If you have teens, you know how much they LOVE answering your questions. 😉 Ha! Maybe you waffle between bribery and the more aggressive approach of threats and a crowbar to get that once tiny bundle you held in your arms to open up and tell you one tiny little detail about their day? On top of the teenage years, I think boys add a whole new dimension to the problem because they typically aren’t that chatty to begin with.
You practically have to be an intellectual ninja sometimes to stay connected with your kids. So, here’s what I propose, it’s real secret agent type stuff, so read carefully: First, greet them, but don’t ask a single question about their day. Be still, like a statue, so as not to spook them. If you are lucky enough to have them trapped inside a moving vehicle, the silence might actually motivate them to speak on their own. If not, you can eventually try very specific questions, like, “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” Don’t give them the opportunity to say, “fine” or “nothing.” Questions that can be answered with those words are like a death sentence. If all else fails, talk about your day. Be real. They may actually pick up on the whole tit for tat mentality and say a thing or two.
If your first encounter with your child is when they walk through the front door after school, follow the same protocol. Greet them, but don’t bombard them with questions. If you feel like the prey {your child} might be getting away by walking toward their room, offer a snack. Lure them to the kitchen. After you’ve greased them up with cookies, you can ask them to show you some of their work from the day…or their homework. This mere act of observing the contents of their backpack could lead to further questions, like, “Well, do you like your math teacher?” and if they answer that question, you might say, “Well, what do think your math teacher thinks about you?” This is the part where your only real job is to be a listener. Let them talk. Don’t offer much else. One wrong word and they clam up.
Finally, lower your expectations a bit. Some days, you will get more than others, but establishing yourself as an interested listener goes a long way when the proverbial poo hits the fan in your child’s life. They will be more apt to come to you if they know you are there to listen and are interested in engaging them without pressure {that’s just my very unprofessional opinion}.
How do you get your teenagers to talk to you about their day?
~Mavis
Julie Ann says
You have honed in on the teen!
My 15.5-y-o won’t tell me a peep of info… but comes home sulking, red-faced, angry, sad, bewildered, burnt out, and sometimes, bleary-eyed. He doesn’t have “buddies”, real guy friends (not insistent he only have male friends, but he yearns to ‘dude-around’ and be mischievous). He hangs out with a group of girls that look nearly identical to him (blonde, thin, tall, be-speckled). But he does not open up to them, either…he thinks they are passively tolerant of his presence (though I’ve seen these girls with him, they seem neutrally-to-actively accepting to me :/ ) One of the girls in the group my poor, confused boy has had a crush on since 4th grade.
Getting him to tell me how this day goes seems to revolve around stories of these girls…WHEN I get a shred of news.
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve tried to teach my kids to treat humans like humans and to treat everyone the same; Be who you are no matter who you interact with. ‘BE true to YOU’ is one of my Mom-ottos.
He just must want to burp and fart in front of a generally more tolerant-of-those-activities gender. AHAHAHA!!
My 13-y-o on the other hand, follows me around the house talking, and talking…and talking…and talking O_o
I have to work very hard to #1 – keep up & #2 – acknowledge. Always when I’m doing physical labor or hurrying from one room to another. We bump into one another a lot :/ And I get lost in the stories a lot. What is with everyone 13 years ago naming their daughters something with “sher…”, “ken…”, or “Mc”-something? I can’t tell these girls apart! LOL
Jen Y says
We started working on this at birth – a mild exageration but not too much so! We made bed time family time on purpose. It was a nightly ritual when our son was small to have a time to hear about his day. Of course when they’re small you cannot shut them up. :o) As he grew, we limited it to certain nights a week. We called it ‘dad’s night’ or ‘mom’s night’. On dad’s night he got to go to sleep with dad in the big bed & mom would move him to his bed after he fell asleep. But there was more than just giving in to spending more time with mom or dad. After the lights were out we made an effort to get him to talk to us more.
As time passed that dropped to once a week & slowly it moved from our big bed to his room. We would lay with him in the dark & talk about whatever. By middle school, it was rare to actually lay down with him but occasionally he’d come to our room or we’d go to his & we’d lay & talk.
We had set a precedent for sharing. The darkness & the fact that we were sleepy seemed to lower his walls & he would share more. By high school I noticed often, just as I was going to bed he’d come to me & ask if he could talk to me. That’s when I found out how he really felt about things.
We also made family meals a huge priority. We ate every meal together we could which was three meals a day for the two of us when he was small to every nightly supper then by high school it was still 3 to 5 dinners a week. We were flexible with the time. When his schedule was busy we noticed he would come sit with us as we ate a meal because he had eaten earlier or he was eating later. It was another great time to share what was going on. We made it fun, trying to save up stories or fun facts we’d read so that we all looked forward to it. It just naturally progressed to sharing things when he needed to do that.
Bedtime was our biggest, best talking times though but when we struggled to communicate there were other things I did as well. The two main ones for hard talks were riding in the car & eating out – I’d ask open ended questions or share something I was thinking about. If the ride was long enough he usually shared something. Eating out, just the two of us, gave us lots of opportunities to talk. Even after he moved out of our house we had a monthly breakfast date & I’d hear all about what was going on, things with his girlfriend, hard things with friends, ect.
Now he’s 21, married, pays taxes, has a mortgage & works for the same company his dad works for. I don’t see him as often but his dad does. Our son works nights & gets off work just as his dad is coming in. Often, he goes to his dad’s office before he goes home. We’ve noticed that our daughter-in-law, who also works nights at the same company, has started following suit;heading into my husband’s office to share something with him while she waits on our son to get off work.
We love it! We’re so grateful we planned ahead with bedtime & meals to lay a good foundation for communicating. It’s hard! I still worry sometimes when I can tell he’s dealing with something but doesn’t share it with me – he’s not obligated to talk to me now that he’s a husband of course.
Jillbert says
I have two teens right now (and a tween). The car is a great place to talk. In many ways, I’m kind of sad that my son is now driving himself to school this year — that was precious conversation time. Now, I try to “chill” with him over a snack or walk the dog together or he’ll come and chat with me as I’m reading in bed (when little, he used to pile in my bed with all his stuffies, now he sits on the edge and chats). My boys are way less talkative than my 14 yo daughter who never.stops.talking! (and I love it!).
Jennifer says
Family dinners help open up conversation with the teens. And Starbucks never hurts. Just this week I took my 16 year old out for coffee. It was so nice to sit for an hour and talk to each other. In a completely different environment, so you can’t fall into old habits of criticizing, which is so easy to to do with teens. Sometimes he asks me to come rub his back at night and he will open up to me then.
My almost 14 year old daughter is different. I can tell when she needs to talk. But usually “talking” is texting. We have 4 kids and it can be hard to carry on a private conversation. So we text each other from around the house. She totally opens up to me this way. Sometimes I joke and say “you know you need to talk and will feel better when you do, so go ahead and spit it out.” She laughs and starts texting me. Each child will be different though, so you have to do what works for your family.
Cheryl says
We have 3 boys, 2 are grown and the youngest is 18. I once read that males will open up more if they are not face to face with others, meaning they prefer sitting next to people as opposed to across from them. Our best conversations have definitely been in cars or at bedtime. I agree with you Mavis, you have to give them open ended questions.
Wynne says
I’ve been listening to Masterminds & Wingmen by Rosalind Wiseman, and this is her advice too, after years of running therapy and getting all kinds of input from teen boys.
Michelle says
This is spot on! I had to read this aloud to my husband AND the teen boy! They both thought it was humorous! It is like pulling teeth to get two words out of him unless he’s asking for something like, you know, the car keys or gas money! Then, on the other hand, my 10-year-old daughter never shuts up!! Where is the balance?! 🙂
Lynette says
I have found the best way to get my son to talk is to do stuff with him. He is 14 and I’ll wash dishes while he dries, he pulls out the ingredients and puts them away while I make his lunch. He and I walk the dogs together at night. He is so distracted by the task at hand he just kind of chit chats with me to make the time pass. It also teaches him the life skills of doing chores so he doesn’t grow up and be one of those men who can’t take care of himself.