I ran across an article on The Washington Post the other day about raising kind kids. It got me thinking, we all want our kids to be kind, but how do we teach them kindness and empathy? I think everyone goes about the “how” a little differently.
The article gave 5 ways to make sure kids learn kindness:
- “Make caring for others a priority.” Basically, putting others in front of your own moods {i.e. treating people with respect even when they are having a bad day} and teaching them to honor commitments they’ve made.
- “Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude.” This one suggested expecting children to pitch in and help, without going overboard on complementing them for it, and giving them opportunities to express their gratitude.
- “Expand your child’s circle of concern.” Talk about the injustices in the world, highlight other peoples struggles, and let kids offer suggestions on how they could make them better.
- “Be a strong moral role model and mentor.” This one is kind of a no brainer, but it did make me think about HOW I treat others and what my kids are seeing.
- “Guide children in managing destructive feelings.” This is one I think most adults don’t even have a handle on. Stress, anger, etc. are tough to manage. Giving kids tools to manage them so that they don’t take them out on others is a biggie.
I thought the article brought up some pretty good general ways to teach kindness. I know I have some amazing readers out there, though, that could totally trump these. So, how do YOU teach your kiddos to be kind? How much do you value kindness as a character trait?
~Mavis
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Carol says
Mavis, we have to show kindness in order to teach it. Respecting the young one’s thoughts and opinions will go far in their growing a healthy self-image. From that point they will respond to others in the same way. All of this must be age appropriate, but kindness grows from centered hearts. Great topic!
Jen Y says
One thing I did was look for teaching opportunities – it takes practise, patience & being in the moment to see them. Some examples:
-When my son was mistreated instead of focusing on the injustice to him I made it a teaching moment. I would tell him to remember how he felt at that moment when he was tempted to do the same. Or to watch for people in a similar circumstance so that he could step in & encourage, defend or help.
-Stories – I shared lots of stories, real life stories & read-alouds. When we came to a place in the story where someone was kind I would comment ‘wouldn’t you like to be known as someone who is kind like he is?’, ‘Look how nice she was even though he was mean to her.’, or I’d share something a saw by starting out saying – ‘I saw the nicest thing today!’ & really make it clear how much I appreciate kindness. A favorite book on this subject is ‘Books that Build Character’ it’s a book list of lots of great stories & books for kids to read that will inspire good character traits.
-Make sure your kids witness you praising kindness in others, in their friends, or a stranger. For example at the check-out if someone let me go first I not only say thankyou, I say thankyou for being so kind.
-Promote kindness when you repreimand: Instead of just saying stop or don’t do that, say ‘That’s rude & I want you to be kind.’ or ‘How do you think that makes them feel when you do that? Being kind makes them feel good.’
-some children love to tease & I do think they need to learn how to have a good time teasing each other with innocent joking around but kindness knows when to stop. So we would say – the 1st time it’s funny, the 2nd time it’s annoying & the 3rd time it’s rude. I would point out that if you want to have friends you don’t want to be rude.
Robin says
I don’t personally know because I don’t have kids, but my friend Kim has definitely done something right with her twins. They are both really polite and great kids. They are teenagers now and are still willing to do things with adults. They speak well, are engaging to talk to, caring of other people, and polite. Kim and her husband have always been involved in the kids lives and taken an interest in all they do. I think that means a lot to kids. I just took them to a baseball game on Tues since I had free tickets and my husband could not go. They were great. We had to ride a shuttle to get to our vehicle and they said hello and thanked the driver. They were ahead of me getting on the shuttle so I did not prompt them. How many teenagers would do that on their own? I just can’t say enough about how great these kids are and wished more parents took more interest in their kids and what they are doing. Society would be better off for it.
Marcy says
The comment I heard the most after someone found out that I was homeschooling my kids was “How do you do it? I couldn’t stand to be around my kids that much.” I had a pretty simple answer: I was raising kids I liked. If I didn’t want to be around them, how could I expect anyone else to want to be around them?
I treated them the way I wanted to be treated and I exposed them to people I wanted them to emulate. I made sure they knew how to express their feelings, good or bad, and how to work with others. There were a lot of times that I found myself evaluating my planned actions or words based on how I would feel if my kids copied them; I think this made me a better person, too.
I agree with sharing stories that demonstrate acts of kindness. Both of my kids were voracious readers and we often listened to audio books together. We would sometimes discuss the books afterwards and try to understand why a character chose to be kind or unkind. My son was often the target of bullies when he was in school, so sometimes i would ask him if his action or words were going to make someone feel the way he had felt.
Marcy
Shell says
I think one good way is to practice optimism ourselves. Of course, that is a very large umbrella that covers a lot of things. Also, letting them know that you are working on your own issues. I try to work on being helpful with people less fortunate and I also have had an issue with gossiping or tapping into gossip .It is an easy trap to get into. I let them know that, while I am not perfect, I do try to achieve as high a standard as I expect from them. I have actually seen people criticizing other people that have the same problem or affliction as themselves. While I sometimes fall short, I would like to be the kind of person I look up to. What is the old saying,” If you want to find a wonderful, well rounded person for a partner or friend, try being that person.” Words can be very harmful or hurtful to people and I daily have to work on remembering that. Those words hang out there, forever, once they are out of your mouth. Unneccessary arguing for the sake of ego , is a big one. If they see us arguing constantly with a spouse or friend or always having the need to be right, affects them greatly. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to stand up for what you believe, but it can be done gracefully without having to hurt someone. Having the last word or always being right is greatly overrated. I used to lecture people to try to teach them. I no longer do that. My Father used to do that. As much as I loved him,as a kid it used to drive me crazy . The things I remembered most about him that stuck with me, were the things he taught by doing. When he listened is when I learned the most. Having that emotional support taught me to look inside myself.
Jan Kuester says
My husband and I have had the joy of raising two sons and both having military careers. We lived all over the USA from a small Aleutian Island (Adak) to Naples, Italy. Having been raised as rural/ranch kids with responsibilities commensurate with our age and capacity, by loving but firm parents who both worked full time plus, emulated what they taught, we had advantages so many children do not have today. It is my suspicion that most of your blog readers teach and practice the same basic etiquette and treatment of others as we do. Thus, I am, proverbially speaking, preaching to the choir.
(1) no matter where you go or who you were with, if you practice rule it will always serve you well.
(2) mind your p’s and q’s
(3) always take the high road-lift others up, not yourself.
(4) integrity matters! always tell the truth; it is, after all, a lot easier to remember.
(5) work diligently and give/receive a fair day’s wage for a fair day’s work.
(6) all honest jobs/trades/professions are important
Jan Kuester says
Oops-typo- meant the Golden Rule.
Jennifer says
We had a rule that if the kids were complimented on their behavior in public by a stranger, they got instant ice cream. We’d stop what we were doing & reward them instantly.
NCJill says
1) Love God and each other
2) Be humble
3) Be teachable
4) I always tell them, “Be a Blessing”
5) Look people in the eye, always say hello
and ask about THEIR interests.
Shari Harniss says
Amen!
The one thing I would add- be positive as opposed to being negative.
Practical Parsimony says
Model from birth the traits and actions you wish to instill in your child. I asked my daughter when her son was less than a year old if her son used a napkin and said “excuse me” appropriately. She said he used a napkin even when he did not need to wipe his mouth and said “me-me” when he should. People who say their children can learn when they are older to be polite, apologize, or care for others are dead wrong.
Talk to children about everything. Waiting until they completely understand motives and the world is too late.
Allow them to talk to and ask questions about why someone is in a wheelchair or only has one leg. My ex told my children to look away if they ever saw either. I was horrified. When my son asked me why a man was in a wheelchair, I told my son to ask. The man was overjoyed to have a child less than three to talk with about the accident he had. That child was the most compassionate child, always helping people and little children when he was a bit older. He learned compassion. When he played basketball when he was about ten, his coach was on orthopedic crutches. My son asked what happened that he needed crutches. The coach told about a practical prank on a submarine that left him a parapelegic for several years. My son agonized over someone playing a prank and severely injuring the man. That gave us many days of talking about what to do and not to do.
I received compliments from other parents who went out of their way to call me and tell me how well-behaved and polite he was when he was a guest. “My son was polite? Oh, well, thanks. I guess my talking took hold.” lol
Polly says
It is such a pleasure to hang out with a kind child!
Like others have said, discuss the acts of kindness you read about or see in a movie or TV show. Just take a moment and make sure your child noticed the act of kindness. Praise the act. Examples are all over the place, from Great Expectations and Call of the Wild, to Big Bang Theory and About a Boy.
Be careful with compliments, especially with girls. It’s tempting to praise a girl’s physical attractiveness and clothing, but focus instead on her actions, especially kindness, but assertiveness and boldness also.
Don’t be afraid to be critical of others (during private-time with your child). Stick with the specific unkind action, but feel free to say, “That woman in front of us was rude to the bank teller” or “That boy in the red shirt was unkind to the other children at McDonalds.” When your child makes a similar assessment, don’t be dismissive, but listen closely to his or her words. It’s never too early to teach the art of making-a-case. If your child says something like “Those Mormon kids were sure jerks” or “That lady was mean to her son, AND she smelled kinda funny,” talk (gently) about how those statements could be improved.
Be kind. Praise your child for being kind. Let your child watch as you praise others (adults and children) for being kind. Let your child watch as you give someone the benefit of the doubt, as you cut someone a bit of slack.
Be kind to people who are working. For example, teach your child (mostly by example, but with words, if necessary) to greet a waiter with a smile, with eye contact, and with positive regard.
Embrace equanimity, and praise your child when he or she demonstrates equanimity. Just today, I was chatting with my great-nephew about frustration, and how it can lead to tears, or tantrums, or blaming someone else. We talked about how walking away for ten minutes can help, and how blaming someone else is usually unattractive and cowardly. And fixes nothing.
Treat animals with kindness, and insist that your child does the same. Do not tolerate ANY unkindness to animals.
Talk about the “just kidding” defense, and how unkindness that is funny is still unkindness.
Love your child no matter what.