t put another foot forward, but I manage to do so! I pour my free time into helping my husband look for a job, attending our kids’ sporting events and practices, cooking, meal planning, and couponing, planning a spring garden, following several groups on FB, and decluttering my environment! I’ve found that keeping my body and mind occupied helps keep my mind off the negative things. Finding a passion is not easy! Start with something that interests you, look for FB and Pinterest information about the subject, and then branch out to your local area for free classes events, etc. You can find joy!
Paula says
Jennifer, I have been there big time. The first thing to do is just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Sometimes that the best we can do. Take it slow! There are several things that I found really helped. 1. Get outside and walk. Try to do this daily for at least 20 minutes. 2. Start an exercise program. I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer to help get me started. ( I considered this a medical must) 3. Make a promise to yourself to “have more fun.” Join a group of some sort. Places to find groups are churches, local meet ups, the library. People are your greatest resource. 4. Try new things. ( I have started hiking, play mah jong, and joined a book club.) Remember, there are lots of people that feel the same as you do. This will pass! Good luck!
Lori SA says
I so agree with you Paula- those 4 points are vital in my life too. One thing that helps me get up and be eager to start the day, is having a calm and simple early morning routine. I am not a morning person, so I found even deciding on what to have for breakfast too much energy and sometimes just skipped it. Now, I have the same breakfast each day, with my morning “special tea”, and my newspaper. This pleasant routine gets me motivated to get up and start the day.
Kathie S. says
Jennifer-You are not alone. Your comments hit a cord. I too am 49, soon to be 50. I felt old, uninspired and frankly depressed for longer then I would like to admit. I’ve lost a job, friends and family close to me passed away and it felt suffocating. Then I felt not too long ago that I owed myself happiness. I’m going to be 50-ain’t nothing going to change that. I have lived longer than some people close to me have and for that I now feel blessed. It can feel hard climbing out of the rabbit hole but small steps help. Even if the one thing you accomplish that day is taking a shower. Don’t overwhelm yourself looking at a big picture, baby steps. Maybe seek out a volunteer position, some are just a few hours a month-if that. Animal rescues seek dog walkers sometimes and that might only be an hour or so on the weekends. Get out in the sunlight, breathe some fresh air or take a small walk. Is there something deep down you’ve always been interested in? Art, music, gardening for example. See if a local adult education class is interesting. Community art centers offer a wide range of classes. Gardening in containers in easy to start with too if that peaks your interest. Check out YouTube videos too-they’re free for inspiration. I also believe that if it all feels to be too difficult to face the day and your burdens are heavy-please seek out your physician. At my yearly appointment I am given a questionnaire that screens for depression. They can talk with you and possibly refer you to a counselor. Please do not suffer or be embarrassed. Peace and love to you my friend!
Bobbie says
I think that as women we spend so much time caring for others and maintaining order that we can sometime lose ourselves. I went through that after the birth of my second son- I realized I was climbing a career ladder that I didn’t want to climb and which was not allowing me time to be with those I love and do things that bring me joy.
So, I did some drastic. I took a huge pay cut and abandoned my career. And I do something else now that’s completely different. And it was the BEST decision I have ever made.
Get up, dress up, show up-and do something drastic and unexpected to get he blood and life flowing through you. Get in the car and go get lost for a few hours. Chop all your hair off. Do something that makes you feel human again and start learning who you are. That would be my advice 🙂
Diana says
What is it about chopping off your hair that just instantly makes for a new beginning?! (said as someone who just chopped off 12 inches …)
Emily S says
I joined Adult Children of Alcoholics and family Dysfunction (ACA) during a particular rough patch. I learned most importantly to take care of myself. Something I didn’t learn about until almost 40.
I’ve moved to learning about the Chakras, and attend a class where vocal participation in required.
Both of those two groups were/are beneficial because I was/am being held accountable of how I was caring for myself.
I also have a candle labeled, joy and laughter, that I light only from 6-7am. It gets me out of bed because I hold myself accountable for candle lighting time.
Simple steps
Gina says
I LOVE the candle idea. Thanks for sharing this!
Annabel says
Volunteer! Use some of your time to help others. I find doing this always lifts my spirits and makes me appreciate what I have in life. Good luck, I hope you find your way soon xx
Dara says
Thanking God for my blessings makes me pay attention to each of them. When I focus on the good things in my life (even if there are a just a few good things), it makes me a happier more grateful person.
A few years ago I went through a really hard time and my faith was the only thing that got me through it. If you can find a good church, get plugged in there. You need a support system and some self-care. A lot of times pastors will provide counseling free of charge (which is beneficial if you can’t afford traditional counseling) and many are trained to do it. They can’t write prescriptions of course, but sometimes talking over your problems with a sympathetic listener can make you feel not so alone. Hugs to you!
Sheila says
I would like to recommend a book I am currently reading by Luci Swindoll entitled, You Bring the Confetti, God Brings the Joy. It is an older book that I got from my church library. I started reading it for similar reasons and I have found it rings true for me and has already helped me and I am only halfway through the book. Love and hugs to all here who are struggling to find joy today.
Lee says
It is nice to have something to look forward to doing.. something tangible, but there is much more to life than having things and seeking distractions in order to avoid self-reflection. It will require a holistic approach to see a noticeable change.
To get started I would highly recommend taking a look at your diet and level of exercise/activity outdoors. I would also highly recommend exercises to strengthen your spirituality. Meditation is one such exercise, and there are many ways to practice – walking meditation, guided meditations you read, guided meditations you listen to, thinking meditation, breathing meditations, etc.
Here are three, reputable links for considerations regarding diet, being outdoors, and meditation practice:
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/11/18/244526773/gut-bacteria-might-guide-the-workings-of-our-minds
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2016/01/call-to-wild/
https://www.sirimangalo.org/text/how-to-meditate/
Lace Faerie says
That NPR article is fascinating! Thank you, Lee, for sharing this information.
Diana says
I so get it. I so so so get it. I’ve been there! I struggled with depression after having my first daughter. I think my doctor described it best when he said it’s like looking at the world with grey colored glasses instead of rose colored ones. I think my best advice would be to be outside. Enjoy the peace in woods or nature, especially water. Or get one of those little table top fountains. Something about running water just always makes me feel better. And try stuff. Try to volunteer, or crochet, or rug hook ;), or zumba or tai chi, or quilting, baking, couponing, teach english online, make lip balm. Just try stuff. Eventually you’ll hit on something that brings you joy and you look forward to. There is also a journal I’ve seen around called the five minute journal. It just has you focus on positive things in your life in an easy prompt fashion, takes about … five minutes! I’ve heard from so many people that it’s a great way to make yourself see the positive in your life. But, you did the hardest part, which is saying something. So you’ve already taken a step towards the solution.
Pat says
Dear Jennifer,
I too have been there. I was laid off my job of 30 years, lost my best friend to cancer and was diagnosed with a rare, incurable cancer myself. Sleeping was my relief. I spoke with my oncologist who told me to leave the house first thing in the morning. It was hard at first but after 5 years it comes naturally.. I have breakfast or lunch and read. I love to go to the library for a few hrs. Books, magazines, computers and kids! I also like to people watch. I go to malls or parks. My house is not the cleanest because I really don’t care. The dishes are done. The laundry is done but I have “stuff” that needs to go. One bag at a time is my motto. And what helped me was as I people watched I realized there is always someone who’s life is worse than mine.
Susanne says
Find someone/someplace that needs something you have to give – your time and/or your knowledge is best – give it freely and keep doing so (Hospital, library, school, neighbor, senior center) – take a walk and marvel that you can, look at nature and see the impossible in the everyday – you will find your passion in the most unexpected place and time – god bless you.
Chris says
Dear Jennifer, I take walks in nature help alot and find time for just myself to just “be”. I also got chickens which let me change the focus off all of the energy draining stuff and they made me laugh which changed my vibe to a more positive note. Everything does have a season and i wish you better, happier, lighter days
Julie says
I recently went through a period similar. I just turned 52, all of my kids are grown and out of the house with their own lives and I’ve spent the last 15 years building a business with my husband. The business is HIS passion but to make it fly I had to get involved. My daughter sat me down a few months ago and told me she could see I was struggling and pretty much fading into the woodwork. She wanted to know what was my passion. Besides wanting to garden, I couldn’t think of anything. She kept asking me questions about what I look for on the internet, things I used to like to do and what I like to read, where I see myself in five or ten years. We hit on a subject and she said now there’s a spark. I’m now researching what it would take to follow up on the idea and make my own business . If you don’t have someone like my kiddo who’s wise beyond her years, write down a list of everything that has ever interested you. Maybe something will jump out. But also don’t be afraid to get some professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness to see someone and have a sounding board. We all have rough days but when the bad are more often than good, seeing someone to help us through is a good thing. <3
Miriam says
Don’t give up on yourself! Get outside the house. I don’t know about you, but it always makes me feel better. Make an excuse to get out if you don’t have a reason to.
– Go to the store.
– Treat yourself.
– Go on a walk
– Search for birds (or put up bird feeders in your yard to attract them to you.)
– Go to your local library and ask what events are going on in your community and attend.
Also, don’t be afraid to ask your doctor to make sure something isn’t medically causing this funk.
– Personally, I’m vitamin D deficient. It makes me feel like I want to peel my skin off with anxiety, but once I started taking liquid drops, I still got anxious, but it was much more manageable.
– Another friend of mine takes B vitamins to help with anxiety and energy levels.
– My mother has thyroid issues that cause her anxiety and depression to spiral out of control when she isn’t staying on her medication and/or supplements.
What I’m trying to say is to take care of yourself and know there is help!
Katie P NC says
I agree 100% with this comment- I am severely Vitamin B deficient and I agree, I was always exhausted feeling and didn’t want to participate in life outside of my couch. I had routine blood work done and my doctor actually told me she’d never seen levels so low and didn’t know how I wasn’t asleep standing up. I take store brand B complex and I could feel a difference in how tired I felt, then didn’t feel within a couple of days of taking it.
I would like to add to the list of suggestions: join a book club! Once a month we get together and laugh for hours. We really only talk about the book for 5 minutes then catch up on each other’s lives. These women who were strangers 2 years ago have turned into cheerleaders for one another. And in the most simple way, it forces me outside of my comfort zone from hanging out with strangers to reading new genres of books. It helped me have something to look forward to, even if it was once a month at the beginning.
I hope you find what you’re yearning for, I hope we all do.
Tammy says
May I point you to God? Start with reading His Word – Psalms is particularly comforting, or the Gospels (first four books of the New Testament).
Em says
There are some great suggestions. In addition to the ones I’ve seen posted so far, I’ll add listen to music you like. Last time I had to move some heavy logs around, I was surprised how much better I felt afterward. I found that doing some hard work (such as gardening or other work) made my brain stop mulling over the things that were bringing me down.
I’m in this with you all!
Carrie says
These are all good suggestions. I also can’t find my passion. I am interested in a few hobbies but nothing so much that I become obsessive over it. I also struggle with seasonal depression. The lack of sunlight really wears me down and I basically hibernate from November to March. I still go to work but spending time outside my home or with friends is limited; I just don’t want to do it! Here are some things that have helped me:
I adopted a dog. Two years passed from when my last dog died to when I got another. I needed a dog to keep myself on a schedule. We go on walks every morning. Sometimes only 10 minutes but when it’s nice out we go longer. Without a dog I rarely walked. I’m actually thinking of adopting a second dog soon so I’ll never be without a dependable four-legged companion. If dogs aren’t your thing, maybe a cat, bird, fish or chickens. My chickens also hold me accountable every single morning plus they feed me.
I practice yoga a few times a week. Sometimes it is just a few stretches in the morning but calming my mind and focusing on breathing really helps clear the air. I follow Yoga with Adriene on YouTube. She is really down to earth and funny and not serious. She has really great videos for beginners.
I read and listen to books nearly everyday. Getting outside my mind and into another life for 30 minutes is really great.
Talk to a friend. I call my mom every other day. I have another friend who is in a similar situation and we text to keep up with each other. We invite each other out regularly and there is no harm if we say no. We meet up to hike or walk the dogs every now and then. It’s great having a friend like that.
If you don’t feel like doing anything, don’t! After a day of nothing I usually feel ready to do something the next day.
Also, consider your diet. If you eat a lot of carbs and sugar your body becomes tired. Add more veggies and fruit to your diet and take out some bread and pasta.
Kimmy says
I second Yoga with Adriene! She has a lot of videos that are more relaxing and introspective, not necessarily hard core (but if hard core is what you want, she does that too).
Aunt G says
Here’s what I do…
Pray
Take a walk
Make a list of all the things I’m thankful for and do something for others.
My mom said a hot bath and a good nights sleep will fix about anything.
Prayers, Jenn. Hope you feel better soon.
Victoria says
Hi Jennifer!
Tough days, they do find us thinking people, don’t they? I’m speaking as someone who spent all day Saturday in pajamas and watched WAY too much TV.
I give in to those days sometimes, but I also make plans for the next day. I say, “Tomorrow, I’ll get in the shower at such and such time, get ready, and then head out the door by such and such time.” I’ll even set alarms on my phone to keep me honest. I do pad my timeline, just in case I need to linger in the shower or in my closet or with my makeup… And then I go on my adventure errand.
Adventure errand? Well, they say you learn more when you break your routine, so I do things like go to the far grocery store to see if they carry different fruits or vegetables, or search for a new-to-me restaurant that serves cheeseburgers, or walk into a store with only $5 or $10 cash (no debit card!) and see what interesting thing I can find to buy. Something little like that can kick-start my brain and help me feel a bit more connected to the world.
And then I have a bit of a story I can share, even if it’s just about this weird burger I had or this interesting beauty product I found in the clearance section. It keeps my brain moving, so I don’t get too stuck in the muck. At least not too often or for too long.
But if I come home from my adventure errand, and I still want to sit in pajamas and watch TV, I can. Because it’s a cycle and there are no instant quick fixes. But I can give myself credit for trying, which usually pushes me at least a tiny bit forward.
So, don’t be afraid to feel your sadness, but also don’t be afraid to take a tiny step away from it, even if only for an hour. You can always go back to it if you feel like you aren’t done with it yet.
Jo says
I absolutely love the idea of an adventure errand. I too spend entire days on the couch with a book or the remote. Usually I think about doing something but just can’t get motivated. I am going to try this next weekend. Thank you!
Gina says
Love the adventure errand! Thank you for this amazing suggestion! Can’t wait to try it myself!
HeatherS says
I also love your adventure errand idea! Living in a small town, you can get stuck in a rut and nothing feels new. Time for an adventure!
Lolly says
I’m so sorry. Life is rough for me at the moment as well. Idk if I can help or not….but know you are thought of and prayed for right now. I think it depends on what you are dealing with at the moment….grief can be dealt with one way….depression another…and blues in another way.
In the past, during rough patches, I’ve had to sit and think up things I could do each day that would make that day special (or things to do each week). A simple routine to look forward to. Opening the blinds in the am, making the bed, waiting for that blissful first cup of coffee. Maybe a walk outside, maybe a time to work on a hobby, a class to learn a hobby, a time each week to meet with a friend, a cup of coffee or tea after work to destress, a time to read a book each day, a time to sit outside and be for 20 min…listening to what is outside and enjoying the fresh air, a phone call with a friend/loved one, time spent with a small child, time spent with an animal, a time each week to write a note and send to someone, time to sit and journal each day. If you enjoy certain hobbies….schedule time to work on them or time for a class(es) to delve more deeply into them….or schedule time to learn new things. Go to the library and check put books in something you are interested in….read and learn. Get out somehow and be around people. Find people who will help lift you up, and you them. Volunteer somewhere. Take care of others somehow.
Today was a harder day for me. So I went outside for a bit. I loved on our dogs. I walked down to the mailbox and back (it’s not a long walk….but it’s a decent one). I texted with a cousin, and we laughed about a few things. I prayed. Later today I will prolly put on some music I love, and let myself be filled with that. I’m currently resting/reading…and will close my eyes for a wee snooze….I didn’t sleep well last night, and that affects my mental health. I’ll make some decaf coffee when I get up…and sit and enjoy the warmth and flavor…and the time to be. Then the evening chaos of dinner and family will begin….and I won’t have time to think of the things which are hard right now…but I will get to enjoy the chatter and hugs and bedtime rituals. And hopefully tonight I can find some sleep…..the quiet makes it harder.
I think the big thing is to search for things which will be enjoyable for you, and then make those things happen. It is extremely hard to do at some points….but it is necessary. Perhaps if it is too hard for you, you can tell someone….hey, I want to spend time with you…but cannot find the strength to plan it….can you make the plans and text me? Sometimes we HAVE TO ASK for what we need. My current situation was like that….I NEEDED x from some people….so I told a friend my need. Thankfully, she set it all up for me. People WANTED to help, but didn’t know how…and this let them love on us when we desperately needed it.
Sam says
I’ve been there too. Something that helps is knowing that this too shall pass just as all the best and worst times of my life have passed before it. In those times I try to take excellent care of myself. I read things that lift me up such as Maya Angelou or Anne Lamott. I put on my comfiest clothes, I make a hot drink and I baby myself a little. Trust that it passes.
Lisa L says
You are not alone, Jennifer. You are in my prayers.
A few humble suggestions:
1. do something nice for yourself every day
2. do something for your future self every day. Find something that you can change or do to make things easier for you.
3. move your body – I always feel better about life after I take a walk or do yoga. Also, taking a walk is a great time to think.
4. volunteer – if going to/finding an organization to volunteer feels daunting, then pick up the trash in the park, help a friend clean out her garage, offer to drive your elderly neighbor to church, every little bit helps. Just look around and you’ll see ways you can help.
Most importantly:
5. Please do not judge yourself against anyone else. Your path is different. Not better or worse, just different.
Love
debbie in alaska says
Hi Jennifer. Look at all these lovely comments and people who want to be there to help. I love community. I hope all these thoughtful suggestions help. <3 … I wanted to share what worked for me during a time I lovingly refer to as the "darkness" (taken from the Simon and Garfunkel line "Hello darkness my old friend". In no particular order, here is what helped me:
* allowing myself to be where I was and trying to make peace with the "darkness"
* noticing what gave me a sense of freedom and what felt like being shackled and choosing accordingly (when possible)
* getting out of the house and into nature
* trying new things. I took art classes, volunteered, took belly dancing classes, tried organic gardening, tried becoming vegan, went to free lectures, etc. Nothing really stuck long term, but each one helped me move forward.
* do something brave (eat at a restaurant alone, go to the movies alone, read poetry at an open mic, sign up for a retreat, etc)
*ultimately for me, I ended up uprooting my life in New England and heading west without a plan – because THAT felt less scary than staying put and dying a little more every day. And for me that was a life changer and I love the life I discovered on the other end of that journey in Alaska — but that doesn't have to be the case to find your joy again. You can be bold and brave and not venture far at all … some of our greatest journeys happen internally.
* That all being said, it's okay to do nothing too. I honestly believe that when you are in doubt, it's okay to do nothing. Clarification and the next step sometimes show up in the quiet, still place of doing nothing.
*Lastly, the book helped me a ton "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. I can only read it when I am in a dark place – but it has been life changing for me.
Heather says
Hey Jennifer! Life is so hard sometimes. I am a 37 year old stay at home mom. Life is hard (did I already say that?). The only thing I have found to help is getting up early and the morning and going to work out. At first I just wanted one hour to myself with the goal of doing something “productive.” Giving myself this space to breath has had some great effects for my body. I haven’t lost any weight (LOL), but I am stronger, and feel better mentally. I do Jazzercise and the class is mostly filled with women my mom’s age, so any one can do it. There are still many days of crying and wondering what happened to my life, but this is where I get one breath of fresh air. Praying that you find something to renew your soul as well!
bobbi says
I just went through this too. I just went through my day minute, by minute. It was the worst time. Then I remembered all the good in the world. Get outside and go barefoot (if weather permits). Look around and see all the nature and wonder. Thank who ever your ‘maker’ or higher power is then try to figure our what makes YOU happy. Someone once told me that whatever you wanted to do when you were seven years old, is your true passion. It was hard for me to remember, honestly, but when I did, it was true. All I ever wanted to be was a housewife, keeper of kids and my family and to take care of them. It took a while of realization, but I am finally doing it. I also have hobies, but tend to mix that up some too, haha. My ‘hobby’ soul is restless for sure.
Gina says
I totally GET where you are. Of course, I don’t know your specific situation, but I’m 51 and seem to be in a bit of a rut myself.
I think there are some great ideas here. One I have not seen is that I’m not sure WHERE you live but lack of daylight/sunlight really affects people mentally. Winter is a drag and I don’t know about you but I leave home in the dark and get back home in the dark. My house is cold and to save $$, I keep it cold. But the combination of dark and cold just keeps me under a blanket on the couch when I’m not cooking, cleaning, or getting ready for work – which in turn ZAPS any energy I have for doing anything, fun or not!
I think just sitting in your car without a coat with arms peaking out, and the sun shining in the windows is important if you live where daylight is limited. Even 30 minutes can make a big difference.
Also, try to find something that you like or used to like to do. Go to a free library and check out a few books, audio tape, cookbook, or magazine. Free is good, right? Try to remember what you used to get excited about and then maybe find a little tiny bit of time to do one of those things.
I think it’s important to find time for yourself, to do something you enjoy even if its just over lunch. I tend to never get to take lunch at my job. I’m there 47 hours a week, five days a week, lots of time away from home, and I just feel trapped, tethered to everyone. We all need to BREATHE, literally. You can’t really feel excited about anything if you don’t ever get to do anything you enjoy.
Also, I think order helps. I saw someone else mention cleaning something, organizing something. But sometimes just taking charge can make you feel more in control and happier as a whole.
Best wishes. Spring is coming. Hang in there my friend.
debbie in alaska says
Oh that’s a great suggestion. Here in Alaska sunshine can be pretty scarce in winter and people definitely need to up their Vitamin D and often use happy lights.
Randi says
So many wonderful, supportive suggestions here. I’ll be coming back to see what else is added. I am in a similar place, same age, same angst.
One thing i have started doing is offering others random compliments. This week I complimented the Pepsi guy stocking the shelves on how nice he smelled, and then the same to a grandmotherly woman at the post office. I held the door for several people as it poured rain on me. I let many, many drivers pass me, turn in front of me while driving to work. I pet (with permission) every dog i see on my walks. I am kind and thankful to the cable customer service person on the phone (even tho i am frustrated at paying $$ for crap coverage).
I think that randomly saying something or doing something nice for someone gets us out of ourselves and can brighten someones day if just for a moment.
The other thing I’ve discovered is listening to brief talks on my Amazon Echo. I’ve found a few that each day they share just a few thoughts or phrases, it gets me out of my head for a few minutes.
Finally, self-care is important, make an appointment for a pedicure or a massage or a haircut, you are worth it.
Blessings to you and to all of us!
RebekahU says
My heart goes out to Jennifer. I have not read everyone’s comments (but I plan to this evening!), but I just want to encourage her to keep swimming (as Dory in Nemo reminds us!), and to remember that in all times of life – good, bad, so-so… it PASSES. Our task in life is to keep going, keep walking, keep moving until LIFE improves. With perseverance, the day will come when things are better. My daughter recently posted a quote on her facebook page and it said: Whether your glass is half full, or half empty, REMEMBER: It is REFILLABLE! So, my advice is to grab onto something that gives you hope, and revisit that thought over and over again until you don’t have to any longer. I am a Christian, and my faith brings me a lot of peace, so in my personal life, when I have a monkey on my back that is really, really bothering me or bringing me down to the depths of depression, I say ALOUD: Jesus, I am leaving this at the foot of the cross. Sometimes I have to say that 15 times a day, but by doing that small act, it allows me to drop my worries off, and move on. When I find myself picking the problem up again, I repeat it. If you are not Christian, there is probably something else you could latch onto or choose to do. I find that sometimes I get my best ideas, and my best stress relief when I am outside, or when I am doing mindless chores (like dishes or laundry). So, try to get outside, and just let your mind wander. You might come across an idea that excites you. Fresh air does the mind, body and spirit so much good. As does perspiration. And hugs. Also, if you can get your hands in the soil – there is something very healing about that too. It is called “grounding” ironically. So, plant something! Or go weed something and as you pull the weeds out, think about getting rid of the troubles that are weighing you down. Lastly, I always get a CHARGE out of doing something for someone else – especially if it is anonymous. It could be something free or low cost like passing up a close parking space for someone else, or leaving your quarter in your cart at Aldi or it could be doing a chore or some other nice thing for someone. My prayer for you is that you will find a spark of excitement in something that someone has posted. We are all cheering for you!
Arbie Goodfellow says
HI Jennifer,
When I am feeling down or at times hopeless… realize God gives us hope and he is hope!
For me it is the simple things like a walk on the beach or in the woods… or my best tip to feel joy is to sit still and watch the birds that you may see in your garden or in a park. Quietly all by yourself and when I do this it makes me smile and want to go on even the the day, week, month or year seems bad.
Just like the song… You had a bad day… not a bad life 🙂
Meg C says
I’ve been where you are several times in my life. The first time, I eventually was referred to counseling and that helped a lot. The other times, I was able to pull out of it a bit sooner & did not need counseling again.
Things that helped me: taking a class in something I was interested in (it had nothing to do with my profession), volunteering for an organization I realky believe in, and (as I’m a Christian) lots of talks with God.
I also learned the importance (for me) of a strong core of girlfriends & connecting with them held me accountable to life outside my head.
Good luck on your journey, I hope it gets better for you!
Judy Johnson says
Lots of good replies here. This happened to me in my late thirties with five young children to take care of. At first we chalked it up to a move across country to an environment completely opposite to everything I was used to. I am a Christian so praying and gratitude exercises etc. were all part of what I tried to do for my situation. At first doctors were of little help since they mostly seemed to think that my family responsibilities would naturally have produced my symptoms-how crazy is that? We moved back home and things improved, but I still felt like someone came in during the night and transfused my veins with liquid concrete. My hair began to fall out in large hunks, my short term memory began to fail (scary). That was the best thing ever, because it caused me to do some research. Here’s the end of the story: the whole problem was very low thyroid- one of the most under-diagnosed illness of women in this country. No one had ever mentioned it, much less suggested having it checked. Once I began thyroid medicine the depression vanished along with all the rest of it. I do recommend that Jennifer have this done right away if she has not already done so.
Melanie says
Yes, Judy, this was the case for me also! I strongly suggest having a physical to rule out thyroid or hormone issues, as well trying all of the other wonderful ideas provided here in the comments. What a terrific community of people we have here! 🙂
Holly says
Do something nice for yourself everyday.
Do something nice for someone else everyday.
Eat well, rest plenty and walk everyday.
Clean or organize your home for 15 minutes everyday.
Accept this is a bad batch and it may very well fade slowly.
Know, even though you may feel it, you are not alone.
Elaine Neice says
Jennifer,
I think you can see from all of these comments that you are certainly not “alone”even though we’re just names on a screen. I’ve had an incredibly crappy 10 years (no need for details) with moments of greatness and I relish the great things. Here are my tips:
– My book recommendations:
“The Five Second Rule” by Mel Robbins – that will get you out of bed
“Living Forward” by Daniel Harkavy and Michael S. Hyatt – that will help you find your passion again and give you a good “project” for yourself while you navigate through the funk.
– Shower every day and get DRESSED – even if you have nowhere to go! Being in pajamas all day is NOT good for one’s sense of purpose
– Gratitude Journal – I found a cheap one at Staples is titled: “best moment of the day” and I also have a notepad for the 5 things I’m grateful for (and sometimes I just write that I’m grateful the sun is shining)
– Years ago I started a list of things I love, from simple things like warm/sunny days, being at the beach, a good book and music to laughing and being with my family; it helped me identify what I truly love and in doing that I know that for me, music is crucial to my daily life.
– Praying, if that’s your belief, helps
– Vitamins (I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder) so I have to beef up my Vitamin D (and specific essential oils) in the winter because I could easily never leave my house from January 1st to May 1st. Visit your doctor and make sure your Vitamin D levels are good, etc… or an Osteopath if you have one in your area.
You have to get out of bed and moving before you can go looking for a hobby or volunteering etc…and I know sometimes just getting out of bed, showered and dressed can be the hardest step of all (“Five Second Rule” works wonders for that)
And if none of that works….don’t hesitate to seek professional help. I just went back to my therapist after a horrible 2 years (within the crappy 10) she laughed and said, “I was wondering when you were going to call me…come in this afternoon!” A good life coach can help you get back on track too.
Good luck and know that plenty of women (and men) go through similar things.
Ms. Sandie says
Hi Jennifer. I understand how you feel. Though my life’s work is a passion, there are still days I want to run away. On those days, I remind myself each day is an adventure. Some days I just want quiet. Some days I only get 10 minutes to watch the birds at their feeder listening to their songs. But they all give me joy. Find one thing that makes you smile, or feel calm each day. Antidepressants are not anything to avoid if you think they might help. Good Luck. We are all sending you positive thoughts.
Deborah says
So sorry you are in a dark place now.
I am going through one myself right now. Read and reread all those great things that have been shared with you through the kind people on this blog. You are not alone. And the way I get through is just to know that it is not always like this and that there is someone else going through something worse and i know i couldnt bear this, but i can go on with what i have to.
For something more practical…
My son (almost adult) has a developmental disability and life with him and his father who has his own issues is really crazy.
We became members of a non profit toy train museum. (He loves trains)
It a safe and therapeutic place for him and it has done wonders for me too! It is a place where I am valued
and I feel more “normal”.
I have made friends and we work together on common goals! I am now the gift shop manager. (Paid in thanks) If you can find a place that makes you feel good even when bad things are happening all around,
That is my story.
Debora K Knutson says
There is a wonderful service called Crisis Text Line. You text HOME to 741741. This is not a suicide hotline it is for people who want to “talk” but are not ready to get out of the house.
Don”t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. Acknowledge how hard life is right now and start slowly. Spend a half hour doing one of the wonderful recommendations people have sent. If it is only 15 minutes – that is ok. Lean on friends, family. You know who you can trust so trust them to help.
You are going to be fine!!
Karen says
There are some pearls of wisdom in these other reader comments. I don’t what you’re going through right now, but it’s important to realize you’re not the only one that struggles, suffers, re-evaluates. Sometimes it will foster new found interests or a reconnection with things that you really enjoyed in the past. Most importantly, give yourself time. Time to sort out what you need. Time for some self care which could mean anything from a walk in the fresh air to a bath.. or yoga!!
I recently joined a community center to explore some new stretching classes and Chi gong and try out new things and connect with new people. Even though I’m a bit younger than most of the other members, it’s been a joy to meet new people and feel a sense of community. Most of the classes are free (and I’m frugal) but I’ve gotten something out of every new class whether it’s truly for me or not.
Making a human connection and caring for ones self are two very powerful very inexpensive ways to tap into your heart and find some new joy. All the best to you!
Keralee says
Jennifer, I just went through exactly the feelings you describe. It is biochemical and fixable, cheaply and naturally without drugs..
You just perfectly described low-dopamine depression. Dopamine is THE pleasure/reward hormone and is what enables us to feel happiness and satisfaction even with small things in life.
Premenopausal and menopausal women are very susceptible to this during times of prolonged or extreme stress. The stress drains our aging bodies of their miniscule remaining supply of progesterone. It gets all used up to make cortisol. Thats why the stress reduction techniques everyone is recommending do actually help a bit.
Rather than list the endless symptoms, i will refer you to the web for deeper understanding and just cut to the cures:
Thank heavens bioidentical USP Progesterone creams can be purchased over the counter without prescription, as they are both extremely safe and, if you get a reputable product, effective. Thats my top recommendation. See Dr Lee and Dr Lam websites.
I would also suggest l-tyrosine, the amino acid that is direct precursor to both thyroid hormone and dopamine, to help your body make its own hormones. Plus iodine, vit D3, fish oil, and a very high quality B-complex made of natural stuff, with no folic acid (synthetic and it blocks folate receptors causing myriad problems).
For that matter, if this protocol doesnt have you chipper and perky inside of 3 weeks, the next level is to eliminate caffeine and other stimulants, followed by eliminating foods containing fake folate, aka folic acid. Thats a lot of foods, pretty much all grain based items, and may be why so many people feel so much better in Paleo zero frain diets.
Thats a too-short summary of a very deep topic, so dive down the research rabbit hole if you want. This is completely curable without drugs.
Best wishes
Sandy Frankel says
Dear sweet Jennifer,
Thank you for being so brave.
I wish we didn’t know how you felt-but we do, and we are all sending positive thoughts,prayers, vibes, whatever it is we believe in to you. Collectively-we hope you feel our love.
I too know how it feels. In the last 5 years, I lost my Mom, my son, and just yesterday, my Mother in Law. I can deal with it all except my son. But-your pain is as important as all of ours-whatever the cause may be. There are no degrees-mines worse than yours…you feel pain, you feel pain.
What I do-because there are days when I honestly don’t know how I got through it-I just do one small thing. If I plan too much -it causes anxiety-so, I buy some fabric-I sew a toy, a quilt, a baby blanket. I plan to try a new recipe, plant a flower,watch a movie. Little small steps. I plan pretend trips, I look at real estate websites in hope that i find the perfect house and little farm town. Because as long as we have one silly, small, reason-one tiny reason to get up-the next day will be just a bit easier. Oh trust me-I cry, everyday, but I get up, I clean the house, I walk the dogs, I read a lot ( that may be the best medicine) and although my life has gotten smaller-I am still here, I still comb my hair and put on make up. I still do what I have to do-the basics of life. But I am no longer who I was-and that is ok. I am still here.
Sending all my love-I hope you can feel it
OregonGuest says
What a great group here — I love so many of these suggestions! It tugs at my soul when it sounds like depression has taken hold of someone — been there, done that, but I won’t tolerating losing to it. I think an important thing to consider is that none of us has life figured out, and none of us has one of those perfect Instagram lives (it only looks that way, but we can still get sucked into thinking we’re “less than”). Best advice I ever got? “Put your tennis shoes on and walk out the door.” That’s it. Take a first step, whatever it is — that forward momentum can be all-powerful. Next best advice? Act As If. Act as if you are happy, financially stable, have healthy relationships, etc. Your mind cannot sustain incongruity for too long — if you act as if you are happy even if you are in the depths of depression, you will be forced to do those things, however small, that will help you achieve small bits of happiness in your life, because failing to act will eventually become too uncomfortable.
I vote for leaning on people you trust (family, friends, church), expressing yourself in counseling, putting only good things in your mind (inspirational books; turn off the “bad news”), moving your body, practicing gratitude, helping others, doing one thing from your childhood that always made you smile….oh, and report back in a few weeks!
Barbara Onan says
Jennifer, at age 49, you may be going through menopause. That may be the reason things seem overwhelming to you. That’s how I felt. It might help to talk to your doctor to see if that could be the cause. There are numerous medications that can help you through this period in your life. All of the above suggestions are great for overcoming depression and hopelessness. I’m 76 yrs old and I’ve been through it all!
Deborah says
When I’m down, I usually read a good book. I love Amish fiction. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of sewing. I’ve made some purses, some needle books, and yesterday, I made myself a pair of short pajama pants and put a heart on an old white t-shirt to match the shorts. We have a dog that needs us to get up and take care of her. If possible, join a reading group, start going to church. Read the Bible. Talk to a dear friend. Please, don’t just do nothing.
Pam says
Jennifer –
Been there, done that. I won’t give you the details – you’ve got your own. I tried a couple of things – different hobbies and activities and nothing clicked for me. My daughter suggested I volunteer at the local elementary school to be “Story Lady” in the kindergarten classes. My first thought was – too much trouble. I’d have to put on real clothes and brush my hair. But I started thinking about how much fun I had with my kids reading Dr. Seuss and Winnie the Pooh books. So I gave it a test drive. It was the BEST thing I could have done for myself. I found myself looking forward to story days almost as much as the kids. I did that for 2 school years and hated to stop but my schedule got too full to be able to commit the time. I am walking, talking proof of the fact that sometimes by giving of yourself, you get much more in return.
Hope you find something in all these suggestions that speaks to your heart and gives you hope.
Sandy Frankel says
Jennifer-One thing important.
If you are really struggling-please see a Dr. Do not be afraid to try medication. Often-there are physiological reasons why we get depressed. Often meds can be shorter or as needed.
Don’t be shy. Ask for help.
We care. we all care.
Jenny Young says
This is so hard. I totally understand what you’re feeling & really many, many average, normal people go through this. I’ve had these feelings all my life. I remember being around 7 or 8 yrs old & just not wanting to live. Many nights throughout my life I’d go to bed & wish I would just sleep forever only to wake up & cry because it’s another day. Truly it’s something I’ve felt recently. For me, I think some of it is genetics & some of it is from my childhood but I’m 51 yrs old, I’ve been happily -for the most part- married 30 yrs & lived through my fair share of hard things & life altering problems.
I believe that sometimes it really is a battle for your life. A battle to keep going when you see no reason to go on…even if you see reasons to go but you just do not want to do it.
So here’s what I do.
Commit….to anything. If I commit or promise I’ll do something I’ll follow through. Determine to follow through. I teach a children’s class once a week, am a member of local garden club & I do my best to do things for friends when they need me. I want to be helpful & kind no matter how bad I feel. The act of following through always makes me feel better. Sometimes it even makes me happy! Sometimes jut doing something through your pain will help you get to the other side.
Exercise…outside is best. I walk through the woods every single day I can no matter the weather. If you can’t get in nature then look past the man-made structures around you & focus on the nature you see…no matter how small or big.
Guard your mind…don’t watch the news – never ever watch or read the news(the world will get along just fine without you following the news), read happy-ending stories or happy-ending movies, listen to fun uplifting music & move as you listen. Read poetry, read crafting, cooking, gardening blogs…fill your mind &heart with beautiful things.
Create…plant something, get a pet (my dog is my lifesaver….some days she’s the only reason I get out of bed), color, clean (yes cleaning is creating….arrange your home in a way that makes you feel better), write, paint, cook….whatever just do something.
Laugh out loud…..a few years ago I decided I would not stifle my laughter anymore, no matter where I am or the circumstances I’m in. I let it out & I feel better for it. I look for reasons to laugh. (my dog & my grandbaby are both great sources of laughter) watch funny dog or kid videos on Youtube & laugh at them.
Stretch…breath deep, stretch your muscles & learn to relax & let go
Socialize…spend some time meeting a friend for lunch, invite someone over to cook, color, paint, plant something with you
Join a small group…..I love my church & my faith has helped me through hard times. I do realize that sometimes church & faith hurt…depending on your background or circumstances but sticking with it really is worth it. As in any relationship…..working through the hard parts really is worth it in the end.
My last thought is look at all of these comments!!! People really do care! They are responding & we DO care. So whether you feel like or or not keep trying.
Sara says
You stole all of my best ideas for getting out of a funk, Jenny! 😉 But my favorite is fill your mind/space with positive things- for me that is NOT the news. I avoid it at all costs when I am already feeling depressed! :/
I also would second what others wrote… can you pinpoint why you feel this way? If not there may be some medical issues at play. I am grateful not to have medical issues, but I have had my fair share of marriage struggles. 🙁
I’ll be praying for you, Jennifer! May you be blessed to see the world differently, despite your struggles. And may JOY return!!
Toni says
Jennifer – Have you talked to your doctor about this? She or he needs to know so they can help identify the cause and help you get better. If they are not listening to you, go to a different doctor. You need help. You are worth it. Please get this help.
T
Linda says
I agree to some degree with everything said here, and believe you should try any suggestion that attracts you, but also want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. My dear husband died quite suddenly when I was 48, and for a long time I could not dig myself out of the hole I was in. In fact, I didn’t really want to dig myself out of it; I just wanted to be with him, because I felt like my life was over. I did see my doctor, and he prescribed anti-depressants, which helped, but I was still lost in many, many ways ways. Life was so different, and I was so lonely. I’m sure time and friends helped, too, but I distinctly remember reading the little book “Who Moved My Cheese?” which had a message that, for whatever reason, got me to thinking. The book’s message was this: often we mice find ourselves going back to the same places and doing the same things to get our “cheese.” But things change, and one day we go to that place and the “cheese” is gone. The cheese can be anything- a job, a friend, money, a husband. We can keep going back to that same place, but it is likely we will starve. Or we can strike out and try to find a new source of cheese.
These kind and concerned people are offering you ways to find new “cheese,” but they are also telling you that you matter, and that they (and I) care. Hang on.
Holley says
I agree with the other people that have suggested it is menopause. Menopause is a very difficult time to get through and can last for years!!!! I really suggest that you go to your doctor. I had been having all of those symptoms that you are describing and then got breast cancer. The chemo put me into menopause completely and I actually felt BETTER!!!! How crazy is that!!!!???!!! Then came the 5 horrible years of taking Tamoifen!!!! More depression and feelings of hopelessness. I’m finished with that now and am a million times better!!!!! I hope you go to a doctor and get some help! ALL of the other things that people have suggested I agree with also! Just little things will lift your symptoms, but please see a doctor first! Good luck! You will be in my prayers! HUGS!!!!
Lisa Millar says
Hey Jennifer,
Wonderful to see you are not alone with a squillion people above caring and sympathising.
Some great advice and suggestions.
Would like to add in about the walking. My husband suffers from depression/anxiety. While he manages it with medication, in the past 12 months we have been really into walking/hiking and he rekindled his love of bike riding for exercise. Its amazing the overall difference.
I know I always feel great after a walk or doing some physical work in the garden too.
Best of luck with your journey – turn that corner and find the joy again xxx
Teresa Young says
So many caring people sharing their experiences – I hope you can put some of the suggestions into practice.
One of my favorite sayings is You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be something to someone.
Sometimes the someone you have to be or do something for is yourself.
Eve of Ohio says
Everyone is different. Facing a turning point in my life, people asked me what I really wanted to be doing. For me, it is machine knitting. But I walk, do yoga (simple stretching), listening to music, reading, watching cheesy movies. With health issues, work, life… sometimes things are hard, but just knowing Mavis is here sharing, and people in my Facebook knitting groups share & encourage. I also love to kayak. I am not allowed in the sun anymore, but I still go out with all of my UV gear on and a sunshade on my kayak. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and relax, and hopefully inspiration will come.
Trinity says
Martha becks book finding your North Star is helpful bc it’s like a workbook- you answer questions and it gets you to purposefully think about things that are bothering you. Everyone’s suggestions are great. I would add from reading your blog regularly- that you thrive on newness and I read a statistic that says we are happiest when we are 75% good at something- so might I say you are too perfect ;). Find something you’re bad at and figure it out- like your acting. And maybe just be sad for a while. The sun will shine again. It always does. Hugs through this hard time.
Audra from Ohio says
I can relate to what you are experiencing. When I felt this way I went to a very caring and nurturing therapist. Just talking about what I was feeling (or not feeling) was very helpful. Even though I have gotten through that particular rough patch I still go once a month. I always leave feeling lighter and more peaceful. I agree with all the other posters who have mentioned talking to your doctor or going to a mental health professional. It sounds to me like you may be dealing with depression.
renay says
I wake up and thank God that I did wake up, that I get to hug my family and text my friends. That my legs work and my ears and eyes work. That I had a bed to sleep in and food in my fridge and heat. I have a car to go to work and a job. I remind myself that some folks don’t have some of those even any. You get to change your day and your outlook. Some don’t get that chance again. I wish you peace.
Jenn says
So many great ideas! When I went though a bout of the blahs I took up Belly dancing in my kitchen, singing out loud and volunteering. It felt so good to have someone say we appreciate you being here. Now I do like many others and wake up to see the sunrise and practice yoga or mediate. We have all been there you are not alone! Hugs and prayers to you sister…you got this
Robin says
Just wanted to say best wishes and it’s good to read the suggestions – I find them useful myself. I’m 49 and in a very uncomfortable stage of perimenopause (anxiety, jelly legs, etc.) and at the same time am dealing with the anxiety of Meniere’s which is scary because you can be fine then out of the blue get dizzy, feel like you’re going to collapse, etc. No health insurance so looking into homeopathy, Bach, supplements, etc. I make myself stick to a routine – don’t sleep in, do all my chores, etc. I choose more comedies on TV because laughing helps. My sweet cat is very important to me – if I’m crying she’s immediately climbing on me, purring and nuzzling my face. I got a DSLR kit for Christmas and want to launch a nature photography shop on Etsy, and have a Seed Savers Exchange catalog to remind me of sunny outdoor days that are coming (I’m near Lake Michigan so it’s cold). All plans are on hold now though while I deal with the health issues. Dark days. Reading these comments about other struggles makes me feel less alone. Blessings to all.
Beth says
Have you had an overall physical checkup lately? A bad case of the “what the hells” may have a physical cause…low B-12 count or anemia, for example.
Besides prayer (the ‘attitude of gratitude’ and noticing simple beauties and daily graces) and exercise (walking is great…and a good time to pray), I also make sure that during times of trial I look at my nutrition (eat at least one good balanced meal a day or one thing from each of the food groups each day) and my sleep.
Jen S. says
My thought, as well. Anemia, B12 deficiency and wonky thyroid can all contribute to feeling run down without having any immediately dire effects. Certain birth control pills and medications exacerbate depression. Get a physical with bloodwork, then go to your local library and ask how you can volunteer. Libraries ALWAYS need someone to help with programming, shelving, prepping crafts for storytimes, and dusting the shelves. Or check out some books on a new skill, an old hobby, nutrition, or self help. Visit a knitting or book club. Libraries have the added bonus of being free – important, since tight finances only make you feel worse.
Katherine says
As children when we complained of being bored or blah my grandmother would tell us to get up and go outside to get the stink blown off of us. We rolled out eyes as children when she told us this but I’ll tell you as an adult it is some of the best advice I’ve ever received. In my late 40’s I had become so depressed that I rarely left my house. I had forgotten my grandmothers advice until I watched the movie ‘Hope Floats” and very similar advice was giving to Sandra Bullocks character. The next day I got up, went to one of the parks close to my home and watched the ducks on the pond. The next day I went again and bought cracked corn to feed the ducks. Then I was feeding the ducks daily and walking the trail around the park. I started feeling a little bit better every day. Within a few weeks I was walking mountain bike trails in another park then I was jogging those same trails. I lost weight, I was happier and it became almost a religious experience to be out in nature each day.
I still get excited to go feed the ducks only now I’m taking my grandchildren with me. Whatever you do Jennifer, be it join a book club or joining a yoga class, I hope that you will start feeling better soon!
Deborah N. says
About a year ago, I was going through a very difficult time. I discovered adult coloring. It has really helped me. It can be very simple or very complicated. It’s all what you make of it. Sometimes I sit and color a whole page, sometimes I just color a flower or some other small part of a picture. Sometimes when I am too tired to even color. I watch a YouTube video of someone else coloring and try to learn something new to try a different day. It is very relaxing and can be done anywhere or anytime.
Dana says
Dearest Jennifer,
Your honest words have struck a chord with so many, and we are all benefiting from the therapy. I lost a child and I lived in a dark place for nearly 4 years. What that experience showed me is that so many of us are struggling. We all carry burdens. I agree that laughing and doing for others is wonderful medicine. Just smiling and saying hello to people can make someone’s day. Compliment a hairdo or an outfit of a stranger on the elevator…it may be just what they need. I also make sure I tell the ones I love how much I love them. Jennifer, we each want to reach out with a big smile and a hug! We are in this thing together.
Jackie says
I just want to say to everyone who has posted, the advice and wonderful comments given on here are truly amazing!!
To Jennifer, I hope you can find what works best for you and your situation. You are worthy and deserving of finding peace, joy and happiness in your life. I hope you see from all the suggestions that people truly do care about you, and are hoping and praying for the best for you. Please be brave, and take good care of yourself the best way you can. I’m sure that everyone would love to hear how you are doing when you get the chance.
Jennifer says
Mavis and ladies,
Y’all, I am crying at the outpouring of support and kind words. I knew I wasn’t the only one who had a tough time, be it now or in the past, but I am really humbled at each of you who cared enough to share your story.
I guess I should elaborate a little bit, to explain things a bit. I was a SAHM until our second of three children graduated high school in June of last year and planned to start looking for work then. A month later, my husband, had a stroke. He was lucky in that while he lost use of his right arm and leg, he has his voice and has since regained use of his leg so that he can lift it three inches and walk almost normally with a brace on his foot/leg. That being said, he still depends on me for so many things and I do all of it happily, most of the time – I’m no saint.
He was out of work for 8 months BEFORE this happened, so add financial destruction to everything else. We are 7 months into the disability process and hope to hear something soon, but even if he’s approved, it’s less than half of what he used to make.
Before this, I was bored out of my mind staying home, like so many SAHM. I have put everyone else first and lost myself. That’s why I wish I could think of a hobby or something for me that I can get excited about.
I am a woman of faith and honestly, that is how I am able to get through each day, although I’m usually walking through a fog doing it.
I just wanted to let you guys know I am reading and re-reading each post for ideas and am so happy to have some new things to think about. Keep the ideas coming and I hope this helps others besides me.
Mavis, you got an extra jewel in your crown for this. 🙂
Peggy says
Jennifer,
Praying for you and your family. I was a dufus and commented on the post from today. Short in short, you have to give yourself permission to give time for you, to be your biggest cheerleader. My youngest daughter is a senior in high school right now, 2 years ago she had a severe concussion that we still deal with daily migraines from. 6 months into that concussion, because she really needed so much help and supervision, she had very weird neurological symptoms atypical of concussion, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I woke up one day are like a lightbulb being turned on, I realized I needed to take care of myself or I wasn’t going to be able to take care of anyone. That day I gave myself that hour and started exercising and being okay with giving myself that ‘me’ time. Other than giving birth to my 3 daughters…it’s the best thing and the most giving thing I’ve ever done in my life. Seriously. I can figure a way to get that comment over here if you like, but you probably get the idea 🙂 And I guess this isn’t ‘short in short’, but I’m Irish, and my mom always told me that an Irishman can never tell a short story. 🙂 Smile my dear, you are worth it. 🙂
Deborah says
Jennifer, I feel your pain and frustration! My husband had to take early retirement in 2007 at age 58 due to spinal stenosis and chronic and acute pancreatitis. We went for months without any pay. Luckily, hubby had job insurance, so we got a bit of money, but it was tough going for a long time. I learned to knit about the time he had to retire. He retired in July, and I lost my mother in November of the same year. It was a really rough time for me. The knitting helped. I had to concentrate on it when I was first learning. It helped to take my mind off of all the stress and such that was going on.
Now, I knit, crochet, do embroidery and have been making some purses and just made my second pair of short pajama bottoms and used an old camisole to make the top. I used a piece of fabric that I made the shorts out of, and embroidered Sleep Sweet Sleep on it and the sewed it onto the cami. I used pink and white gingham fabric. I just downloaded a couple of patterns for hospital type gowns. One for adults and one for children. I’m thinking of making some for nursing homes. There are several in my area that are always needing help.
Maxine says
Thanks for asking the question. A lot of great ideas I’ll be following too. Here’s mine that I haven’t seen. Podcasts. I found some that make me laugh and I recently learned Oprah has some, so I’ll try those.
Also, I’m to the point that maybe not everyone has one passion. I’m interested in just about everything so I can’t see getting to just one. I think of something that would let me follow all the interests like writing or broadcasting and ironically that doesn’t interest me. Lol. I also think of Chandler in Friends who quits his job to find his passion, only to take all sorts of tests and such to find he’s best suited/interested in doing what he was doing. Sometimes you have to make the change to find where you were is best and be at peace.
Hugs! I think human contact helps. Hug someone.
Lastly, it’s a journey. I’m still having epiphanies on my situation and it’s been a year and a half since my largest life change.
I hadn’t thought of the health angle as I too have taken so many hits from different life aspects, so those are really great suggestions. I have noticed more energy as for the last couple weeks I’ve been religiously taking a vitamin for over 50, that is supposed to help with memory, even though I’m not over 50 yet – that memory part was the seller.
Thank you all! Good luck Jennifer! Please let us know how it goes.
P.S. Thanks to Mavis for sharing Jennifer’s question, and for being a great motivator and idea generator.
Emily B. says
LOVE the comment about podcasts. They really do get you out of your own head for a while, without having to do anything but listen.
Katy says
Dear Jennifer,
I’m so sorry your going through this difficult time. I’ve also struggled with depression and anxiety for years. It got so bad some days I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. During an especially dark time I had that yearly appointment with my OBGYN. I’m so thankful I finally told her how I was really feeling. She prescribed me an antidepressant which helped me get control of both my anxiety and depression. It was a slow process, but I started getting out. I joined the local YMCA and started taking they’re yoga classes and walking in the city park. It has made an amazing difference in my life.
The most important part of my recovery process has been praying and just talking to god.
Everyday day I ask god to be in my life and guide me . I will pray and hope for you also.
I hope you know and feel in your heart that you are loved and important. I hope you will talk to your doctor too.
Rynda Gregory says
Jennifer –
I’ve been reading on this very topic over the last few months. One thing that I’ve read that really impacted me was looking at how much I was defining my happiness and worth based on OTHER people’s perspective. I absolutely care about other people – it is a life lesson my husband and I teach our kids – that you need to care about and for others. However, too many of us create this image what what we think other people think of us. Lots of “shoulds” or “shouldnt’s”. What do you like doing? Don’t limit yourself on what you might think is or isn’t acceptable by others. It’s your life – you are the only one you have to live with for the rest of your life.
Be good with who you are, the way you are, and enjoy what you enjoy doing.
Peace to you!
Rynda
Sara says
There are so many good ideas on here!
I have to say I am proud of you for being brave enough to comment and ask this question! It can be scary to put yourself out there even online.
I have gone through depression for many years. Sometimes when you are having a hard time you have to look at what you have done, not what you can’t do. You got out of bed, read this blog (which is inspiring and good for you!), you posted a comment! All of that is good stuff that might have been hard to do but you did it!
Amanda W says
When it gets really, really hard, I ask myself what is next on my have to or need to do list. Even if it’s unpleasant and I really, seriously, don’t want to do it. I set a small goal of “get through this one next thing.” When that small thing doesnt kill me and I receive the mental reward of progress, I can usually move on past the funk. If not, I return back to “get through next thing.” The central premise is the breaking down life and only deal with one thing at a time in order to keep moving forward to better, happier times.
Julia says
Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and asking for help. I think it might be time for you to talk to a professional. It sounds like you are depressed. It happens and in no way makes you a bad or weak person. Reaching out for help can be scary. Maybe start with talking to your doctor and ask for counseling referrals as rule out any medical reasons for how you feel. You can also call your health care provider (listed as behavioral health on the back of your insurance card) and ask for referrals. In addition, must counties in the US have a Crisis Intervention agency that you can call 24/7 just to talk to someone. Sending prayers and positive energy you way:)
Kristen Finnemore says
Dear Jennifer – You’ve done the hardest part by asking for help. You are so brave! We are all with you. I will pray for you too.
There are so many good ideas here for your.
Get out into the fresh air! Pick one thing everyday to do. Smile even though you may not want to… someone will smile back.
Read something fun, eat a brownie for breakfast, put the loudest dance music you have and do a little dance. DO IT FOR YOU and YOU ALONE!
Love u!
Deb says
Jennifer – Life, it’s difficult at times and sometimes it’s easy to let it grab you and hold you down. I’ll give you the words my brother gives me almost daily as I am going through an extreme rough patch….breathe in, breathe out and repeat consistently. I know that may sound odd, but when you focus on breathing in and breathing out, you can truly change in that very moment. Hang in there. Don’t be afraid to be real. The world tells us to be “fake”, but really, doesn’t everyone want to know that being “real” is safe and that others feel the same way at times. So breathe on….
Keralee says
This is for Jennifer and all the lovely ladies in Mavis-land,
I am seeing that Jennifer is not alone in her difficulties,reading everyones responses. I myself nearly ended my life a year ago for feeling the same way. I have some concerns about some of the advice though… not that it isnt all good, but some of it can backfire or maybe be hard to do in her current state.
(pre)Menopause plus financial stress plus loved-one stress is a hormonal triple whammy. I urgently repeat my previous advice re progesterone USP (bioidentical only, fake progestins from docs are NOT same thing and damage the body), Vit D3, natural b vitimins, and purest fish oils. However, with finances tanked you may not even be able to afford these. I wouldnt have been able to a year ago either. So I will share what I did then and have learned since that is FREE! Zero dollars needed, just have to stop doing certain things or adjust a few habits. Favorite words here in Mavis land!
There is zero doubt in my mind, considering what you shared about financial stress and caring for your husband, that your adrenal glands are “crashed” and badly so. Unless you have the rare good fortune of having a skilled naturopath or functional medicine doctor, very few doctors know how to identify and treat this. So advise to see a doctor could backfire because if you get on wrong drugs it can get worse. Crashed adrenals causes all the symptoms of low thyroid function because the pituitary will turn off the thyroid As A Natural Survival Response To Prolonged Stress.
Our bodies are divinely brilliant and it helps if we trust them. Your body is trying to conserve energy because it believes there is a state of disaster. Staying in bed actually helps, sleep, and way more of it than just 8 hours, is one of the free cures God gives us.
Turning off all lights, especially any in blue spectrums which is the led and fluorescent and electronics sources, early, 9 pm, and sleeping in an utterly dark room greatly help repair the circadian rhythms and sleep healing, and is free. Dr. Jack Kruse.com site will explain more about why this is so important for all of us. He is a brilliant neurosurgeon and far more knowledgeable than most doctors. Believe me, it works. I use candles and red incandescent bulbs and it has changed my life. Yup, sounds stupid and nerdy. It is not. Free. Works.
Also very important is to radically reduce carbohydrate in diet. Constant intake of carbs, sugar, fruit tells body that it is endless summer and this messes up adrenals and more. Again its a complicated topic and very few people, never mind docs, understand it yet. God gives us certain foods in certain seasons, and eating only what is seasonal, local, and anciently traditional for your genetic group is actually cheaper than eating out of season imports… But let me simplify further and just summarize that a ketogenic diet reversed my depression very rapidly. Winter and spring are the best times to utilize this tool, not summer or fall. Very low carb, high fat, just a bit of protein not crazy atkins amounts. Tons of good info on web. Saves money, you stop being hungry and just eat less.
The next level of repair (keto-adapt first or this will be hard at first) is to fast. Yup, just stop eating. This is my absolute favorite healing technique now, as it is utterly FREE. Worked for Jesus. Works for lots of people. Tons of info on web. Nothing works faster to heal the nervous system, erase depression, reboot digestion, reboot immune system…eventually rebuild whole body. It even youthens one. I highly recommend educating yourself first though, if only because it will allay the unreasonable fears so many people have about this simplest practice. Dr. Jason Fung has written excellent book on how to heal by fasting which is a good starting point. Or watch his free videos on youtube.
Intermittent Fasting is another route, also very helpful and completely free (you are skipping meals and not snacking, this is very economical). However, with crashed adrenals I find its easier to start with Keto first, then block fasting of a week or longer, before IF. Regular meals or zero meals, contradictory sounding, I know, seem to be more soothing/predictable to body than intermittent ones at first. That is my experience getting out of the low adrenal nightmare, it could vary because we are all so different. Believe it or not, not eating is very relaxing. The body has to spend inordinate amounts of energy on the processes of digestion. Its not something anyone believes until they experience it for themselves though.
Meditation, calming prayer, deep breathing/pranayama,, gentle yoga or just walking–no strenuous exercise–and especially outdoors in first light of morning, are all free and also very helpful.
The last item on my freebies list is the least popular, ha ha… you would think it was fasting, but no. It is Cold Showers. Holy cannolis, this is no doubt about it hard as heck to do, but… it rocks! It raises natural dopamine 200 percent. Thats like drinking 50 pots of coffee but with no jitters or bad side effects. Only do this if your heart is good. And its ok to work into it slowly. Again, some info on web, Wimm Hoff has a very good course which I recommend if you can afford it. Sounds crazy but its FREE (you dont have to pay to heat water) and incredibly effective. My favorite way is to stand barefoot outdoors in rain. What a rush!
So now you all probably think I am insane. Please consider that I might not be?
What I have shared with you all is veey powerful, life-changing stuff. It goes against convention. It is uncomfortable and challenging, at first. But I swear to you, it works. Fast.
And don’t forget—everyone’s favorite four letter word—it is all FREE. All are gifts from God.
Bless you all, I hope this helps someone.
It saved my life.
suzanne says
I went keto a year ago. It has changed my life. Dr. Fung is fantastic! I think people refuse to accept / or are miss informed that the food we consume day in and day out define our health. Drs are calling alzheimer’s type 3 diabetes.
Keralee says
Amen, sister! Keto is saving lives, and fast. No wonder it is taking the web by storm. I cannot say enough good about it.
Seems to fix 95 percent of most problems for those who actually do it. I suspect the very few who dont benefit from it need to tweak it a bit…book coming out soon, Dirty Genes, with quizzes and guidance how to adjust.
And ladies…um, if you want to drop some pounds in a hurry, keto is a godsend! I hesitate to mention weight loss at all because so much info on keto only focuses on that, and it is NOT the best or even most important effect of ketogenic diet. Fixing our brains and our immune systems is.
Too bad so few doctors are well educated about it. Wish they would all study with Dr. Fung…
Best wishes to you all! What an amazing, wise and compassionate group of women you all are!
Sandy says
Jennifer, I urge you to see a doctor about your hormones and discuss depression. You can do all the feel good things in the world but if you are dealing with a hormonal or chemical imbalance none of that is going to work.
After your appointment with a trusted doctor you will have tools and information to go forward.
I was depressed (situational) and menopausal and once I got those two things addressed my whole outlook on life changed. Then I felt as if I could lift my head and look around and find something that interested me again. Try all kinds of different things on and see if they fit. Knitting? Quilting? Painting? Take a class. Go to your local library. They offer book clubs and ancestry groups and reading rooms. Sometimes just reading a book around other people helps to lift you up. Long walks. Get out in nature, no matter what the weather. Tackle a project in your house — declutter, paint a room, move the furniture around…it doesn’t have to take a lot of money to refresh your living space. Get a small aquarium and a few fish. They are relaxing and beautiful to watch. Look inside. Think about it. Write it down.
Most of all remember, everyone else’s life (as evidenced by all these comments) isn’t the instagram/facebook/twitter/blog feed perfection people post all the time. That’s just what they choose to show. Everyone is suffering something. Be kind to people because everyone, and I mean everyone, is battling something. And it’s a big deal to them.
Hang in there.
Patty says
So many caring women with so many wonderful suggestions!
Jennifer, please know that there are many of us who have felt something similar to what you are going through. What I do for myself is to reach out. Call a friend, have lunch with a relative, schedule yourself to do something with someone. Sometimes I do this and when the time scheduled comes I may think “maybe I won’t go”. I make myself go, and always, always, am happy that I’ve done so!
Another thing I do that is helpful to me is to keep a small journal beside my bed. Every night before I crawl under the sheets I write down three things that have brought me joy that day. Search your heart for those joyful moments, make those joyful moments happen. They are there!
Lastly, you have taken a great step in reaching out to others for support. I know you will find your passion again because you want to. Many blessings to you!
Emily B. says
This hits home for me. There is nothing really WRONG with my life, and overall I am very very blessed to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, and (because I’m in MN) a warm place to be. All that said, I still have been having trouble getting up in the morning and building any type of momentum or excitement? Forget about it. I think part of it is that January is the month most people feel some sort of depression or loss. I personally know that I have been struggling with the mother daughter dynamic with my 23 YO, a weight gain, and a loss of a beloved pet.
Service to others is what has kept me going. It’s hard to make a commitment when you feel blah, but once you do you have someone or something depending on you. I have cats of my own, and I foster with a rescue that see a fair amount of creatures that come in damaged in some way. Being that constant for them, and knowing that I’m solely responsible for their welfare is what keeps me going. Sometimes that’s all I can force myself to do. Peel myself off the mattress, trudge through work, get home, take care of animals, and then go to bed. But I’m doing it, and for now- that’s enough.
I know this is not a forever feeling, and being cognizant of that is also a help. In the words of a wise soul…
“Just keep swimming!” – Dory from Finding Nemo
Anna says
Hi Jennifer,
I think a good starting point would be with a general health check with primary care M.D. or naturopath. Make sure there is nothing underlying (ie. thyroid or depression). If your funk is due to life circumstances, can you reach out to a friend or family member to talk to, who really knows you and can be a sounding board? That person who knows you better than yourself and can give you some positive insight and perspective? A therapist or life coach?
I’d also suggest that you establish some basic routines that you reliably fall back on that help propel you forward every day. Force yourself up and get yourself dressed in the morning -make it a priority, not an idea. Take care of your home via cleaning/decluttering a little each day. Take care of the errands or a task you’ve been procrastinating. Pay the bills. Get the monotonous tasks accomplished and make them automatic, in the good times and in the bad, to give you a sense of control and empowerment over your life. Then play some favorite music, read something that interests you, take a bath …do a little something enjoyable in your day to help elevate your mood. Once you feel like you have some momentum going, explore some of the great ideas these ladies have suggested! BUT, at the same time, do yourself a big favor and take the pressure off your need to have a passion! There is a lot of that swirling around the internet right now and it can make those of us who haven’t found our bliss feel crappy about where we are at if we let it. Don’t compare yourself to others, you are on your own journey. Be kind to yourself, there are enough life pressures already! Rejoice for those who have found their passion but resolve to enjoy your own process at your own pace, as we all are! Hugs to you and any other reader struggling with this and kudos to you Mavis for such a thoughtful post! 🙂
Tina says
Caregiver strain is very difficult. Navigating the disability process is hard, (I would sometimes joke that I would jab my eyes out so I didn’t have to look at the paperwork, but they probably have a form for that.) Having three teenagers is its own troubles. Sometimes getting through the days is just saying to yourself ” I CAN do difficult things”. Some days you just barely get through, not very gracefully or gratefully, you snap at people who don’t deserve it or things get put off. You ask God to forgive you, you forgive yourself and you get a new day to start over. Be kind to yourself and know that one piece at a time the burden will lift, the disability will come through, your financial situation will be less stressful. I took me a long time to accept help from my friends and family , because of pride, but once I told people I was getting worn down and begin accepting offers of help it was such a relief I felt foolish for not doing it sooner. Small things, like someone bringing over a meal or even coming along on doctors apt to keep you company in the waiting room, it eases your heart. I’m glad that you wrote here and that so many people are responding. I wish you blessing going forward and know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many.
Lori says
I’m the sole caregiver for my 84 year old mom who has dementia. She is still very high functioning, so I am able to go to work every day, but just about all the remainder of my time is devoted to her. Right now she forgets things and has occasional episodes of confusion, but she is not a danger at this point to herself or anyone else. I am hopeful she won’t get to that point, but I know realistically that it will happen eventually. It depresses me and makes me anxious, but I try to just move ahead one step at a time. I know at some point, hopefully not soon, I will have to make some really tough decisions. I’m lucky in that my mom and I have always been close and she trusts me completely. I feel so alone sometimes, but I also feel so blessed that I have this time with my mom and I can do this for her. I never had kids and I’m divorced, so I’m not neglecting anyone in order to care for her. She moved in with me about 8 years ago before this all started.
In the spare time I can find I try to do crafts like crochet, cross stitch and sewing, but I really don’t have a lot of spare time. Right now I’m in an organizing frenzy and I’m in the process of going through paperwork and getting rid of crap I’ve carried around for years. I bring a little to work with me each day and go through it at lunch. I also took a page from Mavis and I have committed to purging 250 items from my home this year. I’m not counting the paperwork, but I’m up to 62 items already this year. Last year I purged 150 items. It felt really good. I love organizing.
I enjoy cooking and finding recipes to tempt my mom to eat. She has no appetite and so it is a challenge.
I read a lot and listen to audio books. In the summer I work in my yard as much as I can and if it isn’t too hot my mom works with me. I have three little dogs (two yorkies and a shih tzu) and I enjoy playing with them.
I need to learn to accept more help from friends, I struggle with that a lot. I always have been proud to be able to “do it myself.” I am limited by money as far as hiring people to come in and help. So far, I have been able to handle everything, but some days, like today, I’m a little fragile.
I have darker days, days when my nerves are shot and/or my anxiety is flared, but overall I am very thankful for the blessings in my life. I am thankful I have a job and my health is reasonably good and that I have a home. I’m thankful that I can help my mom and I hope I am making this time easier for her.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you’re not alone.
Susan says
Hi Jennifer,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I normally don’t reply to things but I can see myself, a bit, in your story. 4 years ago I was in a high stress management position when my health started to falter and my anxiety levels styrocketed!!
After months of medical tests my condition was identified, however I would not be rejoins the work force in the traditional way. Dealing with that, my panic attacks, and starting the SDI process was well……
The loss of my income definetly put a strain for sure! We had just purchased a new (old) home that was in dire need of repair. Well needless to say that is still an ongoing project that we had planned to have complete long before now.
With that, our daughter moved home with our granddaughter due to divorce. She was formerly a SAHM who now had to look for work. Happily she is now employed and going to school as well.
Fast forward to today, I have received my SDI benefits (with the help of a reputable attorney). While we are still working on the debt accumulated over the years with the loss of my income and the reduction of our monthly income I have found joy in meal planning, baking and cooking from scratch, gardening, reading and the greatest gift – being the caregiver to our beautiful granddaughter!
So the main idea is that if all this had not happened, I would not have been here for our daughter and granddaughter, would have gone on really not appreciating the blessings God has given us.
I still deal with anxiety and every now and panic attacks but thankfully not like before. Coming to grips with the new physical limits of my body still angers me sometimes, mostly when I want to do something I used to do and cannot now. Then I think about others who have some much less than we do and move on. It took awhile to get here but the journey was a blessing in disguise.
I will pray for you and yours with your journey.
Susan
P.S. Someone else commented to ask for help with things if you need to, DO IT! I was also the classic fixer of all things never asking for help, people were so wonderful when I did ask I kicked myself that I hadn’t done it sooner! Lol.
chatnal says
Hi Jennifer,
I’ve been there too many times. I am dealing with a 21 year old child with physical and mental disability. I also moved in with my mother in law that has the beginning of dementia 14 months ago to help care for her. Life is not easy. It can be really hard on everyone. Most people don’t talk about the hard times. I find walks in the country in the sun helps, reading and escaping into someone else’s life helps some times, quilting, if you have someone to talk to that help a lot. I only have one friend that can understand partly what I’m going threw. We only meet every couple of months. But boy does that get together makes a difference for a few days. I hope you find that one thing to help you get threw this. Just don’t give up. It will get better. It just takes time. Hang in there and know that you our not alone.
Michele says
I can’t really add any suggestions for finding a new spark since most of my ideas have been mentioned, but, I would like to add a suggestion of getting some bloodwork done to see if you are lacking vitamins or minerals, if your overall hormone and thyroid function are what they should be, and that you don’t have some other underlying health issue. Sometimes our age and circumstances come together to create a scenario like yours. We often think we’re just ‘in a funk’, but the real issue is physical.
I hope this helps in some way and I hope you get to feeling better about life overall.
Beth says
Jennifer thank you for bravely sharing your struggles and thank you Mavis for sharing with us and creating a forum for others to chime in. Neither of you will ever know how many others you helped. I’m in my early 50s and I can relate with your feelings- and with so many of the comments that said women put others first and then don’t know how to step back and take care of ourselves. I don’t have additional new advice to share but please do take time for yourself every day- we cannot help others when we run ourselves into the ground. I will be praying for you and your family- God Bless.
Ulrike says
There are so many great comments and advice here that would be so helpful. I have done gardening which helps ground me, walking no matter what the weather and when walking offering a prayer of thanks for life. I also take a free yoga class at my local library which by doing that forces me to get out and be around other people. Everyone has a different need and purpose. Hopefully you will find something through what others have offered to continue onward. A smile, a sunrise and sunset, birds…hoping you will find the peace and joy for your life.
Jennifer says
At the risk of being maudlin, I guess I should add that we are close to facing an eviction – no income, no rent money, etc… That is my biggest fear as we don’t have the money to move and the closest family is in another state and they are on a fixed income as well.
Plus, our dd has moved out and in with her boyfriend and now can’t be bothered to hardly communicate with us. This is so against our moral code that it is breaking my heart – I’m taking it personally and while I shouldn’t, tell me one Mama who wouldn’t?
My best friend of more than 40 years (since we were 5) quit communicating with me after I broke down and asked if she could help us financially. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but when you are facing the power being shut off, you will beg anyone that you think will help.
It’s all of these things that have brought me down, along with just the normal parts of life. It’s heartening to know that I am not alone and if nothing else, I hope that I’m not the only one uplifted to know that so many strangers care and I’m not alone in these feelings.
OK, enough of the complaining. I have made an appt with a dr. for a physical. I forgot to say that dh was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic with the stroke and we both changed our diets drastically. No sugar for either of us, although I will admit that I have eaten the equivalent of one candy bar a month for the last 7 months and nothing sweeter than fruit other than that. I have lost 30 pounds and trust me, I needed that badly.
I love to read, so I think I will focus on that. I used to crosstitch, but I can’t see well enough to do it anymore. My long-term goal would be to do something that I enjoy that could bring in some money as well. I just don’t seem to have to drive to even investigate it. I’ll find it. I have to.
I love my dh so much, but y’all, he’s a man who is disabled after a lifetime of being active, do I have to say more? 🙂 I try to be the rock, but it’s hard to do day after day.
If anything, I only ask for good thoughts and prayers for our family.
Trava Olivier says
Love all the advice to get outside and take a walk! I try to do this but I live in the midwest and sometimes with temps and/or windchills below zero it isn’t possible! If that is the case for you Jennifer, then find a sunny window and soak up those rays by placing your favorite chair near it! I also allow myself a deep cleansing cry every now and then. Life can really be difficult sometimes. I also find talking to one true friend and letting them know how I am feeling helps…even when they can’t really do anything more than listen and comfort me with a hug! I am glad you recognize your depression. If necessary then see your doctor or a mental health professional, maybe an anti-depressant or talking to a therapist is the answer…and it doesn’t have to be “forever”, just enough to get through the rough patch!
Gina says
Jennifer, many schools have a hard time finding substitute teachers. Maybe you can try it. You only have to work when you want and getting out and making some extra money may help. Kids these days need us more and more. You may want to start out by volunteering to teach the slow readers at the elementary school. I used to do that. The first grade teacher pulled out a few of kids, one at a time, to read aloud to me. I would help them sound out words. The first day I did this, I cried. I got more out of it than they did!
As an excercise in gratitude, I also pray for they safety of anyone I see at a bus stop or homeless, or any tragic loss I see in the news. And as a mom to an high functioning autistic teen, I have come to terms that my life’s work or God’s plan for me may just be to be his caretaker and my husband’s support. Like, maybe thats why God brought us into eachothers lives, so I can help them. Self care is important: wash your face, moisturize, a little make up before anyone else gets up. Hot tea or coffee while sitting on front porch while watching the birds, lizards, or butterflies. Drop your husband off at the library while you go shopping. He’ll get out and feel a little independant. Then bring home a free borrowed movie to watch together. We need less than we know. Start surrounding yourself with just essentials and beauty in case you may need to move. God will provide. Life is good. God bless you. Be an example of strength for your daughter. She will come around. Be well.
Jennifer B says
This could have been me – and at first I wondered if i somehow made this post without realizing it. My name is Jennifer, I’m 49, my job of 17 years is coming to an end, my teenage daughter no longer needs me to drive her everywhere, and I’m at loose ends.
So what do I do? As others have mentioned, I am trying to rediscover the things that made me happy as a kid. I have joined a clogging group that practices weekly. I knit. I keep a list of books I want to read, and podcasts I want to listen to. I bake bread (though, to my chagrin, my husband has celiac so now I have to figure out gluten free bread)
I’m struggling with whether to try to find a new job or not, with what my life will look like in 18 months when my daughter is “grown and flown”, and how to make friends and be happy. I don’t think I’ve been happy in a long time. Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like??