“Hi Mavis! I’ve been following your blog for several years now and it’s one of the few I really read regularly anymore and look forward to your posts. I love watching your progress through your goals and following your day trips and adventures!
I was reading your weekly meal post this morning and saw you talked about how your husband has pretty much always worked 70-80 hours per week and was hoping you may have some advice for a couple finding themselves in a similar situation.
My husband has been working tons of hours like that for about a year now and I’m thinking this could be a long-term situation. He’s a driving instructor and gets paid hourly and because of how his pay is structured, he makes most of his money in overtime getting paid time-and-a-half.
I work a regular job 8:30-4:30 and, for now, a part time job with anywhere from 3-15 extra hours per week, all evenings or Saturday day shifts. We don’t have kids yet but we’re in our early 30’s and wanting to start a family. I can see the stress my husband is under and how frustrated he is to rarely be home. He generally works 7am-9pm M-F and 9-5 Saturdays, sometimes with a break during the day.
We meet for lunch once per week and usually have Saturday nights and Sundays together. What did you guys do to make the most of the time you had together, ease his/your stress, etc.? Any advice you can provide from facing that for 25+ years would be so helpful as we face what’s turning out to be a real challenge for us! Thanks for your help and for continuing your blog and providing some fun tips, inspiration, and comic relief for me throughout the week! š
– Kristen
Where to begin?
I meet my husband when I was 19, married at 21 and had kids at 22 and 23. And while a lot of that time period is a bit of a blur, {because I was totally sleep deprived} there are a few things that looking back now, I can see helped me get through that time period.
For starters… There wasn’t the internet as we know it today. Facebook, Pinterest, and social media sites didn’t exist and neither of us had a cell phone.Ā Checking in with each other throughout the day didn’t even cross our minds. And, as a result of that, when my husband came home at the end of the day there was stuff to talk about because we hadn’t been in contact {at all} while he was away at work.
Social media. It didn’t exist and therefore I wasn’t scrolling past tons of happy, funny, polished, {fake} what am I missing out on photos of complete strangers or people I knew and comparing their lives to mine.
All I knew, was what was inside my little bubble, and for me that was staying home with the kids, taking care of the house and just trying to make it as pleasant as possible for my husband when he walked through the door each night. Sunday’s were pretty much his only day off {though there was a stretch there when he’d get every other Saturday off in addition to Sundays}.
Sometimes it was hard, sometimes it wasn’t, but thank goodness I was fiercely independent and crafty and didn’t mind being alone 75% of the time. But when Sunday would roll around, all I wanted to do was get out of the house and do something {ANYTHING really} with my husband and on the flip side, all my husband wanted to do was rest and hang out at home with his wife and kids.
Imagine that. š
Honestly, I don’t know how I got through it year after year, but I knew I loved my husband, and I knew the whole 80 hour a week thing wasn’t going to last forever {I didn’t think it would last 25 years though, that’s for sure!} and we just made it work.
I read your question to my husband and asked him what helped HIM get through it all and boy did he have a lot to say.
Basically, it whittled down to this:
Just being in the same room, house, sitting down together, working on a project or going out for a quick bite to eat together was comforting to him. JUST BEING HOME. The last thing he wanted to do was to have his days off planned out with some sort of structured activity or timeline.Ā
I know it’s super cheesy to say this… but just enjoying the time that you DO have together, and trying not to compare yourself to other couples is really the best thing {in my mind} you can do. Also, having a hobby or some sort of outlet for something you really enjoying doing to pass the time, can be a huge lifesaver.
It’s so easy to say,Ā Oh he just needs to get a different job, with less hours, doing something he loves. But the reality is, most people don’t get up everyday and go to a job they love. And most people I know, they work more than 40 hours a week {although admittedly, I only know a few that put in 70-80}.
We honestly didn’t do anything special to make it this far. We just kind of muddled through it, sucked it up and got on with life. Which is why I am hoping blog readers will chime in with their own tips and tricks for helping you get though this stressful period in your marriage.
Wishing you nothing but happiness,
~Mavis
Mama Cook says
Kristen, Great Big Hugs to You!!!! I think Mavis nailed it! Itās all about perspective and making the most with what you have! Not comparing your life to others (social media) and cultivating an attitude of gratitude really helps! I always tell my daughters that the woman sets the āthermometer of the homeā. Meaning your outlook and attitude will often direct your husbandās (and future childrenās) attitude. Youāve got this!!!!!
Heather says
My husband is a 70+ hour a week worker (though admittedly a salary employee which does change the tone of his work ours a little bit since I canāt balance out my own feelings about it with āextra moneyā… so I still complain lol) but one thing we did that helped my husband during the little kids years (we had three right within a few years) is that I fed my kids dinner, sat with them, talked with them at dinner, took a few bites to make them feel like I was participating, and then after my husband was getting home and the kids were asleep we did real dinner for us. It was totally weird at first to eat dinner late at night. But the importance of having dinner together extends to spouses as well! Now with my kids older my husband comes home for dinner and then works more after dinner (he is in the tech world and can work from home for his extra hours now if he needs luckily)
Rosaleen says
Yeah, been there, but most of that time I did not have an outside job. We had kids nearly right away. So, to get through, one thing I did was pack up the kids and lunch (or supper) and meet hubby at a park close to his job. He had to eat sometime! Getting away from his desk and watching the kids play as we talked and ate gave us a little time plus he and the kids at least saw each other. Kristen may not be able to make a lunch meeting work, depending on her job’s set up, but maybe supper would be a little break time that could be worked around hubby’s work schedule. Maybe. And, yes, it would be more effort for Kristen, but if some time together is the goal, grab whatever can work.
Good Luck!
Louise says
We have it a bit different to you, my husband travels A LOT for work, so often gets in late on a Friday and flies out early on a Monday and often brings work home.
I’ve gotten so used to it that when he broke his wrist a few yeas ago and was at home for 2 weeks I almost killed him! Then I offered to drive him to the office.
But the way we do survive is to make the most of the time that we do have. Our kids are little so when he’s in town he’s home for dinner and works when they are asleep. When he’s away we send voicenotes back and forth with notes to and from the kids, which are easier than calls because they can be listened to at a convenient time. And we plan our weekends very carefully, some blocks are for time at home with nothing specific planned just to relax and some blocks are for family activities. Also, I am super independent and happy to get on with most household stuff.
And don’t forget the occasional date night!
Erica says
My husband is an engineer so during the planning stages of a project he works regular 40 hour weeks. Then when the project is in full swing they work what they have to to get the job done on time. One summer it was so bad, by the end of summer I said, “This is why people get divorced. Not because they hate each other, but because they stop caring what the other person is doing.” That scared us. We try really hard to stay connected now during those busy times. I don’t do it perfectly. And I have to admit that I have some resentment now that he’s a manager and doesn’t get paid overtime. That stinks.
Danyell says
When I also worked and was away from the house and kids 11 a day. It didn’t bother me that husband worked so much. I was just so thankful to hang out with my kids. I rarely wants to go anywhere on weekends.Now that I stay home I am itching to talk to a grown up and visit when he gets home. One thing we have started is a drive on a back road so where with just our two younger kids once a week, normally a Friday evening. We just talk. As we have two older kids teens and two Pre-K. This gives us time to talk without ears. Visit, discuss important stuff or silly stuff. And I get out of the house.
Fifitr says
The day after we returned from honeymoon my husband left to work away and for the next 4 years I only saw him at weekends, and sometimes not then. For the following 10 years he frequently spent weeks away from home (sometimes months in the far east at a time) and I think coping was all about mindset.
Instead of regarding it as a drag we tried to think of it as a positive. I saw my friends and work collegues during the week, and devoted myself to doing things together at the weekend. He would look up friends near to wherever he was sent to work, if possible, and meet up with them to break up the monotony of being away all week. We tried hard to balance the drive to tackle the list of things we needed to do together urgently each weekend with his desire to chill at home (he said living in hotel rooms and eating in restaurants every night soon loses its charm). Because I could see friends on my own during the week I didn’t feel deprived if he didn’t want to socialise some weekends, and he learned that he had to turn over some decisions to me alone, or spend his weekends touring shops, interviewing tradespeople and generally taking care of business. Running the house gave me plenty to do on spare evenings and I’ve always continued in that role because I like it and he realises he’s really not that fussed about the colour of the carpets or the design of the bathrooms. Although he’s no longer away most of the week he does travel at least 2 days a week and has done for the last decade.
The hard work has paid off and he’s about to retire in his mid-50s and we’ll get to make up all the time we’ve missed (although on the quiet I think one of the reasons we’ve had such a successful marriage is we always looked forward to the time together and got space to do our own thing during trips).
All the advice I can give is to be positive about it, try really really hard not to worry about jobs that don’t get done around the house – or tackle them yourself – and make your home as welcoming as possible when your husband does get home.
Carrie says
My husband doesnt always work that many hours, but often gets off late or has mandatory overtime. He is a Sheriff’s Deputy, so a little different set up. I make sure to prioritize the time that he is home. He works swing shift and goes in at 2. So I wait to make plans with friends or play dates until at least 1 so the kids see him a little in the mornings.
Before his day off I ask if he has any plans and what he would like to do (does he have prpjects best accomplished without the kids around, does he want to go hiking etc) and plan around that. I figure I have all the time he is working to do errands and whatever the kids want that I can reserve those hours he is home for family time.
I also acknowledge that he works hard and needs time to relax and have a hobby. Much to everyones dismay I okayed his purchase of a dirt bike to ride with fellow deputies. I do miss him when they go ride (or mountain bike or whatever) without us, but I remember that he needs that time to recharge, have fun, and have commradery with his co-workers. So even when I get annoyed that I dont get time to myself to pursue things, or I dont get to always spend money on things I’d like (new furniture) I try my best to bite my tongue.
I also send him texts through out the day so he knows what we are up to and photos of the kids.. Sometimes because of sleep/school/work schedules it can be a few days between when we see eachother awake. He doesnt always respond, but it keeps him up to date and helps us feel more connected.
Heather says
Thank you for supporting your Deputy. I’m sure those pics and messages keep him going on shift.
Leanna says
My husband works nights and has for most of our married life (almost 30 years). Occasionally he will work overtime. I do not work. I make sure that when he is home and not sleeping I am there to be with him as much as is possible. Some weeks I hardly see him because of children’s activities and doctor appointments for my mom. Since we have cell phones now we text frequently. It also helps to have a schedule posted each week of things that are going on so he feels included in our lives. We try to have a family day once a month so we can talk to our teenagers and enjoy the time we have left with them.
Mrs. C says
Leanna, calendars are a great idea! I started posting one earlier this year, and it has helped my forgetful husband so much and eased his stress about trying to remember upcoming events, etc.
FarmGirl says
I am and have always been the one in our household to work a job with a ton of responsibility and the long hours. My husband has always just worked a regular 40 hour a week job that he can leave and not think about. The best thing he has always done that has helped me is not complain. He has always been very understanding. He doesn’t complain if I don’t cook supper or laundry is doesn’t or the house isn’t spotless, etc. Those things alone have taken so much stress off. I struggle with perfectionism so it has really helped my outlook. He does struggle with wanting to go do stuff on weekends when I would rather just sit at home and watch the garden grow and the chickens run around, but we compromise as much as we can.
I would encourage anyone that might be starting out to sit down and write out your long term goals. Home ownership, early retirement, kids college funds, etc and then work diligently towards those so that you know you are working towards something. Saving money and knowing you have a nest egg or that you are working on a goal is very helpful to the mindset of the person working all the hours. If all of the money I make is just going to pay credit card bills, shopping, etc, then it would be struggle to keep my head down and keep going.
Mrs. C. says
Lots of great advice!
In my case, I was the one who worked 70-80+ hours per week for years, and my HH worked 40-ish hours per week. I was in a profession where you NEVER get paid overtime – you did the work that had to be done. Pregnant colleagues would go down to part time…which was 40 hours per week. I don’t know how they did it.
At any rate, we made the best of it. We don’t mind being alone, and we would focus on things that interested us while we were apart. When we were together, we as a couple were the priority. In other words, was there something that we wanted to do together, versus something that only one person wanted to do (unless it was really important)?
Also, as someone who has experienced both feast and famine, when abundance is flowing into your lives, SAVE MONEY. AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. Try to live on one paycheck. It can be life-changing, and give you options in the future that you can’t even imagine right now.
Mable says
Married 35 years and often worked in different cities. Writing down our goals, meaning why we are working so many hours, was a major help in keeping us focused and looking toward a different future. We both were able to retire by 50, and are now making up for lost time together.
Kayla says
My best advice is to find out what each of your love languages (Google 5 love languages) are and try to make sure each of you get love the way you like it. My husband works 100+ hours a week and we make sure that what little time we have is spent filling each other’s “love bucket.” Fortunately, we both are quality time kind of people and just like to have time together.
Maybe send him notes at work (hide them in his glove compartment or his wallet), try to surprise him with special dinners (go cheesy with candles and a nice dinner at home), maybe do something off his/your bucket list like take an intro to scuba diving class, intro flying lesson, or something along those lines. Play board games, do your own episode of “Chopped,” have a silly string fight, play fantasy football against each other, geek out over a tv series together (maybe watch separately and discuss together), anything that helps the sparks between you. Marriage is worth the effort.
Julie P says
My lovely husband worked as a continental truck driver and wasnāt at home much at all for the first 25 years, as Mavis has said we didnāt have mobile phones and the internet wasnāt a thing. He would be in Germany at a pay phone with a row of German marks and we would get a few minutes to chat about the babies the house the garden,. You make the most of the time you have together, we didnāt have a huge amount of money but we made it stretch to a day walking in the forest with a picnic or a trip to the beach. We had parents who wanted to see us at weekends occasionally so we would go for lunch then a walk in the afternoon. I never minded being alone there was always a household project or something to sew or make for the house, itās been a long project. We had the occasional date night when my parents would come over and sit for us but they were rare. As the children grew they occupied me and we really didnāt have a choice. We got through it, you do, and you donāt dwell on the downsides. Sundayās when he left for the ferry could be tearful but I sucked it up so he didnāt feel sad. He would be away perhaps for two to three weeks. He didnāt manage a parents evening until Tom was taking his finals at High school, A levels here, Tom Was 18,he never saw him play football for his little team, and that made us quite sad. He still works long hours a truck driver does over here but we are now married 34 years and the last few have been easier on me. He would say the same as the HH he just wanted to come home and chill and I just wanted to get out of the house. We looked forward to it not always being so hard and now we both only work for six months of the year and travel the other six, heās my best friend always has been and I hope you two can make it work. Iām sure where thereās a will there is a way.
Ingrid says
MAVIS I just wanted to thank you for your empathy with your comment about “Itās so easy to say, Oh he just needs to get a different job, with less hours, doing something he loves. ” So many people are just trying to get by, and there are often statements about “just do something else!” as if it were that easy. Thank you!
Brianna says
I think suck it up and get through it is the best. Most people wouldnāt be able to handle the situation my hubby and I have, but it works for us. He is sometimes gone for an entire year, sometimes several months in a row, and sometimes if he is working from home he has very long days. We are very use to it and his income allows me to stay home with our 3 kids. Iāve always beeen independent, but itās made me much more independent with things. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and honestly I enjoy not having the extra laundry and bigger meals to make. I still schedule activities and events and if he is here then he can go or stay home. I think it is important not to put your life on hold āwaitingā for your spouse. Just always put effort in the marriage, have good communication, and realize how special your time together is. When the hubby is home, he tries to do an activity with each child one on one (lunch, museum, or whatever) and I have to be patient to wait for my ātimeā with him because the kids demand his immediate attention to fill their void, they have needs too. Sometimes my time with him is just going on a drive for a few hours and talking while the kids fall asleep in their car seats or having someone watch the kids for a few hours so we can go to dinner. We get up at 430 (because the kids are sleeping) just to have a cup of coffee together and chat, his works well for us as there are no distractions. Basically, whether he is around or not, I still run the house the same and I keep a routine. It can be very lonely, but you have to find your way to cope, stay strong, find balance, and distress at times. We also do a marriage āboot campā every other year or so just to learn and to see how weāve changed and grown together or apart and what we can work on, it has been a wonderful tool for us.
Marcia says
We have had those time periods, albeit when we were younger. Before kids, I had a job or jobs where I’d have a 72 hour week (6×12, or 5×13 + a half day).
And it really sucked. I was fat, out of shape, ate like crap, was stressed.
a
Even now, in our late 40s, we have long weeks – but honestly 70 hours is not sustainable. Even 60 is beyond our capabilities with 2 kids and both of us working.
I think it may help to have a plan, in two ways:
1. Have a plan for the week, so that you schedule time for each other and for yourselves, and for self care (sleep, exercise, good food)
2. Have a time for the future. Because if 70-80 hrs a week means you work work work and get sick and die young, what’s the point. If that means you make extra dough, save up a crap ton of money (no lifestyle inflation!), and have an exit plan, then it’s all good.
Because that schedule really isn’t good for you.
Christine Hagen says
When our kids were little my husband was working on a super big project that we knew going in was going to require a lot of hours. Thankfully he was able to structure his day where he went to the office at 4am so that he could still be home for supper. He was able to have so much done by the time everyone got in at 8 (no phone interruptions or other folks popping in to chat) he earned the name “Stealth Man.” Sometimes thinking outside the box can provide great solutions.
Gina says
As a stay-at-home mom, I never want my husband to resent me so I always get out of bed before he does and try to make his day as easy as possible, like making coffee excetera. Then in the evenings I always have a cheerful happy attitude to greet him with and not a list of things for him to do right off the bat! I always know what we’re having for dinner and I try to remember how grateful and thankful I am for him even during the times I have a grievance! I also let him do the things he wants to do like go on hunting trips because I know he needs his down time. I take on about 90% of the burden of the home and child-rearing, but we text throughout the day and reconnect at the end of the day even if it’s just him venting about work! I know the grass is always greener on the other side so I don’t expect him to be like someone else’s husband who may have qualities I like but some that I don’t. Together for 28 years.
MichĆØle says
I confess I have tears in my eyes reading you beautiful response Mavis, as well as your HHās. And all the women! a cross section of wives and mothers across the country (and out of it)! I believe this to be the most profound piece Iāve yet to read on your blog. My Honeyman and I have been married 45 years and I wish Iād had this resource early on. Iām just SO PROUD of you all!! Press on, press through and keep your children and husband at the center of your hearts, and the rest will follow.
Jennifer says
I’m going to come at this from a completely different angle. Dh and I have been married 25 years and until last year, he worked at least 65 hours a week, 51 weeks a year and when he did come home he was so stressed – he was a Plant Manager, often in charge of 200+ people.
Last year, he had a stroke and we have spent almost EVERY WAKING MINUTE together in the last year. Now, I’m sure to those of you who have husbands working the long hours are thinking, “I would love that”. We have gotten past the dangerous and scary medical stuff and are now in the “he can’t go anywhere by himself, so we are together unless we are in separate rooms” phase.
Y’all, it has been soooo difficult at times – as difficult as when he worked and I was lonely or had to do all the house/kid stuff by myself.
I would simply say this – remember that it could be worse, much worse. We are doing what we have to do to get through each day and most days it works. š
Long story short, I think we have grown closer during this time and our marriage is stronger than it was before. Don’t get me wrong, we still argue – LOUDLY at times, but we were in it for the long haul from Day 1 and realize that.
Martine Hamilton says
Reading Jennifer’s comment was the one that made me want to contribute to this. I think the big thing is we always think we have all the time in the world, there will always be tomorrow and tomorrow but sometimes we don’t, life happens and all our careful plans go out the window. I’ve been married for over 40 years, so like Mavis, no social media etc in the early days. That helped. All I really want to say to people here is remember what brought you together in the first place and hold it dear to you. Enjoy what time you have together and love and respect one another and stay away from the rubbish that is spouted on the internet and tv. Life is not perfect, just do your best and no one can complain. x
Jessica says
The biggest underlying message that has not been printed in bold here is that everyone who is responding is treating their marriage as something that is NOT DISPOSABLE! Whether you went into marriage intending to be a full time stay at home parent or the plans were both adults working.. it appears that everyone had the commitment to stick with it when things seemed bleak. We are celebrating 18 years this month. We entered marriage both working full time… I went back to work 12 weeks after our son was born and everything was fine.. 2nd pregnancy brought the news of twins.. and the idea of 3 kids under 3 in day care and all the responsibilities/costs/dynamics that went with brought me home after they were born. Financially it was very hard… I was too stubborn to address my anxiety with a Dr or my husband… Myspace and Babycenter were the big social media things and babycenter likely saved my sanity having a network of people 24/7 I could vent and bounce ideas off while dealing with 3 in diapers, tandem nursing, colic, eczema and toddler antics. My husband was overwhelmed and stressed with his job and felt trapped due to the entire situation. We were both irrational and unable to properly communicate what we were thinking and feeling…. I was EXHAUSTED, terrified, overwhelmed at times and carrying a huge amount of guilt that my crazy ovary created this dynamic shift in our planned life…Husband was under the impression that I was hanging out all day at home… hahahahaha…We could not properly communicate our feelings to each other ( maybe if one of us had been properly medicated it might have looked less bleak? lol) If I had a full time job at that time.. I very well would have thought “I got the funds, I don’t need this, we are out!”… But we were broke.. as a joke.. and divorce was not on our radar…
Kids got older, life got easier, mom finally got sleep and mentally felt more in control…Dad got a new job (working from home and seeing that I did a LOT all day long) that made thing financially better and everyone became potty trained and slept through the night…
We went through another round of strain a few years later due to his health issues and not taking care of ones self… I finally just told him ” I refuse to be your mother.. call the Dr, get this figured out, take care of yourself.. all I can do is make sure the life insurance is paid so I am taken care of long term” He was not happy with my flippant and callous comment.. and he called the Dr…
Kids are all in the teens now.. I now work part time during the school days.. he still works from home, we are running our own personal chauffeur service with activities and commitments. Breakfast dates after we get the kids on the bus during the school year, occasional lunch dates ( on my day off)… being able to leave the kids home alone and running errands together was a HUGE win in our life! lol
When he was traveling and the kids were young he would call and chat with the kids.. we did not have that need to be connected all the time.. in fact he annoys me half the time I am at work and he is texting me random things! lol We are committed to each other and our family.. that is the underlying thread..
Claudette says
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have an 11 year old daughter. Our work situation has changed throughout our time together (part of that time we were both full time, part of that time he was a stay home dad). I think the most valuable thing we learned early on after our daughter was born and we were both sleep deprived was that itās not a competition about who has it worst: nobody wins that game. Weāre both working hard and we have to appreciate and support each other. As time went on, we also learned that even when weāre feeling strapped for cash, we need to give each other leeway to have our own hobbies (gardening is mine) and to invest in our health. Basically, we have to show each other that we care. As time has gone by, we really like to hear about each otherās interests because we see how happy it makes the the other person. Thereās nothing like seeing your loved oneās face light up when they talk about something that makes them happy.
Mavis Butterfield says
“Thereās nothing like seeing your loved oneās face light up when they talk about something that makes them happy.” YES!!!
Teresa says
My husband worked the million hours a week routine for 30 years. He had enormous drive and needed to achieve his goals and provide for a wife and three kids. Toward the end of his working he developed an incurable eye disease and is now 99.9% blind. He has been on long-term disability and returned to college to get his Master’s in Social Work, where he now works serving the less fortunate in our community. I have been waiting for this man to come home and enjoy life but what keeps him going is getting out there and working. Fortunately I have many interests and am rarely bored. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. He has been an excellent provider and loving and faithful father and husband. I am truly blessed. It’s the simple things that mean the most. Right now he is sitting across from me and using his magnifier to read the Bible and has no idea I am writing this. The simple things.
Alison R says
We have been married for 35 years and have always tackled everything as a team. I was home while our three were little and went back to work full time when the youngest was 15. A few years after we had an empty house our second daughter passed away and we are raising her three children 2 grandsons 10 1/2 and 7 and a granddaughter 3 1/2. You never know what curves life will throw you at any point in your lives.
We have always embraced the happiness, grieved the losses and pushed forward every time.
Don’t get me wrong, in those first dark days after the loss of our daughter some of the only things that gave me hope were Mavis’ blog and The Frugal Girls blog. They were instrumental in keeping my head above water!
Love the ones you’re with.
Thanks again Mavis and Kristen
Jennifer says
One last thing that I would like to add about our marriage is that when social media came on strong, we agreed as a couple that NEITHER of us would EVER do it. Now, we both have Instagram accounts ONLY so we can look at stuff. My dh made fun of IG for years until about 6 months ago when I showed him a feed that he would love. HE is HOOKED now and it’s great. He “memes” 4 particular times a day – 2 at the same time as me and we giggle about the cute doggies or weird people, then we rail at the political posts that drive us crazy.
Because of that, neither of us have had an old flame contact us, neither of us has some become more important in our lives than each other and we are each other’s priorities. Plus, from what I’ve read, there have been more headaches than positive things for some people on social media, so I don’t feel like we’ve missed out on anything.
We have been so determined to NEVER let anyone come first in our lives except each other. Even our children have heard, more than once, it was Mama and Daddy first and when they are gone, it will be Mama and Daddy last. I used to feel guilty for it, but now I feel it gave them a good primer for their marriages later in life.
Sorry to hijack, but just wanted to add that.
Cathy says
For most of our marriage, my husband traveled 2, 3 or 4 nights a week while I worked full time and took care of the children, house, animals etc. Because of limited time/money, we rarely went on dates and all vacations were taken with the whole family. Four days before we were to leave on the first and only vacation for just the two of us (to celebrate our 25th anniversary), he was out of town and had a fatal heart attack at 48. So my comment is that while we may work hard, are committed to our family and willing to do what ever needs to be done, please don’t assume that the sacrifices will all pay off in the end. The “end” may come a lot sooner than planned. Schedule time with your spouse now so if there isn’t time later, you’ll at least have more great memories.
KCB says
My husband was a career Army officer for many years. He would be gone weeks, months, or even a year or more when he was deployed. We had one child. My husband was deployed when our child was born & didn’t come home until shortly before the 1st birthday. Then only to be home about a year & deployed again for 18 months. The main thing I did was to stay very busy. I always worked (elementary teacher). When he would be home, it was all about being home, getting to know ourselves as a family again, and rebonding in a sense. And making the most of the time when we were all together. For me staying very busy was the key. Also being sure that our child knew that he had a stable home.
Katy says
Wow, reading all these entries is really amazing to me. I feel like there is still a 1950s mentality. Make your husband happy when he gets home etc. Good grief. If that works for you – great, please continue. But goodness graciousness, I live in a household where I try to make things even as often as possible. I work many more hours than my husband, but he travels more frequently during the week. I simply cannot keep the house with out his help – willing or forced lol. We have a 5 month old and sleep is very rare even with the both of us taking turns. We have not had any time to ourselves since the baby arrived. Things will get better over time as he starts to be on a better sleep routine. However, I miss my husband – we rarely have the time to talk and have zero time to ourselves.
This is not a criticism, but a suggestion to just continue to do what works for you. (And don’t be afraid to ask for help, you can try to take on the whole world by yourself, but boy it is even sweeter when you have help).
Samantha says
I appreciate your response to Kristen’s post. I stayed home to raise our children while my husband worked many hours every week to support us. His only day off was Sunday. I worked a few hours a week around my husbands schedule to bring in a few extra dollars. Sundays were our day as a family, usually spent together at home because he as well just wanted to spend time being able to relax with us. His job was to supply the income, mine was to keep up on the house, the yard, and the lives of the kids. I made sure the house was clean and pulled together, so he could relax and enjoy his time with us. When our last child started school, I went back to work full time. I have always made a point of keeping those Sundays clear. He picked up on some of the household chores, and we divided our time transporting kids to dance, sports, etc. There were many days over the years that the only time we saw each other was at bedtime. Those years were very busy, and there were times I wondered how we would get through them. Amazingly you do and believe it or not, those years pass quickly and when they are over you will miss them! Our oldest child is grown with a family of her own, our middle child is starting college and our youngest is in his last two years of high school. As we enter our next chapter, we are looking at ways to slow down and enjoy our family in their adulthood, as well as enjoying time together as a couple. We have always made sure to find time to connect, every day, even if it was lying in bed dog tired. Keeping the line of communication is so important. Stick with it Kristen! It gets easier and those years of hard work will pay off!
Kristen says
Thanks to everyone for your advice! We are doing our best to take care of each other and ourselves and achieve our financial goals to hopefully get my hubby on a shorter work week! We will keep on truckinā!
Amy says
No no no! That’s all I could think as I read this article and the comments. This is crazy. Do you all not see how bad this is for the children and your marriage?
I’m in this situation right now. Husband works nights plus overtime. We have 4 kids, ages 11, 4, 2 and 4 months. I stay at home and homeschool and live in the middle of nowhere (20 mi from nearest gas station). In a cheap house we’re remodeling (meaning no kitchen cabinets, dishwasher etc). No internet ,cable TV or phone service. Texting at best.
We don’t do vacations, date nights, field trips etc. I don’t dream about the future. I get up exhausted everyday and just barely get through.
I hate this! I would not do this for 25 yrs! This is why divorces happen and people enter their retirement complete strangers.
Why as Americans do we think this is normal? Sucking it up is not the answer. This is not healthy. I just can’t do this much longer.
Lucy says
I have to agree with what amy says, this isnāt healthy and while itās respectable that all of you have held on and āsucked it upā is inspiring but itās not the only way. I can see both sides, but personally living through it and reading all the comments, it truly makes me wonder if I can deal with it for the next 30 years. My family always says that i think itās okay for now, and i can deal because Iām young… but how am I gonna feel in 10-20 years. I literally get 29 hours a week with my husband (total) in 7 days. And thereās plenty of days we barely speak.
Kayla says
Wow…. Iām honestly shocked at the amount of comments that idolise their damn husbands right now. What about what YOU want to do? What about all of the activities YOU miss out on when youāre at home caring for babies? What about YOUR career goals? Why do we all think āoh my dear husband is choosing to spend 70-80hrs a week at work, I bet to try to make his life perfect when he does get homeā. What a joke. Why do you think he chooses to work that much? Itās not necessary. He works that much because he doesnāt enjoy āfamilyā time as much as being at work. Plan and simple. He also doesnāt ācareā about his wives inability to grow her career since sheās lumped with the household chores and raising of kids. I donāt like this narrative that we have to sacrifice our wants and dreams to make it work for our darling perfect husbands who āhaveā to work so hard. Snooze!!! My advice? If there are kids involved then why is one parent out of the home so much? Itās not needed!