Last week I wrote a post about getting enough sleep: Work More, Sleep Less, Die Sooner. Reader, Angela, left a comment on that post that piqued my interest:
How many married couples sleep separately? And if so, how does it impact their marriage?
I assumed the universal norm was for couples to sleep in the same bed/room, but after doing a little research, I was shocked! There was a survey done by the National Sleep Foundation that found almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds. One in four! Who knew?! They said:
“Many people have a good reason for splitting up after dark. Sometimes one partner’s nighttime behaviors – loud snoring, sleep talking, restless movements and so forth – are too disruptive. In other cases, the ‘fit’ between the couple’s sleeping habits is the problem. Maybe one person is a light sleeper and the other has a penchant for stealing covers… Add in conflicting sleep times, differing work schedules and TV habits or electronics and you can see why some partners give up. Just because a couple chooses to live happily ever after doesn’t mean their nighttime personalities are a perfect match.”
I think, but I can’t speak for everyone, that many couples share a bed because it’s the norm or because they’re afraid their intimacy levels will suffer. But if we shove both of those reasons aside and just take a long hard look at quality sleep, I think many people would agree that they might sleep better without their spouse. Obviously that’s not a blanket statement. I have a friend whose husband travels for work and she always complains how poorly she sleeps when he’s away. They’ve been married for so long that her body just doesn’t fall into a deep sleep unless he’s beside her.
I also have a friend whose husband works nights and she thinks it’s glorious when he’s not sharing their bed. She sleeps like a baby when he’s at work and terribly on his days off because she says he’s an oven. They might really benefit from separate beds. But they are too traditional to ever try.
So now I’m curious about you! Do you sleep in a separate bed from your spouse or significant other? How long have you been together and have your current sleeping arrangements always been the same throughout the entire relationship? Do you sometimes wish you slept in a separate room/bed but will probably go on forever sleeping in the same bed as your spouse? If so, why?
Talk to me,
~Mavis
Katy says
I am pretty sure this would be beneficial, but I refuse 🙂 I have no good reason other than I don’t want to change and like waking up next to my hubby.
Susie says
If we had separate beds we might as well have separate houses too! But each couple is different and what works for one might not work for others. Just wish i could get my little ones out of my bed! Why do they love sleeping sideways sin my bed? Lol
Susie says
Lol- not sin… I ment sleep and I can’t edit my comment
Practical Parsimony says
I actually know a couple that does live in different houses right across the driveway in their large property.
Cindy says
When he’s going through a snoring phase I wish we had an extra bed!
Leslie says
We share and it wrecks our sleep. We work opposite schedules, so it’s an issue. We will get a bigger bed when we move, and anticipate that will take care of it for the most part.
Tracy says
King size bed and separate blankets makes all the difference in the world
Patty P says
I agree with this…we have a king size and each have our own comforter. It makes a huge difference!
Danielle says
My husband and I also have a king size bed and separate comforters. It allows each of us to curl up in our blankets and get to sleep quickly! I always try to beat him to sleep cause he tends to snore. Lol
Michelle says
We also have a king size bed and separate comforters! We have a mattress warmer too. It’s great!!
Carrie says
I’ve been with my partner for 11.5 years. We’ve lived together for 8 of those years and had separate homes before that but pretty much stayed at each others place 95% of the time. The only times we don’t share a bed is when one is very sick. Neither of us snores regularly or has an odd sleeping habits so that helps. I get really hot and he likes to snuggle so that isn’t compatible but we make it work. There’s something romantic about being next to the one you love while they sleep soundly.
jessica says
Husband and I share a bed.. but we do NOT share blankets! I swear people who hear that act like we are on the edge of divorce! But he is such a hot body that he makes me burn up.. we both also like to curl up in our blankets.. and this prevents the pull and tug game all night long!
Jeanie says
Along time ago I read a simplifying book by Elaine St. James and she recommended using light duvets so each person could have their own comfort level. We love that system! We have been married 36 years so I don’t think we are experiencing any issues with it! We have a king sized bed and twin double bed duvets. We also have a king sized duvet for snuggling purposes but usually end up sleeping with our own doubles. My husband is a blanket hog.
Shelby says
We do the same thing! Queen bed, but separate covers. When we switched from a king bed to a queen we tried using the same covers thinking the king comforter would work for both of us in a smaller bed and it was a nightmare.
Tracy says
My husband likes to wrap himself up like a sausage and I’m claustrophobic and can’t stand having my feet tucked in. Separate blankets makes all the difference in the world. That and when a pet joins us it doesn’t matter because they’re not messing with my blanket.
Jen says
This is literally my husband and I! Separate blankets saved our marriage 🙂
Sara says
We do the same thing. I’ve heard it’s more common in Europe than here in the US. I sleep so much better because I can snuggle/hug my blanket.
Kalli says
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have had separate beds for the past 7 years. We both have sleep habits that bother the other and we both get more/better quality sleep if we sleep apart. Sometimes we will sleep in the same bed, but not often–maybe once a month.
Earlene says
Well, I think a few of the comments I could take offense too, but I won’t because every couple has its issues. Ours started about 7 years ago when I had my first back surgery, I ended up sleeping for 3 years in the Lazy Boy, we would start off together ,
but I slept better and since we both work, sleeping all night is important. Since then, my husband got me a hospital bed that is adjustable. And I sleep near him, but not in the same bed, people need not to be so critical if couples don’t share the same bed to sleep. We still have intimacy and enjoy each other, but not all night. I never thought I would not sleep all my nights with him, but until we get an adjustable bed together, it’s separate. Bed costs are expensive!
Miss Meliss says
I have been sleeping in a recliner for over 10 years because of my terrible back. At first, I felt guilty, like I had failed him/ our marriage, but he says it is more important for me to be able to function and not be in pain than it is to share a bed. Now we are both so accustomed to it that even if I could sleep flat, I don’t think I would go back to sharing. We also looked at adjustable beds, but were quoted $6000 and I about died. This works for us and why mess with a good thing?
Rebecca in MD says
We have been married for almost 43 years. We slept in the same bed for about 33 of those years. However my husband has become a light sleeper, and I snore, which bothers him. Soooooo, separate beds for us. This has improved our quality of sleep, and who cares what anyone else thinks if it works for both of you?
Linda Sand says
We’ve been married for 50 years. We’ve had separate beds for the last seven of those. We sleep different hours; he likes to wrap up in the comforter; I sleep hot so rarely sleep under the comforter; we both snore but his bothers me more than mine bother him. We both sleep better when in separate beds but it took us a long time to admit that and I still get embarrassed when company sees two beds in our bedroom.
Janice says
We’ve been married for over forty years and during the last 8 we’ve slept in separate rooms (not just beds). He goes to bed early and I’m a nighthawk – so I would wake him up when I came to bed and he’d wake me up when he got up early in the morning. Neither of us were getting a good nights sleep. He’s also snores and I can some nights hear him through the walls of “my” room. I don’t know why anyone would think you might need to get separate houses if you don’t share a room but this works for us and we both get a good nights sleep. I also was uncomfortable telling people about this as I thought it wasn’t normal. I’m past that and don’t care what others think and I’m finding the more open I am about it the more I learn that others also have their own sleep spaces.
Julie says
same here….married 40 years this year…been sleeping in separate rooms for about 20 years. Husband snores and uses a cpap machine. I was a walking zombie all day long trying to sleep together. He’s up at 4:30 am in bed by 9…I’m up at 6:30, in bed by midnite. Also, I have GERD and have to have the head of my bed elevated. Separate rooms just makes sense for us!
Erin says
25 years August 1 and still sleeping together. We’ve always slept on a king size bed because his parents insisted it was the only way to go and even bought us our first bed to make sure we did, lol! He has occasionally suggested sleeping separately because we both of sleep issues, but I have always resisted because it would feel like we were just roommates. Maybe someday we’all have separate rooms, but hopefully not any time soon!
Lauren says
My husband and I have been together 8 years and very happily! We do not share a bed after trying probably a dozen times and one or the other leaving. While we’d both like to wake up to the other’s presence, sleep is more important too allow us to get along.
Martine says
When I commented to my aunt that my husband snored and I couldn’t sleep she said ‘I’d give anything to have my husband back and to hear him snore again’ Her husband died 10 years ago. Since then I’ve been able to sleep fine if I hear him snoring. It made me appreciate that he’s here. That said, he gets the odd nudge in the ribs if the snoring gets out of hand lol. Married over 40 years.
Deborah says
Married 36 years and we always slept together until about 8-9 years ago. Some rough times in our marriage and a lot of stuff happened, but we are still are married and live together now. My husbands habits have changed a lot and he stays up late on the computer, he leaves the lights on, is up and down all the time. I was going to bed very late too, but it was just about killing me. I started sleeping in our daughter’s room (they are moved out and at college) and realized how much better i was sleeping.
The room is darker and quieter and i can change the temp to keep it cool, he always wanted the temp hot.
To be quite frank, there is/was no intimacy anyway, so not missing any of that by sleeping apart.
Dan says
My wife and I have been married 32 years. She has started working nights and needs a dark, cold room to sleep. Our daughter’s old room is just right. If I want some intimacy we make date and pick a time, you might want to try that. As we get older men need a some time to get in the mood.
Sherry says
King sized bed with separate blankets since very early on because he always stole the covers. I wish I had my own room. Cannot stand the snoring, it’s ridiculously horrible. No intimacy here either. I would love a good night’s sleep for once!
Peggy says
I hear ya Deborah! Hubby is a total bed hog, I felt like he didn’t even want me there, he always thought it was funny I would have a little triangle at the top or bottom of the bed to curl up in while he took up most of the bed.
Megan says
I used to have sleep problems as hubby almost always goes to bed earlier than I do, he is a bit of a duvet hog and tended to take up most of the bed and occasionally both of us snore, I would wake up often feeling like I was clinging to the edge of the bed or sometimes I would sleep in a seperate room as I felt I was going to wake him coming to bed so late. Two years ago we upgraded two sizes from a queen to a super king and its made a huge difference. He doesn’t tend to encroach on my side of the bed so much anymore so I don’t feel crowed and don’t wake up the same, he still steals the covers but I just pull them back when I get in and a bit of a nudge usually spots the snoring.. on either side!
Jennifer says
Hubs is only home for one week a month, so the majority of the time we aren’t even in the same city (he usually lives in a man camp or hotels). When he’s here, we usually share a California King (he’s very tall)…but I get used to sleeping alone, so it takes me a few days to adjust. And by then he’s leaving again, lol. Sometimes he falls asleep on the couch, so I leave him.
Linda Bick says
Been married for 37 years, always slept together, always will!
Jennifer says
22 years as a couple and always shared a bed. He knows I sleep like a baby when he’s out of town. But I still sleep well enough when we’re together (the vast majority of the time) that I wouldn’t change it.
Sometimes I wish for my own space/room because I’m an early bird and the hubby is a night owl, plus I sleep lightly. It’d be great to just retreat to my own room and be completely undisturbed. I doubt I would do that though. Hubby is too traditional and would worry what it implies.
Patti says
Lets see, we have been together for 21 years and have ranged from sleeping together, sleeping in separate rooms, separate rooms on separate floors (he would actually have to go outside, down the stairs and into a different part of the barn). More curious to others is the fact that he works in TX and we live in CO. NOW when he comes home 1x a month we sleep together. Reasons for the sleeping separateness….his snoring and his chronic pain prevents him from sleeping more than a few hours and he would just lay there in misery afraid to wake me up by getting out of bed, where as I like 9-10 hours of sleep a night. As for the other…he has always worked away from home and it works for us because its what we have always done…..its the norm. We once lived and worked together for 10 months and wanted to kill each other.
Wendy says
My husband has sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome. If the mask wasn’t blowing cold air on me then his legs would hit mine and wake me up; never mind the sheet grabbing we were both guilty of! And yes, we have a king size bed, but we’re both tall, so it still wasn’t big enough. For YEARS I had the worst time making it through the day–I was so exhausted and I was binge eating constantly. I had no idea my sleep was suffering until he left on a long trip and came back sick. I banished myself to the guest room, and after a week or so sleeping separately, I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. I’ve since lost the baby weight (it took 10 years after my second son was born) and I’m a MUCH nicer person to be around. For us, it’s a no brainer.
Zelda says
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7. We haven’t slept in the same bed (or even the same room) for about 9 years now, and we are much happier this way. He’s a snorer and gets up very early, and I’m a wiggler and get up later. Sleeping separately has improved our marriage (including intimacy) because we are both well rested and happier.
Yes, people think it’s weird and sometimes make rude comments, but no one else except him and me have any say in our marriage. 🙂
Practical Parsimony says
I have to have my sleep. Snoring, hogging covers, or even getting up and being noisy wakes me. I was married 14 years and divorced now for 35. So, if I married again, it would be separate bedrooms with lots of visits back and forth. My daughter married and immediately they went to separate blankets. She is warm-natured and he is not. I think one of them wrapped up in the blanket, not sure. But they were mid-20s and did not think it strange to have separate blankets.
I have a friend who lived with her mother out of town for 6 months. Mother was ill and elderly. She came back home and immediately she and husband went to separate bedrooms. She is not embarrassed at all and does not care what people think.
Rajena says
Lets see…my husband and I have been together for about 14 years now. Started off in the same bed because that is just what you do. Had our first child 9 years ago and problems began. My snoring got a lot worse and never went away. His night owl tendencies chipped away at what sleep I got. Had our second 3 years later. His insomnia came back probably due to moving to a more stressful position. So it went I snored, he wiggled, I woke up, back to sleep, then snore, wiggle, wake up, etc etc. Oh and throw in the occasional child waking up. It finally got to the point where we were both so tired that we fought constantly. Then I moved out of the room, got my own bed and voila! No ridiculous fights and we have a peaceful house and get along as good as ever. Separate beds work for us and I wish we didn’t wait as long as we did. 🙂
PS We like separate rooms too because he likes his room warm and cozy and I like mine cold so I can breathe. You do what works for you and forget about what the people who do not live you think about. 🙂
Sally says
We have been married 37 years and sleep together, with the same blankets in a full size bed. Our kids laugh at our little bed. We can’t sleep when we are apart. I just was in the hospital for surgery and my husband barely slept. It’s what works for us.
mable says
34 years here and I would sleep in separate beds or even rooms but my husband, who is normally very easy-going, insists that we sleep in the same bed and go to bed at the same time. This despite the fact that I have always had terrible nightmares and regularly wake him up screaming or crying in my sleep. He says he doesn’t care, he wants to turn over and find me there and if being woken up is the price, he is willing to live with it. I think it stems from my being born with a heart defect and him living through all of my surgeries. Sometimes I have caught him taking my pulse, if my breathing is too soft. I complained about this to my sister once and she said she would give the moon to have a man still so in love with her after 34 years of marriage. That actually helped me change my attitude about it.
Heather says
Married 22 years now and mostly share the same room. His snoring and the fact that I am a light sleeper have been a problem for years. I thought for the last several years that I was just an insomniac, rarely getting a good nights sleep and always exhausted. But recently due to a work change, I sleep alone 4 or 5 nights a week and it is a wonderful thing! I can’t believe how much better I sleep those nights and how much energy I have the next day. Once in a while, one of us sleeps on the couch (not comfortable) but when the oldest goes away to college next year, I am ready for separate rooms. I think I will be a much better person when I get more sleep!
Sarah says
I watched a documentary a few months ago that had something to do with Jackie Kennedy and interior design. One of the few things I remember is that President Kennedy and Mrs. Kennedy had separate bedrooms. There’s no shame in wanting to get a good night’s sleep! I’m a much better wife when I’m well rested.
Jenny says
I work night shift and hubby works days. The days we don’t sleep at the same time are the days we sleep the best! But, we have only known this sleeping schedule so it works for us. We do sleep in the same bed at the same time when I am off work…he flops all over the bed and tears the cover apart which is super annoying, yet tells me I snore
Cindy M. says
We have been married for 40 years and the last 15 years or so, restful sleep has become increasingly rare. We developed opposite sleep patterns – my husband falls to sleep quickly and thus snores, keeping me from falling asleep. My deeper sleep is towards the morning. We would constantly worry about stirring too much and waking each other. 3 years ago, he had open heart surgery and had to sleep in a recliner for several months. Then I had shoulder surgery and the same thing happened with me. Now I have the added hot flashes…enough said! While we miss the closeness of each other in bed at times, we don’t miss it enough to suffer through the night – hey, we have been together 40 years…we manage to have adequate time together and not suffer needlessly
Brenda says
Been together for 16 years, separate beds and separate rooms, different sleeping habits that work for us and no “love ” lost here.
Sarah says
I know, just among my friends a heavy majority sleep separately. My husband and I sleep separately a couple nights a week… I mainly just really like sleeping on the couch. But, it is usually on nights where I get insomnia and stay up till 4 am, while he gets up at 530 for work. I just don’t want to disturb him.
Mama Cook says
In our 3 bedroom home that houses 9 people, everyone shares with someone! Girls (4) in one room, boys (3) in another and mom and dad share too! 😉 This is how we sell it to our kiddos! Of course the HH and I don’t have bunk beds…hmmm….!
Actually, I’m in the boat of “not able to sleep without him”. Snoring, overheating, hip aching…all worth it!
D. Kyle says
I have been married for 14 years and we have separate beds and rooms. He likes the room completely dark, freezing cold and silent. I like it warm and with a night light. He snores very loudly and I sometimes actively fight and move around in my sleep. We cannot share the same bed or the same room while sleeping because we would interfere with each other’s sleep. I can’t get past the snoring and freezing cold, and he doesn’t like sweating or getting punched/kicked while sleeping. We’ve tried sharing a bed and when I finally pass out, I end up kicking him, then he snaps awake and flails, startling me awake. It just won’t work. I don’t like that I end up hitting him. I have to sleep surrounded by pillows just so I don’t slam myself into the wall. I’m also a night owl and he’s a morning person. Sleeping separate works well for us. I think people are unique and not cookie cutter, and each couple is different and has different methods that work for them.
Teresa says
To each his own, but I miss him when he’s not next to me in bed. Been married 31 years and still the love of my life, even when he snores. I agree in separate blankets though! Sweet dreams 🙂
Deborah says
We mostly sleep in the same bed. There are times that one of us will head for the couch for health reasons. My husband has some major health issues, chronic, acute pancreatitis, and rods in his back, from surgery that move. Some nights I have restless legs, sometimes I just can’t get comfortable, so I go to the couch to keep from disturbing him. We are still happily married after over 27 years. 28 years on Christmas Eve. We’ve met one other couple that got married on the same date, but years earlier.
Lisa MTB says
Wowza, the comments! I really like sharing a bed with my husband (and cats– luckily, we upgraded to a larger bed because cats take up more space than you’d really think).
Fifitr says
Apparently sleeping apart isn’t very common in England if the reaction of the people in my village when my husband and I moved here 8 years ago is anything to go by. Apparently we were the subject of a lot of gossip when it was learned that we had separate bedrooms. Whatever next! We tried to sleep together in the early romantic days when we were sleep-fogged but exhilarated, but as soon as we moved in together he was seconded to a job a hundred miles away, and I only saw him on weekends. Both of us realised how much better we felt sleeping apart, if only because he tends to get up around 4.30am for work and I suffer from insomnia, and tend to try and go to sleep around 2am. Quite often I am still awake when he gets up so… sharing a bed would be disruptive for both of us. When we do share a room on trips I lie there trying not to move or make a lot of noise, or spend most of the night sitting on the loo reading, but inevitably wake him up several times, and neither of us get much sleep as a result. If you’re worried about sex suffering, arrange rendezvous, invite your partner in, dress up for them, scent the air and set the mood; who knows, you might find it more erotic for breaking the routine.
Jenny Young says
We’ve been married for 30 years & we’ve had separate bedrooms for 6 years. As soon as our son moved out we gutted his room & redid it for my husband.
From early in our marriage our schedules have never been the same. I’m almost always up later than he is. He works odd hours as a trainer for his employer….going in any time of the day or night to train or license an employee. So sometimes he leaves as early as 1AM on, usually around 4:30 or 5AM. If he’s doing night training, about once a week, he comes in anywhere between 8Pm to 2AM the next morning.
When we were sleeping together I could not sleep until he was home. If I had to get up early the next day it would kill me…..he usually can sleep in but not always. I honestly have no idea how he functions working this way but he loves his job & his flexible schedule…he schedules things himself.
We get a long so much better this way! Before I was always frustrated with him waking me up. He could never totally rest for fear of waking me up (I guess I’m the moaner in our family!) Having enough sleep really does make it so much easier to get along with each other.
He suggested moving to a different room & even though I loved sleeping by myself it was still hard. I missed him& worried that I wouldn’t know if he didn’t come in or if something happened while he was sleeping ( he has type 1 diabetes so he can develop seriously low blood sugars while he’s sleeping) I do still struggle with his health issues but we make a point to visit each other in both rooms. Sometimes I nap with him on his little twin bed & sometimes he comes to my nice queen bed. We always tuck each other in at night. Whoever goes to bed first gets tucked in. We leave each other notes & send texts or emails to start our day if the other is sleeping.
We’re both in our 50s so it’s kind of like going back in time to dating!
PD says
Enjoyed reading the many diverse comments!
Hubby and I have been together for 18 yrs, 14 married. We both sleep better in separate beds, but here’s our set-up… Two twin beds side-by-side, each with our own sheets/blankets, one king headboard. We have a king duvet cover & pillows covering both beds during the day (making it look just like a king bed). We each picked out a twin mattress to our own liking. At night, we can even roll the beds apart, as apparently I can be an active sleeper! And as another commenter said, “no love lost here”. 😉
Lello says
20yrs of marriage…same full sized bed. I’m a toucher…I NEED to touch my dh while in bed. Lol. The only time I’ve wanted a bigger bed was when I was pregnant, and needed extra pillows and wanted a bit more space. But….I DO LOVE when dh gets up 2+ hrs before me, and I can sprawl across the whole bed! Hehehe!
I have an extra blanket I put on my side of the bed, cause I am COLD from when I go to bed till about 3am, and I’m cold again around 630am. At 3am, I turn into a furnace, and throw off that extra blanket. Sometimes I grab it again at 6/630, and sometimes I just try to snuggle in and do without. I’m usually awake around 715, and I DO grab it then.
We’ve dealt with him snoring, me snoring, me sleep-fighting, me sleep talking/screaming, him bed hogging. I don’t sleep well without him (he sleeps on the couch when sick, and he tends to have a night of insomnia when he switches to working nights) and he sleeps TERRIBLY when I am gone (visiting family).
Angela D. says
Thanks for posting on this topic, Mavis! All of the reader comments are so interesting. I suspect some of us find these personal things easier to discuss under the anonymity of the internet.
Sam says
We’ve been married 24 years and I sleep so much better alone. Hubs has horrible restless legs, insomnia and snoring. He doesn’t always wear his cpap, can’t get enough of the RSL pills to take one daily, and sleepwalks with ambien. I go to bed first and more often than not wake up when he starts twitching. I put the couch cushions on the living room floor and sleep on the floor with the dogs. Maybe if he sees this he’ll understand what I go through.
gina says
I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do, you know? My hubs and I have been married for 22 years and have slept apart since probably 10 years ago. First, it was his snoring, BAD! Next, it’s his C-pap machine which is better than snoring but now you hear the humming of the machine and I’m a very light sleeper so, NO GO. A girl’s gotta sleep, people! We both love each other very much and if sleeping together is all you’ve got to base a loving marriage on, then that’s kinda,like, just, wow….
RONI says
WE’VE BEEN MARRIED 47 YEARS and This past March we started sleeping in different rooms and beds. He is 76 years old and suffers from COPD, and his nightime roaming the house was awful. He has trouble breathing and so sleep suffers. After a Bout with Pneumonia (Me), he took up the other bedroom and we found that we LOVE it. Intimacy ? well that ended a few years back when he became ill. So we spend time together daily but Nightime is BLISS….. for me anyway…..LOL
Jessica says
Separate beds/rooms all the way! We have very different sleeping habits and hours of sleep required. One of us is a very light sleeper while the other roams free across the bed when asleep. One likes to keep the sheets tucked in and the other constantly search for cool spots on the bed. We would chat, cuddle and read in the same bed before the person who needs more hours of sleep goes to sleep. It has been worked into our night routine and I can’t imagine doing it any other way.
Paula says
I get up very early for work and consequently go to bed early too, so most of the time we sleep apart. I am a very light sleeper and he often snores or whacks me with a wild gesture in his sleep! We usually sleep together on weekends but I may escape to the other room if he’s loud. I think women tend to sleep lighter as they age, and men sleep louder so…